Saturday, July 14, 2007


So I'm miserable, so the tinyest tasks seem like moving mountains, that is all very unfortunate, but I am making it worse by the way I dwell on it.

I am supposed to visit my family in the north of my state this week, and my patterns are to want to cancel. I am miserable, so instead of seeing my family and being partially distracted from my misery I should stay home and lie in my bed where I can give my misery my undivided attention?

When I get by myself my mind just starts going on and on. I will never be married. I will never have a family. If I was married with a family I would screw them up. I will be the crazy aunt/cat lady. I am the worst employee in the world, I will never have a good career. I will never make a comfortable living. And on, and on, and on.

Wait...that is the exact discription of the broken record in my head that I hate, and was happy to get rid of with the Risperdal! So part of the trick will be saying "the record is playing again" and disregard the thoughts as being as false as a Schitzophrenic's hallucinations.

So yes, I will probably get married. I will not only eventually meet a great guy, I will probably be meeting a new man within a few months. I didn't marry Charles because he is not Mr. Right (it still pains me to write that) and I will find someone as good as Charles, but who fits me better (or maybe I'll marry Charles)

I will have children, and I will likely be too crabby sometimes, but I will not screw up my children's lives just because I yell now and then.

I will have many jobs in my life. I will not be stuck where I am, and I will not have to be a waitress, and if I am, it wont be forever. I will find a way to help people somehow.

I have come a long way. Just because I am feeling a little depressed doesn't mean I have to go back to the depressed behaviors I have practiced in the past. I might not be happy at times, I will for sure be so irritable I could explode, but it will pass, and I will learn how to manage my anger.

I am going to my family's and I am going to stay on top of things as much as I can. i wont be perfect, but that doesn't make me dispicable. My temprament might not be as naturally pleasant as I wish it was, but that doesnt mean I am a bad person, or that I am unpleasant all the time.

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