Hey folks? Miss Diana? I missed her too. Not sure why I couldn't write. Not that it matters, but it is my diary, so I haven't made any promises. Still, I owe myself to have this record of my life. Oh well.
Last night I dressed up at a witch and went to a bar that I used to go to when I was younger. It was a amazing. The creativity of the costumes was amazing, and I felt so strongly that I was with "my people." The best part, was I was standing on the balcony in the corner with my friends blocking the view of me, so I danced my ass off. I am sincere when I say I would be a go-go dancer if I was offered the job. I dont really think of it as degrading, the goal of it is to create an atmosphere that gets you in the mood to dance. I have only seen a few go-go dancers in my life, so maybe my perception of what it is is skewed, but when I was in germany, I jumped on a speaker and started dancing, and my friend told me the energy of the people dancing went up when I did. I had a great time dancing like crazy up there, with no one to see me, thinking I am showing off, or trying to rub their penis on my butt.
You know, worrying about having penises rubbed on my butt didn't seem to be a problem. All these awesome, creative boys around me, no one tried to talk to me. Maybe it was because I was in a corner, surrounded by my friends most of the time, maybe it was because there were an equal amount of creative & cute girls there. One thing I wonder, is if I looked old to the people there. To me they looked my age, but I don't know if I am accepting myself as 31 yet. I cant help but think few people there were my age, because they were home with their damn spouses and children.
Anyway, being there I noticed, yes, I am indeed depressed. I have been for a week. Its mild, but real. Also, this week, I have been taking terrible care of my health. I have drank 4 out of 7 days, eating crap (or nearly nothing) and not getting enough water. When I drank about 16 oz of water I immediately noticed I had more energy. I also have had PMS and the time of the month, so I look forward to taking better care of myself and getting my less crazy hormones back.
With my depression in remission, the only secrets left in my life have been my love/sex life, so my blog has probably not been very constructive for the readers. But I need the rest/transition from having my identity be all about my disease. I am a person who has depression, not a "depressive." It has been an awesome feeling to become Diana again, not the woman struggling to claw her way out of the depression, to desire to live again. Too bad I had to discover that the real Diana is so damn narcissistic ;)