Thursday, November 27, 2008

A provacative dream

Last night I dreamed I was a combination of myself, and "Fergie" from the Black Eyed Peas. I was an actor in a film, and I was fired, for a small thing, but a reasonable thing considering the scale of the film. In the dream I realized that acting is what I really wanted to do, it was where I was meant to be.

Now stop fucking laughing at me! When I say "acting is where I was meant to be" it doesn't mean "I was meant to be a star" I think my dream was about the creative part of me that needs desperately to be let out, I have an artistic mind, and I am quite talented at music (pitch & a pretty voice [to my ear anyway.]) I do write pieces of songs, and come up with art "installations" (no, don't ask me about the one with the latex dildos with faces on them.) I have this in me, why hasn't it come out?

That's easy. When my mom died, and dad was drinking, it was all survival for me. Art represented my dad, the guy who couldn't keep it together, I looked at the men in suits or polo shirts & khakis, thinking "those guys seem to have it together, I need to be like them." Let's face it- accounting offers security, medical careers offer security, singing and drawing don't.

Also, when my brain is stimulated, especially when I was younger, my mind would go crazy. If I read an article about astronomy that interested me, I would think of how much there is to know about space and the universe, and I would think I should learn about all of that stuff, and I would get so overwhelmed that once I started an interesting article I ought to put it down.

Music is the perfect example of me going nutso. The chances of me being a gifted astronomer would be small. I am smart, but not as smart as the people who study that regularly. Much of it would go over my head. But I was raised with music and art all around me. My brain is structured for music and arts, so if I put in the time, I could actually be good! I am not saying I would ever perform in front of strangers, but to just create some music that I like, and to sing and play guitar with my family, perhaps keeping the tradition going, could actually happen.

I just saw the movie "Once" tonight, which is what sparked my memory of the dream. The process of the two of them collaborating made me want to stand up and pace. There is so much in life I need to do! I guess now that the depression has lifted, I am back to the old, anxious girl, overwhelmed by her potential, so remaining instead on her bed, with her computer, reading Dlisted.

And the acting dream brings up memories so far back I barely remembered them. When I was young I put on shows. I loved reciting plays from textbooks on tape recorders. I put on impromptou plays, and I remember deciding one day in my elementary school yard that I would put on a show of the Wizard of Oz. The planning lasted 2 days at least. I was into it. It was going to happen.

I think Jr. High, coincidentally when my dad started drinking, is when the wind left my sails. The teasing finally got through, self-conciousness prevailed. The girl who was a leader and a performer learned to hold her head down. They teased me in elementary, but that didn't stop me I guess. I guess what stopped me was no longer having the ultimate ally, a parent, cheering me on.

Writing this brings me back there to that apartment when he started drinking. It was such an innocent time for me. The time I was still trusting, still- "me." The time when I still believed some of my life would be the same. I had no idea what the years ahead of me would be like. I had no idea that the person I was would dizzolve. I had no idea that Jr high, & high school would be all about fear, terror really. I saw my life go from a decent one, and for things to slip away, and get progressively worse. My innocent mind could only guess that it would only get worse, and that I was doomed to a life of torture and pain. I am so glad suicide didn't enter my mind until I was 18.

I guess that is just why these feelings are popping up now. As I am on the path of getting healthier and healthier, I have to re-learn who I actually am. I am not a yuppie. The yuppie goal was not one I chose because it fit me. I chose it out of fear that there was no other path for my life that could keep me safe. Now that I know I am safe and responsible, I can use some of my time to explore art more, which can free this creativity which is probably causing me anxiety, because I won't set it free.

It's time to stop being so damn "safe."

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