"When I think of all the people I've come upon in my travels, I have to think of the people who have come upon me"

I was at it again. I snooped around, googled his name, and found some new things. I failed to find that weblog post all about how wrong he was and how I am the greatest thing that ever happened to him, but what are you going to do?

So looking at wedding dresses today didn't just suck because I have no parents or money, but also because the wounds are still fresh from my whirlwind romance with Batman. No, that is not a psuedonym, his name is Batman.

I am going to write the WHOLE story, because I have to leave certian details about my actions out when telling this story to others. I have to force myself to look at ALL OF IT, so I can learn from it and move on. If you get past all the romantic blather there is nudity and mutual masturbation ahead. LOL

I met batman at my job. I guess he saw me from afar and was smitten. He told me he would not shut up about how cute I was, and he hoped I would be on his plane. Now girls, imagine a boy, any boy telling you this...AAAAAHHH!

He flirted with me on the plane. I don't remember what he said, something banal, but he had a cute smile, and I just felt drawn to him like I wanted to talk to him more. Another thing is, men flirt all the time, but it's no big deal to me, because I know they are just puffing out their chests. But there are some men I just melt over. Cute, intellectual seeming, sensitve boys just make me crazy. It makes me REALLY crazy that they are always married (of course, some smart girl in college snatched him up ASAP.) it also drives me crazy that those types of boys never seem to like me. My guess is it's because of my job. Maybe they think that if I were smart I would be working a "real" job. My job is for air-heads, bimbos and gold-diggers.

Well It took me a second, I flirted with him with that little sigh inside like "ahh, if only" when I realized, "WAIT! he is not just flirting, he is into me!" I found stupid excuses to chat with him. He nearly knocked me over he gave me his card so fast. His brother is moving to my city so of course I had to give him my e-mail address. I e-mailed him first, because I had recieved a mysterious spam e-mail from "batsman@jacc.something.net" which I was sure was him "bats" meaning baseball bats. It turned out not to be him but it was a nice ice-breaker and soon he called me.

It was too fast right away. He was already telling me the story of how he had noticed me, and he went on a little too long, with a little too much detail (you know, showing his hand) And early on I made my first fatal mistake. He made some insecure comment about his receding hairline. I consoled him, reminding him that it is a sign of too much testosterone, which equals a high sex drive. And yes, I said on the first phone call "a horny man is a good thing." I was already setting myself up to be a sex object, and these set ups are what I choose to omit when relaying the story to my friends.

Oh, the conversations were too dreamy. Everything he told me about himself (minus the comic book obsession, I could have done without that) made me say "you cant be real" I was like Carrie Bradshaw in the secret back room in Vogue: "it's TOO good!" He kept making "future together" type comments. Too fast, sure...but it was sweet. I was imaging it too, and it was nice to have a man I was excited about say them without prompting. The thing that turned me on the most...when I would ramble on about some sociological theory I had on this or that, HE LIKED IT! He even said it was a turn on that I was so opinionated AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

So next mistake, we talked about sex again and I expressed that in my opinion the first time we have sex we would probably "fuck all day." Again, I was just getting his wheels turning "sex object...sex object" Ahhh, it gets worse. I allowed (a little too willingly) to send the topic to sex. This is fine, but keep in mind this is like the 2nd time we have spoken on the phone. It is FAR too soon to be talking so openly. One thing he brought up, and was very focused on, was his massive penis. He told me that girls had told him it was really big. Well, I told him I think size is nice, but really isn't that big of a deal. (my best lover ever had the tiniest penis you could ever imagine) It's a good thing too have, but its no replacement for good technique. But he just went on and on about how big and wide his penis was. I basically just made fun of him. I told him he was obsessed with his penis and he needed to get over it.

Both of us are nearly exploding by the 3rd phone call. We make plans for him to visit me in one of my layover cities. But theres a problem. Its our first date, There is no way in hell I am going to let him stay in my hotel room. We went back and forth on this ALOT. I made my feelings very clear. I made a decision that I was willing to go in half on a room for him. When he pooh-poohed that idea I told him I would pay for the room myself. He still kept pushing it. At one point, I just gave in. Not because he wore me down, but because I really felt I could trust him. Oh, and because he wore me down (I mean come on- what do you see me as? the first night? sharing a hotel room? get real.) But I gave in.

To add to my setting myself up as a sex-object...we ended up having phone-sex the day before he was to visit me. At that point I was glad he was spending the night, he was obliged to cuddle with me now that we had "had sex." Also, during this "encounter" he was very interested in the dimensions of the toy I was using. "It's how big? I am much bigger than that!"

So we had our date. I was REALLY sure that I was not reedy to be sexual AT ALL yet. I was feeling a combination of strong positive emotions, like "I could fall in love with this man" as well as strong negative emotions like "could he please stop talking about comic books, he is acting like he has already got me" I told him that I really wanted to be clear that I don't want to go past "first base." I wanted to kiss and cuddle, but I wasn't ready to be sexual, I was terrified of the emotional consequenses. I see in hindsight that this went in one ear and out the other. At this point he was so hot and bothered that I ceased to be a sensitive girl who is afraid of love and became some porn archetype. The girl who wants to fuck all day and likes a horny man.

After a not unpleasant date (which by the way had the atmosphere of a couple who has been together for years--not an exciting and mysterious first date) we went to the hotel room. I had flirted and acted sexy with him, but after expressing to him REPEATEDLY that I didn't want to go past kissing, I felt safe that the evening would end sweetly. Some romantic kissing and then fall asleep in each-others arms.

No. When we started kissing it wasnt romantic. He was on top of me and he immediately started humping my leg! I was pissed off and sort of amused, but still smitten so I didn't want to hurt his ego. So I did what I always have, but have told myself I don't want to do any more. I detached my emotions and changed it in my mind from "me and the man I care about" to "meat and meat." The problem is, when you look at a human as meat, they become only the sum of their parts. So instead of being an imperfect guy who I am fond of, he became "balding head, hairy back, bad kisser, leg humper" oh...and here is the best part...AVERAGE PENIS SIZE! Oh my god, his penis was so average. Average length, average girth, maybe smaller than my 6 inch toy! And he just HAD to continue on with his "its really big" talk. I couldn't go that far, I just couldn't...He said "hows it's size in comparison to your toy?" I said "eh, about the same" he refused to believe it!

At one point I wanted to have sex. I would feel good while I was doing it, and it would be over with sooner, with less work to do. Usually its not "work," but it felt awful to be back in that place, meat on meat. I didnt want that anymore, and if I was going to do that, not with him, the boy I actually had let myself like. He didnt have a condom so I slowed down the kissing and told him politely that I had reached "resolution" and would like for him to finish.

I was happy to, no scratch that, I felt obliged to do sexy things to turn him on so he could hurry it up, but he wanted me to participate. It was just a nightmare. He kept saying "does this turn you on?" It was all I could do to keep from saying "NO YOU STUPID ASS, I TOLD YOU 20 MINUTES AGO I AM DONE!" The worst part of it all is he either didn't notice my absolute disintrest for the last half hour or he just didn't care.

I went through the motions the rest of the night and the next morning (although I have never before put my pyjamas BACK ON before going to sleep) The next day I felt like shit. I have been down in the dumps before, but this was a new kind of hurt. I cant even put into words that awful combination of feelings, I think it still hurts too much. I had a passenger say it seemed like I dont like my job (no one has EVER said that!) I snapped on my pilots even.

2 nights later I dumped him via e-mail. No guilt here for the impersonal means of doing it. If the words that come out my mouth meant anything to him I wouldn't be dumping him in the first place! He wrote an e-mail in protest and called once (without leaving a message) but nothing more. I imagine there is no reason to. He had his fantasy, so whats the point I guess.

It makes more sense to me now why I was such a wreck today (this ended less than 2 weeks ago.) It's one thing to be single looking at wedding dresses, quite another to feel like you will never trust someone enough to fall in love. I can see it will be a long time 'till I am interested in boys again at all. Truthfully, I havent even been interested in my toy! It's good for me to be able to look over the dynamics we had and see my mistakes. Problem is, I know what I did wrong, but I don't know how to do it right.

mood: broken-hearted