Saturday, July 14, 2007

Shifting Relationship

I hung out with my neighbor for the first time in a long time. The last time we hung out we were going to have sex, and when I was in a vulnerable position, ready for him to begin, he stopped and patted the bed saying "lets talk" and told me that he would prefer I tell him I love him, instead of the more profane talk. At one point I was in that vulnerable position again, and he wanted to talk again. That was it for me, I got my clothes on and decided I would never have sex with him again. This isn't the first time things have been weird. With the chemistry we have it shouldn't be that way.

I don't think he is intentionally weird, I think it has something to do with his sexual functioning from the antidepressants he takes, but that didn't change the fact that it makes me feel frustrated and, most of all, embarrassed. Being in the throws of passion you look pretty stupid, and if the action stops in the middle you are stuck looking and feeling like a freak, not to mention being all worked up without any satisfaction. Sex is supposed to make you feel good, not bad, so I don't want it with him anymore.

He just got back from a trip, we chatted and caught up, and I told him about the back probelms I have been having. He offered me a backrub and when I reminded him that I want our relationship to change, he promised it was just a backrub and I went up.

The backrub felt amazing. Not only did I get a backrub, but it was a backrub by someone I am very attracted to, so it felt twice as good. I also rubbed his back, and he said that he had been in a down mood, but that the backrub helped.

Howabout that for mutual benefit? Trading backrubs. It's nurturing and good for everyone's health. He's good at it, I'm good at it. If one of us is feeling down we can help each-other out (unlike with sex, where if you are feeling down you don't feel sexy) and we live close to each-other so it would be convenient.

I also have decided to hang out with him in more sporty/healthy ways. He drinks on a regular basis and while I wouldn't say he is an alcoholic, I enjoy him less when he's drunk. He likes to work out and do outdoorsy things, so I think I will skip the bar crawls, (which usually bore me if there's no music or dancing anyway) and just hang out with him in healthier ways.

He's a good guy. I want good things for him. I hope that our friendship can progress and have substance if the sex is gone.

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