Friday, April 06, 2007

What is going on with my head?

I will start with my nightmare, it was so horrible. I dreamt that there was a delay, and so I left the plane to hang out in a gazebo, and then while sitting in the gazebo I realized that I am never supposed to leave the plane while a passenger is on so I tried to run back to the plane before anyone noticed I left. Then I couldn't find the plane for the life of me, and I ran into the union president, and she just shook her head and said "man that's bad, wish there was something I could do for you." My job was completely gone, and I was devestated. It really drilled in the point how much I love my job.

But why was I having nightmares in the first place? Because I drank two Red Bulls at night, becuase I went to Ashram's hotel, and he was staying up all night so he could catch his 5AM taxi to the airport.

Yes, Ashram again. He got his job back that he quit! I guess they needed him so much that a manager above the one who called him "irresponsible" asked him to come back and now he will deal directly with her, not with the other guy anymore! Wow! Being a data architect has it's perks!

Here's whats screwed up. I really liked him last night. We cuddled and kissed for a short time (I stopped it, but partly because I was SOOOO TIRED.) He was asking me if I liked kids and if I was a "homely girl" (a girl who does things in the home) because it was in the movie "The Guru" (I bought it, I just love that movie.) Maybe it was the Guru that got me so mushy. It has a woman with an unusual sexual lifestyle, and an Indian man who sees that she is a lady, deserving of love anyway. Maybe seeing that, mixed with knowing Ashram for a longer time, and not being fresh from the rejection by Alan, I felt like I really liked him.

Why did I not like him? Well, for one he said something positive about George Bush, I can't think of a bigger turn off. I brought it up the other day and I asked him if he would ever vote for George Bush, he said no. Then there was the fact that he doesn't seem to think I am beautiful, but then when I looked into his eyes last night he said "you think I don't find you beautiful, but the truth is you are too beautiful" or something like that. And I appreciate that he sees personality first (and doesn't seem to have a big ego about his appearance, even though he is told alot by his family that he is handsome)

Maybe I am lonely? Maybe I am excited by the idea of a family, and I see a man who could afford babies as well as give me pretty Indian babies and a wedding with a pretty sari? (positive racism? sure, but I am still thinking it) I am sort of feeling worried that I won't find Mr. right in time for me to have I enthusiastic because I am seeing a good prospect?

But I also think he is cute, and he has a cute and analytical personality, and is kind. Am I trying to keep myself from liking him to prevent myself from only liking him for his money and ethnic heratige? Thats dumb, because every thing that is positive in a person contributes to what you like about them, so if I am feeling like I am liking him, it's okay if those are contributing factors of why, as long as those aren't the ONLY factors.

But I know we would butt heads, we already do a little. But butting heads is probably better than it was with Charles, where I just worshiped him and wanted to do anything that made him happy, even when it made me unhappy.

I feel anxious thinking about Ashram. I feel like I want to hold back, because I don't want to allow myself to develop feelings for him. Is this a cue that he is wrong for me? Or is it a cue that he could be right for me and I am scared?

At least I am able to take it slow. I said I wanted to keep the kissing sweet and innocent while I figured out how I felt, and he didn't push me, though he did make fun of me when I said breasts count as sweet and innocent.

Maybe I should just live in the present and enjoy his company. I keep driving one hour there and back to see him, so there must be something going for him.

I don't want to think about it anymore right now.

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