Friday, December 12, 2008


I am up at 3AM, wearing a tight red t-shirt that says "knowledge" but might as well as say "knockers" and was listening to the music of the mind-fucker in Toronto. I was shaking my head, feeling unsatisfied, and not sure why. Is it my job? My love life? If something needs to change, how should I change it?

What about men? What the hell. I see the ads on the side of facebook with a hot guy that I know is supposed to lure me to the site, and I think they all look like they are asses. I look at pictures of fat, lonely guys, and I think they look like clingy bloodsuckers. I am not coming from a positive, open place when it comes to men.

I thought about the Toronto man, and how annoyed by his mind-fucking I have been. Fortunately, he has hardly been on my mind at all for ages. He IMmed me one day, and everything was really clear communication. He said he thought I was mean, and really seemed to come out and say that he "likes" me, not just wants to sleep with me. I was open to it, really. I want someone in my life (maybe) and he is great looking and creative. But shortly after, I was IMing with him (barely) and suggested he call me. He didn't, nor did he suggest I call him. I soon made an excuse and signed out. Soon after I wrote him a really constructive letter, saying no girl would want him if he acted that way unless they had ulterior motives. I wont contact him again. Sadly, I am sure he will contact me again, and the tiring, endless, useless game will go on.

In the end, I sense he likes a little drama. Keeps the artistic juices flowing. It isn't me he likes, but the idea he has created with the little snippits of me he has seen, and if he were to actually make an effort it would A) require effort and B) reveal that I am actually a bit stable, and in turn=boring. I admit it. I dont have to be boring just to be stable, but I am both.

I thought about it- DAMN, I am 31. I am with it, damn it. I am a fucking ADULT. I am too old for crap. I have a new suggestion: if you are a woman over 30 and not a dumb ass. Stop looking. You had your chance to get married when you were young and impressionable. Once you have a vision in your head of how the world is, and how you want your life to be, you are too smart to fantasize into believing a anyone will give you what you need from a relationship.

CASE IN POINT: I thought about my mom. She had me when she was 25, so at 31, I was 6. I thought of what her life must have been like when she was my age, then I remembered, she knows plenty about dumb-ass men. She married my dad. I am happy to say I remember one example of a good boyfriend (who is now a state congressman- a good one! and has been for years) but she knows as much as I do about rediculous men. Well, almost as much. I got to see what happens when you die, and your child is left to be raised by one.

I really realized after having my tonsils removed, I am really lonely. I would love to have a family, or at least someone to give a shit about me when I had surgery. My dad really sucked at taking care of me. I asked him to be in charge of my medicine. Not surprisingly, I did that, despite being completely out of it from anesthesia. I sent him a link about the stages of my recovery to print for my grandma, I doubt he even read it. I even filled my own humidifier, even though I wasnt supposed to be bending. It hurt. I was dumb enough to think I would be taken care of this week. What a dummy. I am home now, and my roommate is a sweetheart, who certianly cares, but I am good enough now to look after myself. My friends offered to drop in, but I was in the suburbs when they did. I will see them in a few days, but I just would have loved to have a parent on those first few days. I wasn't helpless, damn it I am never helpless. I just wished I could have been. Just rested, let someone else do the thinking for that one day when my body was sliced open.

Speaking of...crying usually feels good. I treasure it when it comes, but right now, it hurts. It is stretching out my throat. I dont know if I should try to stop, or just put up with the pain in my throat.

Even when I do find someone, I need to get closer to my friends again. I have just become to shy with myself. I only want to see people when I have it together, when I'm not crabby or dense or mopey or exausted. I loved being in India with all of those people living together. You annoyed? Well too bad, you are surrounded by people, so get over your mood or we will make it worse. And what happens? You eventually forget what you are annoyed about (some of the time) and you arent alone.

This post wasnt supposed to be about my dad, but it is going there. What am I supposed to do with him when he ages? I can't fucking stand him. For some time I thought I would take care of him, but how? Hes so negative and bitchy. Hes so- stupid (and stubborn about it.) Aha! And I just figured something out...he probably thinks he is smarter than everyone, which makes him even more useless. "Common sense" is for commoners, right?

Uh. OK, that was a pretty good cry for a girl with part of her throat missing. Enough of this.

Sad not to have my ma. It would be good to have her on nights like these.

Oh...and can a person get vicodin withdrawl after only 11 days?

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