Wednesday, July 11, 2007

I lost my temper today

It hasn't been great since cutting my Risperdal dose. It has been very sad, in fact. I was getting used to myself being a certian way, easygoing, happy, pleasant, and then I had to cut the Risperdal dose. Now I am much more irritable, and I feel like I am not myself anymore, and the person I am I don't like.

Today we were returning home from Canada, and we were sent to a gate with customs, so the rampers werent familiar with our plane. They knocked, and were supposed to wait until I opened the door, but since they were unfamiliar with our plane they just kept knocking then opened the door themselves. I looked out the door and snapped "I wasn't cleared to open the door yet!" and then when they just sort of stood there, not putting the railings down, I pulled out the pins myself and slammed the railings down. Geez! What a bitch! Those rampers probably felt stupid, they may have never encountered a CRJ before and I made a big scene about it. I feel like such a jerk.

Since being so irritable and stress prone I am no longer hungry for children, but it's not in a good way, like I am not obsessed anymore, instead it's in a sad way, I just know I can't handle kids, and I question if I can even have a relationship, so I no longer see kids as within my realm of possibility anymore. Oh how sad. And I haven't even gotten off the Risperdal all the way. I feel the person that I am melting away and being replaced with a tense bitch. I feel really unloveable, mostly because I don't like myself anymore. I am judgemental of people who scowl or snap at people, I am judgemental of alcoholics and angry people, and now look at me, I am in the shoes of those people again. (Not alcoholics, but I can see how easy it is to become one)

I was in Office Max the other day and a guy was really eager to help me. I just thought to myself that he really ought to keep his distance, because the closer he gets the uglier he will realize I am, because I am really, really crabby and unpleasant on the inside. You know thats where I chose the last name "Crabtree" for myself right? Because I am so regularly crabby.

One thing that has made a big difference? I bought a Homedics Shiatsu Massage Cushion for myself. It was $150 and worth every penny. I guess the way food or sex can bring much needed pleasant sensations, this can too, but without the negative side effects.

Time to go back to therapy

No comments: