Better buy? Chemistry.com or sex toy?

I took the test on Chemistry.com to see what kind of matches it would generate for me. So far it has been a failure in the ones they created for me, because a large percentage of them have been conservative. I thought that my profile was de-activated, but that must have changed when I updated my profile, because suddenly I am getting all of these e-mails "so and so is interested in you."

This is much better for my ego than the other dating sites I have been at, but I cant see who these guys are, because I have to pay first! It costs $50 for one month $90 for three months, and who the hell knows what it is for 6 months. Too much. In a way I can appreciate the idea of it costing alot, it weeds out the unemployed weed smokers, but I don't want to pay that much and find out they are all conservatives, or even if they aren't, I'm just not sure I want to date anyone right now, but I do want nooky.

So what's a girl to do? Well, I have spent the last few hours looking at sex toys. I have a lovely realistic dildo and a fantastic vibrator, a $12.50 conair massager that has lasted me 5 years. I love it, but I miss the easiness of the rabbit vibrator I once had, and broke. You just "get comfortable" turn it on, and it does all the work. It's more like a man, you just lay back and get lost in the moment.

I am searching and searching for the perfect one (toy, not man.) It has to be made of silicone (healthier for your body & less likely to break) and I want it to be sort of skinny, since I havent had sex for almost a year, and I want it to feel good, not hurt. I have found a few that seem good (hard to find a skinny rotating one, which is interesting) and the price? Around $80, almost the same price as Chemistry.com.

I am serious when I say I don't know which to pick. A real man could possibly be better than a sex toy. Oh, I am damn serious when I say could possibly, not for sure. A real man has the possibility attached to him that one of us can get sappy and fall for the other, which is great when it happens to both people, but in my experience it seems to only happen to one or the other. A real man requires socializing and hair and makeup doing and shit like that. A real man can last too long, or not long enough, OH! and a vibrator will give me orgasms.

I am leaning towards vibrators. I really have lost interest in men. Fuck them. I have dated so much the last 2 years, and when I think about it, there are a few of those relationships I never got over, namely Alan, Mike, and Jimmy. Did I tell you Jimmy wanted me after him and his Office Max girl broke up? What a flattering offer, to be the second choice & backup plan. So romantic. Mike dumping me really ended it for me. I really let myself fall for him, and that was a big mistake. I should have been more cautious, but I WAS very cautious. He sent me every cue that he liked me too. He looked at my myspace daily (for months after it was over too) and seemed really attracted to me. He had sex issues obviously.

And Alan, who seemed to be falling for me until the evening I told him I like sex alot. It was in a moment when he had confessed to me that he used to do lots of drugs, and I felt this desire to help him feel less vulnerable by being vulnerable myself. That threw me for a loop, from that moment on I could see the wheels turning in him, searching desperately for something wrong with me. It would have been great if he had told me he didnt want to be serious when I brought it up, pretty much giving him an out, but I suppose standing someone up on valentine's day is another way to do it.

There is also a man in India. He is the brother of the pastor who runs the children's home, and to date someone else prevents that from ever working out. I fell so in love with the kids in the children's home, and with his family. I don't know how I could make it work, but dating someone new would kill that opportunity.

I think I am leaning towards sex toy. It will be hard for me to feel comfortable spending that much money, though I deserve it, and I think its a good investment in my health. Orgasms are great for stress and I think if I had enough pleasure sexually, I would be less likely to go out looking for it, or appearing too "eager."

So now I just have to pick the perfect model...