I just went upstairs, and what I did with my neighbor is not fit for print.
I'm lonely, (and horny) and he is such a sweet guy, I just feel so safe around him, I feel like I can be as wild and honest as I want to be, and he doesn't judge, he appreciates it. And I feel like I can do something like this. I went up to visit him, and immediately when it was done I left so he could go to sleep, but I didn't feel used or seedy, I just felt fine. I didn't feel judged by him, again, I felt appreciated.
Unfortunately, at his age he has some sexual problems too. He wasn't going to give me any sex tonight, but things perked up after we talked awhile.
I really just want to find Mr. right, get married, buy a house, and make babies. I am sick of sleeping with my neighbor, or making out with a pilot, or looking at people on yahoo personals. I keep wondering if Charles is Mr. right, and that I am just afraid of commitment, or that I am racist or xenophobic. But he tried again tonight, if he's Mr. right, wouldn't I jump to it? Is anyone going to be good enough in my eyes? I wonder. I wonder if I am preoccupied with sex. I wondered also if I was preoccupied with money, but now I see that I am not.
I feel frustrated with all this dating and sex stuff. I want the love and trust I had for Charles, plus the sex I had with Alan. And with a guy who has his shit together like Charles. Maybe I should go back to my therapist (she seems to think I am done) but for that matter, she said she thought it was over with Charles.
I will go to bed now. I sort of wish I hadn't written this post, because I was basking in the afterglow, and now I feel sad. Unless I was going to feel sad anyway. Who knows.