Sunday, June 22, 2008

I want

Hung, hot, a great kisser, knew what he was doing in bed. Big, dark eyebrows, oh! And that hairy chest and arms! AK!

Also sweet, smart, nerdy, and clean cut.

So what he was a manager at Office Max? He is a responsible person, and I got to see that I am not obsessed with status like I was worried I was, I just want a quality guy.

I cant take it. I want him so bad. And I cant just go and find another guy with chemistry. I LIKED him, that is what made the chemistry and making out exponentially better. I wanted to see him, have sex with him, and let my feelings go where they would. If I got hurt, if it couldnt work, I was willing to take that risk. But I was also willing to hope it could work, because he was that package. A nice boy, but I wouldnt have to "settle" for a guy who sucks in bed, in order to get a sweetheart. FUCK!

Also, I thought I didn't like white American boys, but that was almost a plus. I wasnt thinking about our ethnicities or any of the worlds problems. Not that I think that all the time with guys I date, but I think about it often.

I am so upset. Not as upset as I was about the Mike breakup, but I do think this guy was a good match. I mean very good. I mean very, very good. I felt like I could understand how people "fall" in love. Like consumate love, Friendship, Sex, & Companionate. I didnt have that with Charles, though I loved him.

I need to lose weight. Not so guys will like me, they already like me, but so I can have the confidence to take chances.

I need sex. Good sex. Sex I don't have to give up. Sex with friendship. Sex with loyalty. Sex with partnership. I realize the chemistry fades, but I need it now. I need it. Why do the work of a relationship otherwise? It's the positive reinforcement to keep trying though its hard. Sure it fades, but usually by then the other parts have developed.

I'm so in denial. I still feel this hope that he will call me and say "I cant do it, when you said **** I got to thinking, and I can't just settle for her." Yes, this is my actual hope. When I sit and think about it I know it's stupid, but I am just still somehow in denial. And lets say he did do that. Would I feel the same about him? Or is the spell be broken. I would forever be the second choice. Not a feeling that makes you feel valued. Sure, he has worked with her a year, but I still feel so awful.

I have gotten so close. So close to something real happening. But instead of feeling pleased with my progress, I am getting so frustrated. I am saying "something is wrong with me." I know that is the wrong response. I am so close. I am letting myself get hurt, which means I am letting myself feel. But I don't want to find "someone" I want him!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I want to find someone, in my city. No, I want him.

I want one for MEEEEEEEEEE! Where's mine?

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