Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Its called a crush because it hurts

I couldn't write this yesterday, yesterday wasn't about me, it was about Obama. What a wonderful day. My heart wasn't heavy yesterday, but it is now.

When I was a child, there was a boy named Daniel Schneider. He was a nice boy, friend of a friend, younger brother of my friend's big brother. Sort of in the periphery of my childhood life. I had a childish sort of crush on him, not like I wrote "Diana Schneider" on my notebooks, I just noticed him, and he became sort of a template in my mind, a nice, smart, good boy.

I went to a different Jr. High than him, then we went to the same high school. He symbolized, a bit to me, the old world I lived in before my mom died, while I was still innocent, and relatively happy. When I went to Jr. High my grades slipped, I became a "bad" girl, and boys like Dan seemed so distant to me. They would never like me. Different social classes. He was a "smart" boy, I was "stupid" (too anxious to focus on a schoolbook) and that was that. I remember once talking to him, and asking about Bosnia. Weird. He didn't remember me from high school apparently, but I did not bring that memory up, because I am embarrassed to have been so casual in talking about Bosnia, where people suffered so much.

So I had added him as a friend on facebook months ago, and of course I facebook stalked him a bit, looking at his pics, seeing how he looks now, and left it at that. He would regularly update his status, but thats all the "communication" that took place. Well one day he left a comment on a status update saying "I know why this rep is so scary looking, her face doesn't move" He mentioned he would be doing door knocking for her competitor, and I mentioned he should call me when a group does that, because the Dem. office never called me, and I have offered to volunteer TONS.

He did contact me, and he suggested we carpool. I was nervous, but the second I got in the car it was just warm and friendly. It was just me and him, and everything was calm and relaxed immediately. It started with a touch on the arm, which is a nice way for people to connect, but it didn't take long for me to sense that the attraction I felt was mutual, which I took as quite a compliment. We went to the office and got our instructions, and went out into the field to start knocking on doors.

We spent 5 hours together, talking, laughing, it was great! Basically it was like an awesome date. But you see, this was no date. He is married. He has a young son, and a baby on the way. I'm not a bad person, I know it means he is off limits, but the crush was deep. To make it worse, he touched me...a lot. He touched my arm, he let his arm rest against mine. He touched my knee, he put his hand on mine, he even put his arm around me! I was fully aware that this was inappropriate, but my dream boy- no, not just my dream boy, the boy who became the template of what sort of image I would like a boy to be like, was touching me! I loved it! I did try to subtly move away, like by talking with my hands so he wasnt touching me anymore, but I am sure I sent non-verbal cues back to him. I couldn't get myself to say out loud "um, you are touching me an awful lot."

The lamest time was at a gas station, where there was some sort of "get the gasoline smell off your hands goo" that he put on his hands. It smelled like wintergreen, and I said it smelled good, like wint-o-green lifesavers. He got out of the car, got some of the goo, and rubbed it on my hands. Quite transparent. I told him how when you bite a wintergreen lifesaver in the dark it sparks, and he said something like "we can check it out..." and I am like ", I have seen that before, you should show your son that." *eyes rolling*

At the end we got some lunch, and we chatted. I learned that Mr. perfect's dad was an alcoholic too. It goes to show you cant judge a book by its cover. He drove me back to my car, and fortunately, he did not seem to want to linger for long after. I am glad. I had thought about it in my head, and actually thought "if he kisses me I will let him, THEN I will tell him it's not right, and then stop. How much worse is the actual kiss than the attempt? Not much." I feel guilty for the thought, though I realize it did NOT happen, and so I don't know what I would actually do if it did.

I drove straight home, and made my decision between, and the toy. I grabbed my credit card, and went out and got myself a new boyfriend. I named him Daniel. Daniel is not that great in bed, unfortunately. But, I already committed, I can't return him after I used him!

Fortunately he hasn't written the normal follow up "yeah Obama won! Thanks to us, go team!" he is ignoring me and I am ignoring him. Maybe he also realized how inappropriate things were. But the problem is, just because my brain knows it's good we aren't speaking, my heart doesn't get it. All my heart can understand is I spent the day with a boy I like, and he liked me. My heart feels pain to know I can't talk to him, see him again. It feels like another breakup.

I am also sick and fucking tired of this pattern of "clicking" or whatever with married and attached guys. Just a week or two ago I had this captain who looked like Tobie Maguire. I thought something was there, then "zing" I learn he is engaged. Then there is my beloved Dutch pilot. He is 47 and I totally have the hots for him. We sat and chatted, and the chemistry is unmistakeable. One of the things we chatted about is the daughter he is soon to adopt, as soon as the paperwork is finished. Then howabout the men I knew before they were married? Marathon Man and I cant remember the name I invented for him, but the bicycle man (who keeps inviting me to ride on his motorcycle- um, awkward!)

I don't want someone elses man! I can't even have a fantasy about them, because there is always a hurt woman, sometimes with a child, in the way of my turn-on. I chatted with a friend (another attached crush) who pointed out it could be fear of commitment. But you know what? It's not! I really want to find a partner, and its not working! My heart can only take so much! Mike and Jimmy were such a one, two punch, that I can't fathom putting myself out there again, and then we have these 2 guys, the captain & Dan, sending me the signals, making me feel brave enough to come forward, but I cant answer those signals! They are off limits. Well I am sick of off limits men!!!

Hmm, maybe it is not ME thats attracting them, its me thats attracted TO them, because they arent trying to get me, so I like them. Isn't that why women like gay guys so much? I don't know. If I am sitting and thinking about this so much, maybe it is time to go looking for someone. I dont know. Until then, I have my new friend who is mine and mine alone.

...oh, and to add to the list of attached men...Jackass Toronto Musician who put my name in a song. We arent talking now because he is a Jackass, and I think he is probably single now, (because he is a jackass) but for ages he has flirted with me, even though he had a girlfriend, and they had an "arrangement" good for them, still nothing worthwhile for me


Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

Diana Crabtree said...

Thanks :)