Uhhhhhhhhh
I wish I could say I am SOOOOOO happy to have the day off. I don't feel ready to relax yet because I have to go get my uniform tailored, I have a class, and I have to do some hard-core studying for my final paper and graduation tour. Then its back to work.
The good news is my trip is only a 2 day and I will overnight in Pensecola one of my pilot buddies lives there, and I may get to see him in his home turf. Problem is, when he is in pensecola he stays with his parents (his residence is being rebuilt after the hurricane trashed it) I am not so excited about having to be polite and presentable and small talky at the end of a trip when I am exausted and crabby. Especially now, I am not yet at the end of my rope, but if this continues much longer, I will be.
This week has been pretty good. (Although I mean that objectively, its hard for me to feel happy, I feel sort of just tense) Recurrent was stressful (2 days of thinking of EVERYTHING that could go wrong in an airplane, the place where I am in charge of the back, and it is my responsilbility to save lives AHHHH!) But I did get 100% on my test which is a good thing.
The next day I stayed in Philly, my crew and I went out to dinner which was pretty cool, they wanted to go to this irish pub-ish place called, wait, let me think...the plough and the stars or something. It looked irish-pubby from the outside, inside, it was a trendy type place. It was nice, I enjoyed it, but I would have loved to have a glass of wine, but the house wine was 6 dollars and my entree was 18 (chicken.) so I stuck with the free water. The food was beautiful and delicious, I had a half chicken with chorizo sausage and some delicious (gouda?) mashed potatoes and cabbage with peppers. I love that kind of resturaunt, but I am just a working-class flight attendant, I can't afford such luxury!
That night I returned to my hotel room and watched "Prozac Nation." I was always interested in reading that book. My life was changed by Zoloft (a prozac "cousin") and the book came out about that time. If I remember correctly it got bad reviews, "navel gazing by a spoiled brat" sort of thing, but I enjoyed the film. I am not sure if it was a good film or not, when you see your own life being portrayed you forget about character develpment and just forcus on the "yeah!" and the "I've dealt with that" moments. I feel that way about "View from the top."
The next night I overnighted in Jacksonville, FL, where I FINALLY got an e-mail from hottie-desk-clerk-from-boston Kareem! The day we had our "mini-date" on his dinner break he asked if I would hang out after work. I said no, becuase I had to be responsible, I would be staying up too late, and not be in good shape for class the next night (usually in my Monday classes after a trip I feel like I can barely stand up!) I guess he didn't want to write me because I said no, like he took it personally. He also said some stuff about "if a girl is going to get me all twisted up in the game I would rather keep my mind safe" I think that translates from hip artist language to square flight attendant language: "I feel as if you are leading me on, and if that is the case, I am going to protect myself from getting hurt." I responded telling him how great I think he is, how I am just not ready to get involved with anyone (I left out -"even the PERFECT MAN- YOU!) and how I hope he will write me back and start out as friends. We will see.
Day 3 I got back to the airport, and found out I didn't have to work for the rest of the day! I also found out that the DOLLAR AND FIFTY CENT raise I recieved wasn't an error! Yes you FUCKING DAMN WELL HEARD ME! 1.50! My boss wanted to talk to me, and I just KNEW it was to take away this raise that must have been an error...but no! ITS REAL! that is another $125 a month! OH MY GOD!
Yesterday night I had a walk-through in the museum, I am anxious as fuck about starting, and my body was so tired I could hardly stand, but it was so exciting to see it almost up. There still was plastic on some of the pieces, but that makes it even better, its a "museum strip-tease" it is being slowly unfolded, a little at a time, and, as in any museum, there are a lot of boobs and vaginas. LMAO
So I have been SO WHINY about how tired and stressed I am, I missed the fact that I had a good week! That is the thing about the disease of Depression. I have a GREAT life, like almost the life I dreamed of as a kid, but my perception doesn't match reality. The good news is I am getting to the point that I can recognize "this is reality, this is the depression talking" Right now I am sort of still in the last residual effects of a three year depression (coming back up from a near-suicide doesnt happen overnight). I still have depressed thoughts and behaviors in spite of the fact that my life is really great! At least I have the life experience to recognize the things that are good in my life as well as the things that I will have to do the work of changing. First Therapy appointment is next week! Hell yeah!
mood: optimistic, happy (?), tired, sore
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