Thursday, December 29, 2005

I HAVENT REACHED ENLIGHTENMENT!

In my Buddhist studies I have recently learned about an excercise to build compassion called the "Tonglen Meditation" where you imagine taking on the suffering of the world, transforming it, and then returning it to the world as light. Today I did the first part, but forgot the whole "transforming" it part. Now I am wallowing and pissed!

I was in a great mood when I came home, but my poor roommate is stressed about finals. We went to a restaurant, and then to Caribou, fucking corprate bastards, charge for internet, so she had to go to another wi-fi spot to do something to her paper, who knows. I went with her, to a great coffee shop five blocks away, assuming it would take about a half hour. Instead something is wrong with her computer and it will take all night to retype it.

Believe me, I feel for her. Poor girl has finals, and an overdue paper to write that suddenly won't show up on her computer. She has a right to be in a pissy mood. But that doesn't mean I had to adopt it. I did, I soaked it up like a sponge.

To top it off she has a car, and we have a parking spot that we were leaving for someone else to use, but now we will be taking. Whoever is displaced I am sure will be upset, I don't know how to go about it except to just park in the space and leave a note. Tera has pretty much left it for me to do. I have been here longer, and I am solely on the lease, but I still feel annoyed that she is adding this stress to me after she already "gave" me her bad mood. (TOTALLY unfair, I know)

There have been some armed robberies in the area so I didn't want either of us walking home alone, so I convinced her to come home with me, I felt like shit about it, becuase she had to deal with her paper, but I thought it would be a half hour, I hadn't signed on for an all night coffee shop excursion. I brought nothing to entertain myself so it was perfectly reasonable for me to want to go home after an hour, especially since something there did a number on my sinuses (they hurt so bad right now!)

Now we are home, and she is happy as a clam watching Jesus Christ Superstar, and I am stressed and pissed. I need to learn how to better be supportive without absorbing someone else's pain. I am angry at her now too, which is SO UNFAIR. And what is even more unfair is imagining how many times I have been a downer.

I wanted to go to Florida tomorrow. Now that I have spent my whole night at fucking coffee shops I didn't pack. It was all my choice I know, but I wish I had made very different ones.

mood: tired, pissy, crabby, resentful, guilty, annoyed, in pain.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

R.I.P. Diana

I have checked my temprature 4 times, and the lowest temp I got was 99.4. I just threw up my lunch, that I wasn't even hungry for until 4PM. I have a heating pack on my stomach because it is so cramped up.

It's official...I have bird flu and am going to die.

This might have contributed to my laziness today.

mood: sad that I am going to die of bird flu. Happy that I will probably lose weight first!

Nude Girls

To the women who want money or attention for putting nude or sexy pictures of themselves posing or having sex online...take the pictures yourself and post them! Don't sell your body to profit some sleazy man!

Posing nude or having sex online could interfere with relationships, could lead to embarassment, you could even lose your job! If you are going to take such risks with your life you should be the one profiting from it. Some guy with a website isn't taking the risk you are, even if he poses in the pictures the social stigma is much worse for women. No man has the right to profit off of a woman's body, so for the love of god don't give jerks who try to use you the privledge!

I realize the majority of women in the adult industries were abused as children, why let yourself be abused more?

And to men who profit off of women's bodies, I would love to post pictures of you bent over with your cheeks spread apart, and make money off of it.

mood: pissed (post inspired by a blog I just viewed)

I am a loser

I have lost 3 valuable things in only two weeks!

On the last trip, I left my expensive camera, that was a gift, on an airplane or at the airport.

When I returned home my neighbor knocked on the door, a police officer was on the phone for me, I had left my very important ID on the light rail!

Then, this last trip, I lost my debit card!

What gives? For one I am not very organized, my guess is that I am a little more spacy as well because of my increased medication dose, I think that is the reason for everything!

Did I also mention I haven't seen my favorite hairbrush in ages?

mood: a bit concerned!

Lonely and bored again-YAAAAY

I am home alone, and again, I feel lonely and bored! This is such a good sign, I wondered if last time was a fluke because I was premenstrual but it is verified, I feel lonely and bored home alone, which probably means that my intense desire to be home alone so much was depression related (do they call that "Isolating" ?)

Last time I did not make plans with a friend, I think I have to this time. I just called one. I am hopeful that this is not a "use it or lose it" situation, that if I take my time getting used to the new feelings that I will go back to the way I was. I don't want to take any chances, but I also don't want to overwhelm myself like I have a number of times in the past, by overfilling my schedule.

No matter what, I have to see this as a blessing. It is going to require me to be more active, which is going to require me getting over some lazyness, but now I have a chance, before my medication was increased it was just too challenging. I just have to recognize I am lucky.

mood: lonely and bored, grateful

Sunday, December 25, 2005

I have no Christmas spirit- thats alright!

It's Christmas, I am in Little Rock about to go to bed. I picked up my roommate's Christmas eve and Christmas as a sweet thing to do, she really wanted to spend Christmas with her family, and I felt a bit indifferent, I already saw my Mom's side of the family for Thanksgiving, and the last time I spent time with my Dad (the Zen center experience) some old feelings came back.

I realized as the holiday approached that I did something nice for a friend at the expense of my Grandparents and Father. I decided that I had made a mistake. I won't tell my roommate of course, but next time I will take the opportunities to spend quality time with my family.

I feel quite a disconnect with my family, on both sides. When I was 12 my father was passed out drunk on the porch every night, I REPEATEDLY reached out for help to both sides of my family, I did get to spend a summer with an aunt and uncle, and I got shoulders to cry on, but I recieved, whether fair or not, the message that it was okay that my dad wasn't giving me what I needed, my dad's mom even said "├┐ou are really hurting your dad" in response to my pressure for him to quit drinking or for me to get somewhere else to live. I still feel resentment that someone didn't take a stand on my behalf, or take me in permanently (even though my whole family has apologized for this) so things like holidays don't seem to be a big deal to me, I don't feel like I owe anyone anything.

My Buddhist studies and therapy are telling me that I have to move on from this, and start being more actively involved with my family. I think I am pretty ready to do this. I think I need a few good therapy sessions about it, some crying and some mourning, and then I should be done with it. A bad childhood is not a good enough excuse to become a cold, distant, bitter adult.

Last night I went to a midnight mass, it was a nice production, but lately any time I go to a Christian church I feel deeper and deeper that I am not Christian. I have just come to terms with it. I never was really Christian, I twisted Christianity to fit with my beliefs so I would be accepted and treated with respect. I am very glad that I am strong enough now to not need respect from people who would call me, one of the most ethically concerned people I know of, "immoral" because I have different beliefs than them. I am happy that I can finally be honest with God, Mother Nature, or whatever you call it.

I am not completely pleased with myself this Christmas, I didn't buy anyone anything, and I only sent out 3 cards. I think that next year I will participate more, it is a cultural tradition of much of my country, and the people I love, and it has the lovely message of giving and family togetherness. I think I am okay though, I buy people gifts when I find them, I think that is more sincere than only doing it on a specific day.

I feel no Christmas spirit this year. When I think of Christmas this year all I think of is TV commercials and Bill O'reilly and his ilk stirring up trouble by claiming that people get offended if you say "Merry Christmas" to them. I am sure there are a few people who do, but most people who arent Christian just don't want to be treated as if Christianity is "America's Religion" and that their religious traditions make them somehow less American. O'reilly and them are just creating this hubub to divide America more. Merry Christmas Mr. O'reilly, Jesus would be so proud.

So thats my Christmas post. I really DO wish everyone a Merry Christmas, I hope people feel warm and connected to their family, which is what Christmas should be like. I don't feel bad that I don't feel Christmas spirit this year. I am not unhappy, in fact, I am quite happy. It just feels like Sunday to me.

mood: good (but dizzy spells!)

Friday, December 23, 2005

GREAT news! I'm lonely and bored!

Days like today are supposed to feel like heaven. My roommate is on a trip and I don't have plans today, it's just me, alone, in the apartment, this is supposed to be paradise to me, am I loving it? No. I am bored, and lonely! :)

This is such a great sign. Usually I am just dying for time alone, and I have to drag myself to do normal young people stuff like going to bars and shopping. But today I would have probably been happier going to a bar or shopping!

One of the curses of my life has been the effort it takes to be a good friend. Yes, everyone should work hard to be a good friend, but I mean wanting to hang out at all. Having the anti-depressant increased has been a hard transition, but I am seeing now that it is a really good thing!

So congratulate me, I am lonely and bored, like a normal 28 year old woman should be when she's alone on a friday night! Now, did I call any of my friends to go out? One step at a time, ok? LOL

mood: lonely and bored -whoopie!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Chill Therapy

I am writing this post from a local non-corprate ice cream shop, and right now, I am participating in a type of therapy.

I made this therapy up. I call it "Chill Therapy" it is to treat me, using desensitization, for my Social Phobia. Social phobia is an anxiety disorder where, when around people, you feel as if they are paying attention to you and judging you. One of the reasons I didn't graduate college is that on mornings I wasn't feeling attractive, or if I was late, I couldn't bring myself to class, I was convinced that when I walked in the room everyone would look at me and judge my clothes, my skin, my hairstyle, even my body language. Thanks to the desensitization from my current job and my former job as a waitress, this has gotten a lot better.

I still, on my days off, really prefer top be at home. I don't feel like interacting, being friendly, or being outside of my comfortable domain. This therapy I have invented is an effort to expand this comfortable domain.

Nearby there are a few restaurants and coffee shops, including a Leanne Chin's, a burrito place, an italian deli, a Jordanian corner store that serves Gyros, and a cool NY style pizza place. What I have decided to do is to begin to hang out, "chill," at these places and the local coffee shops. They are within a few blocks of my house, so it is like a baby step, expanding my comfort zone.

A big thing that I notice when I go out, is my voice gets ugly. I start sounding like a bitchy snob girl, you know those voices, with the long trailing end "Yeahhhhhhhh, I was totally maaaaaaaad" and that weird phrasing sentances in the form of a question "So I went to visit my friend?..." I need to be in public (as myself, not as a flight attendant) more so I relax and start talking normal, I also need to learn how to lower my voice projection so other people can't hear what I am saying.

As my comfort zone expands, I can add a block to the circumfrence, until hopefully I can go out with my friends as Diana, not "trailing off question sentance girl." I already feel comfortable, this week we have gone here, the burrito place, the Gyros shop, and a corprate coffee shop, and my voice sounds much less self-concious and asshole-y already :)

I am getting more accomplished too, because I am not obsessing about my apartment's neatness shortcomings (in rough shape since my awesome roommate moved in) and I have gotten to bond with roomie Tera, as we get aquainted with this really great neighborhood.

This place has Wi-Fi so I am hopeful to get my laptop hooked up with it. Blogging is a nice security blanket that could help me get comfortable in public more, I feel hopeful, I think this therapy is going to be really helpful, and since I invented it maybe I can make a million bucks so I can afford the cappucino bills!

mood: relaxed :) (in public!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Sex free (by CHOICE)

A few weeks ago I had mentioned to my therapist that maybe what I need to do to get the icky marshmallow cock experience out of my system is to have sex again to remember how much I love it. She laughed at me! She said it would be moving backwards. She said I use sex differently than most people, I use it to be distantly intimate with someone, instead of to be closer to someone. I know I have made a lot of progress, I definately don't want to move backwards. So I have decided to not have sex unless it's with a boyfriend.

The other day I thought it would be fun to figure out how many men I had been with. I think most people keep a running total, but I didn't want to do that because I felt like it cheapened sex. I did a lot of reminicing as I tried to remember the people, their last names, and the circumstances. As I thought about them I grinned wickedly to myself, thinking "Oh yeah! That was crazy! Oh yeah! That was awesome!" and I reminded myself of the cheezy guys at dance clubs. Keeping a running total couldn't cheapen sex and men as much as my attitude. I could see very clearly that in that time in my life men were conquests.

You see this a lot. Mysogynists sleep with tons of women. Women are objects. Something beautiful like sex becomes an act of coldly dehumanizing someone. I was the same. I looked at men as things you collect, not people you spend time with. I used them. Many of them used me too, which just solidified in my mind that I was doing nothing wrong. Not all of them were using me, I am sure I have hurt a few of them, and again thought that I was doing nothing wrong because I thought "these are the rules men get to play by, so I will play by them too."

My therapist says that now that I know the reasons I have sex with people without the goal of being closer to them, it won't work anymore. I think she's right. I have contemplated it, but realized that I don't want to deal with the weird politics of it. I want to finish, and then unself-conciously be really sweet and happy, not have to work really hard to remind myself "you don't like him, it was just sex." If I no longer want to use sex as a way to take as much from mankind as they take from womankind, then there is nothing left to make sex outside of a relationship worth it.

If I was born with a disorder that I grew a ZZ Top style beard every night in my sleep, It would be very easy for me to say "I am not going to have anymore sex, until I am in a relationship." because I imagine that I wouldn't have many tests of my commitment. I had wondered how strong my commitment was, but last night I found out I am going to be able to do it!

I was at a hotel bar with computers in it during a layover. I bought a beer but had my face buried in the computer, so it wasn't like I looked like I was on the make. A good looking man with a great body sat at the computer next to me and we started talking. I could tell pretty soon that he thought he might get lucky, we were making fun of some ladies in the bar talking loudly about their kids. I mentioned that it's cute to see kids do cute stuff, not to hear about it. Prince charming says to me "I don't have any kids, I like practicing making them but I'm putting them on layaway" I laughed politely, basically acting like I didn't hear his dumb innuendo and he decided to say it again. He also tried to say some dumb seductive thing, and give me the "alluring eyes."

Now I know what you are thinking, "He sounds very easy to turn down" but you see, guys like this are perfect. You feel no guilt for using them, you know your going to get some by just "wanna?" and there is MUCH less risk of developing a crush. he was the PERFECT mark, and I was not interested.

Last night I got the privledge to learn two things about myself. One, that I have changed, and I don't have to worry that I am going to revert back if I lose weight and get a lot more opportunities. And two, that I. Still. Got. It. ;)

mood: happy, a little anxious

Saturday, December 17, 2005

My Depression Lifting is No Big Deal

It is not a big deal that my depression is lifting. It is little.

It is little, like taking the stairs instead of the escalator.

It is little, like taking the time to fix the stray hairs that have fallen out of my ponytail.

It is little, like filling the cracks in the walls with spackle.

It is little, like IRONING.

It is little, like saying stupid things, just as an excuse to giggle.

It is little, like shaving my legs, even though no-one will see them but me.

It is little, like passing the krispy kreme donuts at the hotel, and reaching for the whole wheat bread.

It is little, like putting on makeup.

It is little, like washing the dishes before they become a huge pile.

It is little, like wanting to paint the town, dressed to impress.

It is little, like going to the grocery store, even if I haven't taken a shower.

It is little, like answering the phone when it rings.

It is little, like nail polish.

It is little, like running an errand without having to drag myself.

It is little, like flirting.

It is little, like being assertive when someone is inappropriate.

It is little, like dusting.

It is little, like telling the truth, not just trying to please others.

It is little, a little thing like loving my life, but knowing I can have better.

My depression lifting is no big deal, it is little.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Surprise for Rich's Birthday!

1412 richards cake

Today is Rich's birthday! I met Rich on a fellow blogger's page, and although I have never met him, he has become an important part of my life! I thought it would be a nice thing to give him a birthday surprise :)

I baked this cake for him. No, I didn't have 31 candles for the cake, I wanted to leave some space so you could see the design. I created this design because I think Rich is a treasure, like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. :) I sure hope he likes it.
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1419 cake all mine

Ha ha kid that's really cute, pretending like you are going to cut the cake. Please be careful with that knife you might accidentaly...hey!
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Alex Birthday cake

Okay, I know you are a kid and you love cake, but please let me put the piece your friend cut for you back, I can repair the edges with frosting, then after the surprise you can have a piece okay? Oh come on!
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Birthday Cake

You should be ashamed of yourself! You're a role model! There are children here and you should lead by example and wait until the surprise before eating it. Oh, she wants a piece does she? Be a man, dont let her just hold her hand out and bat her eyelashes, thinking she can get anything she wants just by flirting...you can't be serious!
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veronica and birthday cake

Do you feel proud? Playing with that boy's heart just to get a piece of cake that isn't even supposed to be cut yet? How do you live with yourself? Don't feed it to the baby, it's loaded with sugar and will keep her up all night. Your not the one who has to take care of her...UH!
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adahCake

You! Of course you would shamelessly eat the cake, you've never even had a birthday, so how would you know how special it feels to blow out the candles and be celebrated? Kids these days!
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cake_leftover

SURPRISE!

Happy 31st Birthday Rich!

TOO FUNNY!

I called in sick at the beginning of the month, the first day it was reasonable, because I had "gotten sick" but the second day (which because of the nature of our schedules meant 3 days) I called in because my necessary ID came up missing.

Well HA HA because I have a cold now! There is no way in hell I could call in sick after the first week. And it gets better...I have a sneezy cold! I am sneezing, HARD every 2 minutes. Would you like a soda served to you by a woman sneezing loudly every 2 minutes? I am going to have to run to the galley every few seconds!

Too funny, Too funny, Too funny!

The good news is my anti-depressants are at a higher level, and so even though my body isn't feeling great, I am not useless. I have a sense of humor about it. I can survive this trip.

mood: sneezy! (and ok)

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Anti-depressed

I am sad to have lost the long post I wrote. I will try to summarize it.

I have been on a higher anti-depressant level for a week now, and today I laugh naturally, not just in response to cues that I should. I woke up this morning and instead of feeling like I was to live out another day of a sentence, I felt like "okay, time to get up now." This week I wore makeup, a skirt, and I even...IRONED!!!

This is not the end of my journey, I haven't crossed the finish line. I have a lot of work to do to live the life that I want. And it wont be all downhill from here either. This afternoon, with this new increased brain activity, I got overwhelmed thinking about the things that I could accomplish today now that I have more energy. I thought myself into the paralysis that brought me to therapy in the first place. It will take a lot of hard work to learn how to rein in and focus my energy, not just the work that it takes to build a life for myself.

I haven't gotten much done today, but I am not beating myself up for it. One thing I did do is tell Tera that I only said I wanted to do the business to make her happy. She took it very well and I was proud that I was able to recognize what I was doing, and chose to be assertive about it.

I am going to try to get some things done now, (with frequent computer breaks, of course) My hope is that my increased energy, once channeled, can be transformed from anxious energy into constructive energy.

mood: nice

Long, good post...GONE

I wrote a good post.

Tera was trying to dry her hair fast, she turned on two hairdryers.

I said "Tera your going to make the power go out" two seconds later...power, out.

mood: waaaaaaaaah

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Home again home again jiggity jig

Ahhhh. I don't have a specific thing to write about, I just feel like writing. I am home, and happy to be home, but I was also happy to be at work. I like my job, in spite of all of it's flaws, and I am sincerely freaked out to imagine my life without flying. It has seeped into my veins!

One thing that has made getting back to work is having more personal space. (If you saw the airplanes I fly on this statement would make you laugh) My roommate is perfect in every way, but she was raised with two sisters and a brother, not to mention parents who were involved in her life. I am an only child, who spent much of her life watching TV, or playing happily alone in my bedroom. It is really overwhelming to hear every 10 minutes "I think..." and "we should..." it is quite the privledge to get to be friends and roommates with such a great person, but I need some time when I don't have to listen or respond.

For some reason reading and writing on the computer, which requires a great deal of mental formulating, feels really good when I want to be alone. Maybe I have stronger reading and writing skills than listening and verbal skills.

The fact that I feel overwhelmed is very much within my control. I am a people pleaser, no question about it, so I work very hard to keep from hurting her feelings. She says to me "We should join a [fill in the blank] activism group" or "we should start a [fill in the blank] business" and I say "thats a great idea" when what I am thinking is "that sounds like much more work than I am willing to commit myself to right now." She convinced me to start an e-bay business with her, and I agreed, but I am going to assertively tell her no.

I sense that she is A LOT like me, an "ideas person" and ideas are very important, and only some people have the skill to think outside the box. But ideas alone don't lead to success. The idea needs follow through, hard work, and focus. I think she is in the stage of her life where the whole world is out there for her to take. I am at the stage in my life where I want to focus on small, achievable goals, and build upon them a little bit at a time, until they become big. What I need to do is focus on my goals, a condo, massage certificate, weight loss, getting rid of stuff, and of course, mental health. Spending time on the business, while it might bring me extra money, would distract me from my goals. So I am going to assertively and kindly (and firmly) tell her I won't do the business but I will happily help her (I am happy to- I LOVE thrift stores!)

This post has been a sincere diary entry, not much form or focus, just the things that were on my mind.

mood: pretty ok :)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Interesting Observations

2 random, but interesting observations:

1. Right now I am in the hotel lobby, I am in my work environment. I do not feel as terrified about life as I do when I am in my house. Hmmmmmmm

2. A few nights ago I had a nightmare. In the nightmare someone had a knife to my throat ready to kill me (funny enough, it was in response to me criticising the CEO of my company!) In the nightmare I said "I regularly have suicidal thoughts, if this man agrees to my pleading not to kill me, I don't have the right to have those thoughts anymore!" I think it's a good sign that when I had the opportunity to die I turned it down :)

It was a fun job while it lasted

The good news: Our airline is the most cut-rate cheap-ass airline I could ever imagine.

The bad news: Mesa is even more cut-rate.

The mainline our company flies for has our routes available to bid on, if their possibly existsts a lower bidder than us, I am out of a job

Massage school here I come.

mood: sad. I like my job :(

I can laugh about it now

Eww!

EWW EWW EWW EWW.

There is a reason why I don't feel exremely motivated to lose weight. There is a reason why I don't feel exremely motivated to spend time on my hair and makeup. There is a reason I am such a raving sexist. It's because of days like today!

Today a man got on the plane. I thought he was attractive and distinguished looking. When serving him a drink I noticed his pinky touched my hand when I handed him his soda, happens alot. Then, it seemed to happen again when I handed him his cup. My hand regularly touches my passenger's, I hold onto the cup until they have it completely in their hand, so it doesn't spill. I thought it was weird but didn't think much about it.

When collecting his cup he brushed my hand with his pinky again! I thought "eww thats really skeevy" and I also laughed to myself that it really sucks that he had to be skeevy, because I would have said yes if he had just politely asked "can I please touch the side of your hand with my pinky?"

There were only 6 passengers today so I sat in the back and doodled. On the way to the bathroom Skeevy McGillicuddy said "Do you ever get stuck in Milwuakee?" I said "yes, why?" he said he was asking to find out if I was based there. I said no and he said "that's too bad because if you were I would invite you over" I laughed and he said as he walked back "I'm serious, I'm serious"

I thought, "Oh! He likes me" and then went "Wait a minute...invite me OVER? OVER?" He didn't say "I would invite you to dinner" he said "over." When he came out of the bathroom he said something to me and I said (quite assertively I am proud to say) "It's not a very polite thing to tell a woman you would invite her OVER" he rested his hands on the seatback in front of me and said "Well there is an issue of time" at which point I saw a ring on his finger! I gestured to his ring and said "What kind of...?" to which he responded "I have a very good marriage." I glared and shook my head at him and he went back to his seat.

I was so insulted. But then I thought "If I am to respect other's sexual lifestyles, then maybe I should be more tolerant of his appraoch. If people have loveless flings they need a way to find each other don't they?" So when he leaned in to say something as he left the plane, I was open, I assumed he was going to say "I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable" because it was very obvious that he did. Instead he leaned in and said, "my wife would like you too."

Okay, now I am laughing about it, it IS pretty funny, but people approaching me in such an impolite way is hurtful. I have social phobia, which on some days makes me want to be invisible. I have just recently started to be brave enough to spend extra time on my appearance, something like this could easily be a setback for me.

I won't let it be a setback. Yes, being overweight with no makeup or hairstyle might have prevented this skeeze from inviting me "over" but it might also prevent a nice man from politely asking me to dinner. To shy away from all attention is not the solution for dealing with unkind people.

I also don't think it will be a setback for my sexism. His very rude touching and proposition contrasted with other men who have respectfully approached me shows me that yes, there ARE disgusting men out there, but not all men are disgusting, they may have tendancies but...ha ha just kidding.

I am thankful that I don't experience this alot. I realize that if I continue to spend time on my looks, especially if I lose weight, I might have to deal with it occasionally, but with the exception of one other rude man, most men have been at worst, childishly inappropriate, and at best, absolute gentlemen.

mood: mildly anxious (just got bad news)

Saturday, December 10, 2005

What just breezed through

This evening I sat on the couch watching "The Family Man." Tera watched the first half with me, and for the second half got ready to go out. The movie is about a man, who lives his life one way, and gets a "glimpse" of how it could be different, had he chose a different priority.

Tera went downstairs to let up with a flight attendant she met in training. I didn't love the idea of company, but I had it in me to make pleasantries, especially since I might have to see her at work. In walks a frosted blonde, in a long pink coat with a coach bag. How did I know it was coach? Do I know alot about handbags? No, the coach label was printed all over it.

Besides the quantity of pink and the awful print on the handbag, she looked nice, almost chic. I welcomed her with a sweet "hi", assuming it would be met with a "hi", and maybe the friendly chit-chat that feels required when a stranger enters your house for the first time. Instead I got a forced hello, I said something about the airline, but didn't bother to remember what the words of her response were, the message was clear however, "I need not bother".

I am not sure she ever looked at me. She hung out in Tera's room while she was getting ready, oh, except for when Tera was changing, she came out and stood in the doorway with a headset on, saying nothing. This was a good thing, I overheard her talking in Tera's room, about living at home and how much she hates the airline but doesn't know what else to do with her life. Her loud, nostrily regional accent made me really wish they would leave.

Prior to 2002, when I seriously contemplated suicide, my internal response to interactions like the one tonight was to say "I really need to change" I saw her type of behavior as acceptable, and would...yuck...try to be more like her. Having this girl in my house was almost like a parallel "glimpse" to the movie I was watching. If I had made the "choice" in 2002 to continue to behave in the way that I was, her treating me that way could have ruined my night, or worse, I could be like her.

As she left she opened the front door, stared out it, and said "nice to meet you" in the same tone of voice that someone says "I have to go to the dentist now." I responded "nice to meet you too" with the same facial expression I would make if I saw a person talking to themselves: surprised, mildly amused, but really wishing I didn't have to see it. She didn't see my expression, but Tera caught me, I didn't mean for her to see it, but I inclusively laughed when she met my eyes.

I am not as evolved as I would like to be. A more evolved person might see her as a target of compassion not ridicule. And, I have to admit, if she was an elegant mechanical engineer and stuck her nose up at me because I don't have a degree, I would probably slump down in my chair and say to myself "I really need to change" but, then again, in that department, maybe I do.

mood: tired (and excited for work tomorrow :) )

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Im 'a kill someone!

Some motherfucker just smoked in our fucking hallway!

We've got a hippie down the hall, I can handle his glaucoma medication

We've got a new-ager downstairs, I can handle her incense

But this motherfucker? I swear to god I want to kill him. He has already stunk up the 3rd floor by smoking in his house, but smoking in the hallway? Thats just fucking rude.

I posted signs.

mood: on a fucking rampage (I have a headache now)

I just got back from the beach club, I was with my trainer

Yeah, you heard me. I was at a fancy beach club, that you have to be a member at, working with a personal trainer. It was Carrie! She works at a fancy-pants beach club, so I got to pretend I was richy-pants. Guess what, she's good! Back when I had a little more cash I worked with 3 different trainers, Carrie is better than all of them! Thats a great feeling, to be able to tell your friend they are good at what they do, and mean it.

It's been a long day. I started out getting up early in the morning for an appointment with the psychiatrist. I used the internet to pick my bus, and it sent me somewhere really weird! I got of the bus and saw the building off in the distance, I had 15 minutes to get there so I ran on the side of the road, in street clothes, like a mad woman. A good samaritan offered me a ride, and I took it. Dangerous yes, but I got no bad vibes off of him (and I am sad to say, even if I did I might have taken the ride anyway!) I am glad I made it out alive :)

The appointment was tough. I have sensed that perhaps I am still depressed, even though I am doing really well. I am surviving, I am ABLE to live my life, but I don't enjoy life, it regularly feels like a chore. The tough thing about today is, I am a little unsure of where I should be. Life is full of suffering, life is a struggle, life is hard, thats why they say "thats life." I wonder, when comparing myself to my early persona if I have just grown up a bit.

I sort of sense it IS a bit more chemical, but just a bit. The psychiatrist agreed enough to raise the antidepressant. I am hopeful that it is a good choice, and that I am not turning to medication, hoping it will take away the stress of life.

And there is another difficult thing...If a person is vital and interesting and outgoing, why wouldn't they just continue to be that way? Why would they retreat into their house, and become quiet, asocial, and plain? I'm shy, I'm damn shy. I am CLINICALLY shy! (social phobia) When you have a personality that attracts people, well, you...attract people! When I am my healthiest self, people like me, and that frightens me. If they like me now, they will get to know me better and stop liking me. If they like me they will say stuff to me, and I will have to say stuff back. If people like me then they will want to hang out with me, and then I will have too many friends!

I know what you are thinking, "shut up!, poor Diana" but that stuff really freaks me out! I was thinking about my sense of style, I don't like to wear trendy or flashy things. I mostly like classic pieces, usually in neutral colors. My personality is the same, I don't want people to notice me, but if they do, I want them to like what they see.

It is going to take a lot of courage for me to come out of my depression and start letting myself be appealing and fun. I don't want to be something I'm not, but thats the point. This negative, cynical person doesn't feel completely authentic to me. My authentic personality seems more abnoxiously corny & bubbly if anything. In a way it seems like the depression is a defense mechanism to keep me from dealing with the "consequences" of being a pleasant human being. No wonder anxiety & depression are so closely linked.

One day at a time. I am promising myself not to take on anything new, (except for a condo purchace and planning for massage school) My life is as good as it needs to be. I have a job I like, a great apartment, great friends, volunteer work, and money left over at the end of the month. I have everything I need, the only thing that is wrong is my perception.

mood: good

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Ok Diana, I forgive you

As a way to move forward from my sick calls this week I decided to check if there was any open time. Sure, it might look a little suspicious that I am working voluntarily right after I claimed to be sick, but my pride means alot to me, and I thought at least doing a turn would help. There was no open time available, aw shucks, I am so disappointed.

Yesterday I made plans with the neighbor to go to the gym today. It was time to go and I wasn't ready, and I told him I would meet him there. I considered not going, but I decided this was the way I could make it up to myself for the sick calls. It took an hour, but I got there.

I had the nicest welcome when I arrived, I had some magazines to donate, and the cute South Asian trainer flirted with me! I realize that flirting with the fat girl is a great way to get personal training sessions, but whatever his motives are, I love it :)

Speaking of trainers, the bey-otch who wasted my time last week was there. I smiled and said "hi", she's done enough to make me not want to be there, I am not going to carry around a grudge on top of it. But I DID walk in with my head held high and did the workout that was appropriate to me! I told her that my goals were to combat depression, and to make the gym a refuge like it used to be. She presented a "presciption" that suggested less than a certian number of days a week, and less than 45 minutes cardio was a waste of time. Sure maybe those are the numbers that get you the best gains, but working out is never a waste of time! I did 20 easy minutes on a sortof bicycle that you use your arms to pedal, and 20 easy minutes on a step mill (real steps.) I will feel this tomorrow and I had a great time, I can't wait to go back, not only that, it improved my mood, my GOAL! I can see that the trainer had her script. Her goal was not to help me, but to sell training sessions. Her loss, because I was seriously considering a few. (BTW, my hunch was confirmed by Carrie, a personal trainer, who, by the way, is giving me a free session tomorrow :) YAY!)

mood: happy! motivated, ambitious

I'm sorry to say this...but it is funny

I really believe in religious tolerance, I am not mocking these people's religion, but laughing at the coincidence.

I am on blogexplosion right now, and I just was on a page with the goal of "Growing in Christ." What do I need to do to get away from this page? Click 666! LOL

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Muses

The last post got me thinking. Ever since I saw the film "Rent" and my cousin told me that Maureen reminded her of me my behavior has changed. I had forgotten that I wasn't always so mopey and tragic. I had alot of enthusiasm, I was very ambitious and adventurous. I was wild and energetic. People gravitated toward me (and remember- I didn't even have good social skills!)

I remembered that I used to be full of energy, I worked at a health club and would dance through the house, kicking my leg to the height of my head, just for the hell of it. Remembering that girl I was must have re-connected some neurons because not only has the rediculous random kick returned, but I find myself dropping everything when my favorite songs come on and dancing to them "Yeah! Thats my cut!"

If I was that woman before then I am that woman. That woman is in me and I want her back. Listening to the song "take me or leave me" brings me back to a surprisingly confident time in my life. I would imagine those words coming out of my mouth back in the day. Watching this character has inspired me, brought out the best in me, I think I have found a tool in regaining my health.

This isn't a new tool really. The person I am is an amalgam of people I have observed, everything about me comes from copying, copying, copying. When I saw a person who had "something about them" I would instinctively try to incorporate whatever it was into me. This does not make me fake, it was my instincts that chose the qualities, the people's roles were as muses, the qualities were in me, and observing them in others strengthened them. (and not all of these qualities were good, back in the day I was also vain, stuck up, and diva-ish)

I have decided to, on this blog, post about the people with that "je n'sais quoi," as muses to encourage and accelerate my return to my authentic self. I am inspired by Jay's "Friday Fuckfest" but I don't plan to be consistant with the format or occurance of them.

So naturally, Muse #1 will be Idina Menzel

Idina_Menzel_3

I love that this picture came up when I went to google images, I remember this, this picture was from some glamour-type magazine, it was to promote some new play called "Rent" and the article was about "how broadway stars stay in shape." I remember being transfixed by her face, it was so, well, weird looking. I had heard of her again when I found out she married Taye Diggs, and I had also heard she was in the play "Wicked."

I don't know much more about her, but I know enough to be inspired. I am inspired by her incredible "weird" beauty. I am sure there were two dozen fashion models in that magazine, but I don't have their faces imprinted in my mind. I know she can't inspire me to have beauty like that, only god and a person's parents could bless someone with such beauty , but I can be inspired that she shows that her different face makes her more beautiful, too many people see their uniqueness as flaws.

I am inspired by the character she plays in rent, Maureen, for her vitality. She is an artist, and is un-apologetically herself. The character is quite flawed, but I can be inspired by the good parts.

I am also inspired by all actors in musical theater...could there be a harder job? Singing and dancing, night after night, and, at the same time, having to act, entertain, and hopefully move the audience. I like how Idina played Maureen in the film, I imagine she was good in Rent and Wicked considering all of the accolades.

When I look at Idina Menzel I feel inspired. I feel inspired to be dedicated and excellent at my job. I feel inspired to be my vibrant quirky self, unafraid of the fact that I am different and that I attract attention. When I look at Idina Menzel I feel inspired to say "Take me baby or leave me!"

mood: inspired of course ;)

An Introvert

I don't think I have written enough about my roommate Tera. She is, oh my gosh, I don't think there could be a more perfect roommate. She is so marvelous, she is un-self-concious and fun, she is smart, she is moral, she is thoughtful, she is open minded, she is kind, she is responsible, and she is so similar to me that we seem to understand each other really well. I have, NUMEROUS times, said "WHAT THE HELL?- who is this person and how exactly did she arrive at my house? Was she born on earth?" She is just too good to be true. But even the most perfect individual to walk the earth has the ability to get on my nerves, because I am an introvert.

An introvert gets their energy from time alone, an extrovert gets their energy from being with other people. It shocks me to say this, but I tested as right in the middle between extrovert and introvert for years until a few months ago when I finally tested as an introvert. The theory behind the myers-briggs test is that your personality is there at birth, and you get closer and closer to it as you age (as social pressure becomes less important to you I think.) It makes me laugh to imagine myself as an extrovert, even though I have some extroverted tendancies, I see myself as a pretty solid introvert.

I have spent the day with Tera and I just don't want to speak anymore. I don't want to process sounds. I just want to exist in my own head. She is a marvelous individual, very enthusiastic, and I am getting internal cues that I should go off by myself, because I am going to respond to her enthusiam with a lack of enthusiasm, and I hate to dampen her spirits if there is no reason to.

So today I went off to my bedroom, and I realized- I have nothing fun to do! In college, when I wasn't getting good grades, I thought maybe I wasn't as they say "applying myself" maybe I needed to focus more. I made a decision that anything not related to school was "frivolous," I was about to say I only did fun things when I was with my friends, but I do notice I regularly have a habit of choosing to do "practical" things instead of having a good time with my friends.

With the exception of writing (which I see as beneficial to my health) I don't have fun things to do around my house! I look at myself as being such a slouch, such a mess, but when I look at the information now I can see I am too practical! I really don't let myself have ANY fun! Why, oh why is it I am always depressed? In the game "the sims" there is a little "fun" moniter. If the fun moniter gets too low the little sim character gets out of whack. This little sim is out of whack.

So right now I should have fun, right? What in god's name do I do thats fun? As I write this I realize that the things that used to be fun for me (pre-2002) are not now, and that is a symptom of depression. I think it's possible that I have continued to be depressed since 2002, maybe lately I haven't been in remission, maybe I have been depressed to a lesser degree. I have felt some lovely happiness, and I think that is because my depression has been much milder than it was (a miserable, miserable few years) but I don't think I can be considered in remission until I am back to being the creative, vivacious, nutjob I used to be (look at the character Maureen in "Rent"- that (minus the cheating) was me! Can you believe it? This mopey cynic?)

I decided I am worth $200 and made an appointment with the psychiatrist for this week. Yes, I have come out of the deeper depression I was feeling in October, but looking at the fireball I once was I know I may be surviving, but I am not thriving. If my goal is to avoid suicide I have to get more out of life than just the ability to get out of bed and participate in it, I have to also be able to enjoy it.

mood: maybe depressed? Hungry. Introverted. (upside- getting up to dance now :) )

Monday, December 05, 2005

FOUND IT!

My ID was crammed between the file cabnit and the wall. WOOH!

mood: relieved!

2 blessings, right when I need them

Artemesia and "The Bebe" pronounced "The BehBeh."

Myself and roomie Tara were at a friend's house the day before yesterday and I said "I want a kitty so bad!" I knew she wouldn't agree, because no-one wants the hassle of kittys. She told me her brother was getting rid of his cats (she lived there before here) I said I was willing but the way the conversation went it seemed she didn't want to, so I left it open.

Today she said "I miss my kitty saying "crrrrrrr crrrrrrr" and we started talking about it. She said he was taking them to a shelter. At that point I tried to convince her instead of just saying "I'm open to it." Her brother is bringing them tonight!

Nothing is better for me than a cat. They will cuddle with me give me unconditional love, and I can enjoy it, instead of what I do with my friends and family, dwell on my feeling of not being able to measure up.

Perfect timing

I have hit bottom

People, today I hit bottom.

I have been reduced, to a liar.

I feel so disgusted with myself, I feel ashamed, I feel defeated. I lied, and called in sick again.

Everything was going okay, I was excited to go! Then, I couldn't find my ID. I swear my house is not as messy as I whine about, with the exception of my knee-deep mess in my 7X8 foot bedroom, it's just a regular messy house that most of us have but don't show to the company. But I can't find my ID, and I figured I would get in less trouble to have been sick than to have misplaced my ID.

The day before yesterday my therapist helped identify one thing that triggers depressions in me. I had one in October because I was ashamed that I let myself be violated by someone when I didn't want it. I felt ashamed that I wasn't taking good enough care of myself to stand my ground. Today I feel ashamed that I am not taking good care of myself enough to be good at my job. I have been anxious before, I have been suicidally depressed before, but I still went to work. Today I didn't go to work, I feel like such a loser. I could REALLY send myself into a depression with this. I am going to have to be really vigilant with my self-talk, and I need to make a doctor's appointment. DAMN. I really wanted to wait for the 1st, because I will have flex-pay and my psychiatrist might be covered now so it wont cost $200. (whew!) But I have to do it. My health is worth more than $200. UHHHHHHHHH!

I am so angry right now, and I want to lash out at myself, I have no-one else to blame for it. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But I can't lash out, it won't make things better. I may have a medical condition, but that's no excuse. I can't let my medical condition run my life, It's MY life. I cant be an "anxious depressive" I am a person to LIVES WITH anxiety & depression. I think when you start letting it run your life (i.e. not going to work) it wins.

I have got to use this anger I have and use it for something productive. I cannot sit because all of these negative feelings will turn in on myself. And what if I am actually getting sick? I have had no appetite, I did throw up and I have a mild fever (98.9, hardly counts, but usually my temp is lower than 98.6) Nah, i just checked it again, it's 98.6

mood: Mad, Mad, Mad

Was I sick? Or just a drama queen?

Yesterday I threw up and called in sick, but I wasn't sure if I was actually sick, I thought that I might be suffering from a case of "stage fright" since I had been on vacation from flying for at least two weeks.

I decided that indeed I have stage fright. It's not easy standing in front of 50 people and reciting a memorized 3 minute speech. It's not easy telling complete strangers that they arent following a rule and to please follow it.

One of the things that is leading to this stage fright is the pride I have been taking in my appearance lately. Months ago, my last appointment with my therapist I sort of asked for permission to care about how I look. It feels really vain, really unimportant, and I feel (or used to feel) guilty about doing things to look good. In the end that is really silly. Even animals groom themselves, looking good is part of nature, you do what you can to send cues that you are a healthy and have good genes. I may have had problems with vanity in the past, but I was younger, and had much less self-worth. I have the self-esteem now that I can handle the attention and keep it in perspective.

Since my appearance has been a priority topic in my life lately, I had made the decision that I would start having a little fun with my "look." I mean, come on, I am a flight attendant, it's not a glamorous job, but it still has a little glamorous mystique left over from the "stewardess" days. I thought, "I get to wear a flight attendant uniform, why not wear the skirt or dress and have fun with it. I picture myself going for a 40's style vintage. So the day before I tried on the skirt and the dress, and I was horrified by what I saw. The skirt fit nice, but the jacket is so shapeless that you wouldn't know I have a waist. The dress was even worse. I looked in the mirror and felt like I was seeing a 55 year old lunch lady. It goes out at the bust and then hangs straight down, its hideous.

I never had issues with how I looked in the uniform before. I threw it on, left the house with wet hair, maybe some lipgloss, and I felt attractive enough. I am there to maintain safety, I can do that much better with the extra half hour of sleep I get form skipping the glam. If I were a low maintenence girl in my heart that would be okay, but I have been prissy since the day I was born, so if I say I am "low maintence" I am fooling myself.

I wasn't ready yesterday to face the plane feeling frumpy, and with all of the anxiety of not having worked for awhile. I forgive myself for it and I go in today with some enthusiasm (I missed it!) One thing is for sure though, when I get back I need to take a SERIOUS trip to the tailors!

mood: excited? wow.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

"What Love Looks Like" (Address checks and Recording Contracts to "Diana Crabtree")

When I read the words you write I don’t think your real
You melt my frozen heart and now I can feel
To know you is a privledge, I can’t believe it’s mine
I need to show you what my love looks like

I want to possess you, to have you as my own
But to have that I’d have to break up your home
I want your happiness more than just mine
I live without you, thats what love looks like

She’s there to take care of you, and I’m just too far
She’s the one who knew you then, and made you who you are
I like the after, but she loved the before
I love you like crazy, but she deserves you more

Each night I lay my head the feeling is stronger
My dreams of you and I get deeper and longer
It hurts to wake, again your not here today
But the kindest thing for me to do is stay away
You said to me “the one” you said for you she’s right
I’ll keep my distance, thats what love looks like

If the one that your with turned out not meant to be
If you were smart you would come running to me
I’d drive you crazy, but not just to fight
I'd show you baby, what love feels like
You'd know it baby, what love feels like

I’m not here waiting, I try to move on
'Cause I have the faith in that your love with her is strong
I cry and shake in pain, but that’s alright
I’ll do it for you, thats what love looks like
I live without you, thats what love looks like

mood: blessed!

Am I sick? or am I a Drama Queen?

This morning I threw up, so I called in sick. I was having a particularly difficult time getting ready for this trip and once I "got sick" I gave myself permission to say I'm sick. But frankly, I have no clue if I actually am!

This happened in march when I began my blog. I was home sick for a week, but the whole time I didn't believe it that I was. (I was) It's completely related to the anxiety & depression, I regularly feel spacy and lethargic, so when I am genuinely sick I just can't function, and when I am not sick I regularly feel like I am.

Here's one clue that I could genuinely be sick...I have had no appetite for 3 days! Me! No appetite! No such thing! Yesterday we made brownies, and they turned out really good (replace each cup of white flour with 3/4 cup whole wheat flour and add a tblsp of butter-yum!) I only ate 3. 3! If I can't eat a plate of brownies in one sitting, I am sick! LOL

On the other hand I have been quite the drama queen this morning, slouching in the shower, collapsing to the floor when I had to pick something up, and intensely sighing in 10 minute increments. I haven't worked in an airplane for at least two weeks, I could be experiencing a bit of "stage fright" (Thats drama queen language for social phobia)

All in all I already called in sick. I should enjoy this day as best I can. Right now I don't feel like enjoying it, I feel like going back to bed, that could be a sign that I am sick. But if I am not sick I need to use the day so I can get to work on time and organized tomorrow.

OH! I have to work for a living! My life is SOOOOOOO difficult! *falls limply into her chair*

mood: sick

Saturday, December 03, 2005

10,000 Hits

10,000 brief moments of proof that I exist.

4:01 PM
Thank you Racine, Wisconsin

I met George Bush!

Okay, I DREAMT I met George Bush

I saw him at a state fair and G.W.B. approached me. (in the same icky way the C.E.O. of my company did in real life, like he was doing me a favor by randomly asking me my name) I wasn't feeling good but I knew I had an opportunity here. I started by shaking his hand warmly so he would be disarmed. Then I told him, (with kindness in my voice) that he was only helping the upper class, and that that wasn't right.

He looked REALLY wounded. Like "how could you? I thought you liked me but instead you are one of the people who hates me" I walked with him for a minute (there was no secret service or anything) and tried to calm him down and repeat the message, I didn't want him to block out or ignore my message. After he was gone I, of course, bragged and bragged that I met him and "told him about himself"

I know reading someone else's dream isn't interesting, but your own dreams are so interesting! What an insight to how you think! It shocks me that I would think that George Bush could be moved emotionally. And it shows that I think he has feelings (the defensive way he acted) It's pretty freaky to imagine that the power-brokers of the world ARE human and actually have emotions. But, money does have it's way with people, and cheny is proof that their hearts don't fare well when it does.

mood: sad (but not depressed)

Friday, December 02, 2005

God bless Art.

Buddhism teaches to feel what you are feeling at the moment. Not to cling to happy feelings and not to fight away painful feelings. In the day I am accepting happiness, in the evenings I am having to accept pain.

Maybe it wasn't as my therapist put it a "spontaneous recovery" that pulled me out my depression. Maybe it was art. God bless art.

Tonight I had a cry. A soul cry. My roommate calls this type of cry an "ugly cry." I cried harder than I have cried since receiving a letter from my grandfather about his wishes for his death. I cried like this thanks to art. God bless art.

I was upset, and instead of trying to run away from it, to cheer myself up, I made an effort to really feel it. I, like I have the last few nights confronted my feelings "embraced my suffering" And god bless art...

I broke down at this dialogue in the theater soundtrack of "Rent"
------------------------------------------
Roger:
But who, Mark, are you?
"Mark has got his work"
they say "Mark is in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work

Mark: But from what?

Roger:
From facing your failure, facing your lonliness
Facing the fact that you live a lie,
yes, you live a lie- tell you why

Your always preaching not to
be numb
when it's you that thrive
you pretend to create and observe

when you really detach from feeling alive

Mark: Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive
---------------------------------------------

This scene was left out of the film, which is a shame in my opinion. One way or another, god bless art. The deceased Jonathan Larson was able to take every thing that has made me who I am, he created a story that touches on everything that defines the person I am. He reached in, touched my heart, and was able to melt tears that have been a frozen block in me for years.

Thank you Johnathan Larson. I wish I could write you a letter in heaven. Thank you for understanding me, thank you for understanding and speaking to my generation. Thank you for your immortal wisdom:

Theres only us
Theres only this
Forget regret or life is yours to miss

I can't control
My Destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
Is just be

Theres only now
theres only here
give in to love
or live in fear

no other path
no other way
no day but today

mood: understood

God I'm Insane!

When I feel happy like this I always think that something is wrong. I assume I must have bi-polar disorder, because happiness feels so weird. (I even had it checked out)

I think the best part of therapy is having a mental health professional say "snap out of it woman- you arent mentally ill- the craziest thing about you is you think your crazy" (paraphrased)

mood: like a lunatic

P.S. I DO NOT consider people with Bi-polar disorder crazy- I mention the diagnosis becuse I assume thats the only reason I could feel happiness- geez I'm nuts!

An inventory

Ahhhhhhh

I got back and hour or so ago from the first therapists appointment I have had in probably 2 months. My work schedule was messed up and my phone number was inaccurate in Dr. T's database so things didn't match up well. But I am fortunate that I get 3 appointments this month :)

I was pleased to see her with good news. I got depressed but managed to come out of it. She called that "spontaneous recovery" and pointed out that my depressions are seeming to be related to feelings. I felt shame from my dating disaster at the beginning of october, and that shame and lack of faith in my ability to care for myself triggered the depression.

I discussed with her the last post I wrote about why I feel like even my run-of-the-mill stresses couldn't be understood by others, and she validated my read on it. She sees the same "narcissism" in her deaf clients. When in your developing years you can't be understood, you turn inward. I was happy to have some understanding about it, and I think it was important that I see how it ties into my not taking care of my needs (I feel guilty for focusing on myself, and so in trying to focus on myself less I don't focus on myself enough, and I leave myself open to people who take advantage of it)

I have had an opportunity in the last couple of days to do an inventory on how I am doing. What I found was empowering. I can see alot wrong with me, but the things that are wrong are sort of clear cut and understandable, which means they can be fixed. The things that I found were right about me made me proud.

One of the things wrong is the "mal-adaptive narcissism" (maladaptive behaviors are survival techniques learned in formative years that are no longer beneficial) this belief that no-one could possibly understand the anguish I feel leaves me feeling lonely and defective. I am not alone, I have marvelous friends and family, and I am not defective, in fact, I am quite healthy, healthier than many people who do not struggle with depression and anxiety disorders. This maladaptive behavior is also disruptive to my life because it hurts my friend's feelings, much of the time I would rather clean my house than socialize, the thinking being "I am a person who has a hard time keeping up with things, no-one could understand becuase they aren't screwed up like me." Almost everyone has a hard time keeping up with housework and bills, I need to undo that thinking style because it gets in my way.

Another thing I noticed that REALLY gets in my way is that I don't accept that I am attractive. I realize that this is an affliction of nearly every American woman but it really needs to stop. I got pretty lucky in the looks department, my body is proportioned so even when I am overweight (which I am now) it is distributed in a way that makes me look 20 pounds lighter than I am. I am pretty fortunate that way, yet I tell myself that I look repulsive. This isn't even completely about weight, if I never lose another pound I am still quite attractive. I have no excuse to behave like I do.

I think it all adds up to be a defense mechanism. Tell yourself you are repulsive then what's the point in making an effort? If you are repulsive you will be repulsive and well groomed so why put in the work of wearing makeup in the first place? If you are repulsive no one will want to cheat on you, take advantage of you, sexually assault you, fall in love with you and then die, anything. If you are repulsively ugly you are safe from all of the danger that trusting men can lead to.

It is time for me to not only accept that I am beautiful but be proud of it. It is time for me to accept it as a blessing. It is time for me to embrace the power that beauty affords. It is time for me to trust myself that I can keep myself safe from predators, and that I can be strong enough to accept that people you love, like all things in life, are impermanent, but it is still worthwile to have it.

Another behavior that gets in my way is another mal-adaptive behavior, there is names for it (transactional analysis?) but it is how you interact with people. When my mom died, stepmother left and then dad stopped interacting with me I needed someone to raise me, so I turned to the world. I observed how people operated and learned to raised myself by modeling myself after those I saw as being successful. (Oprah was one of them, Madonna, sadly, was another LOL.) This skill is a big part of why I ended up the way I am instead of drug addicted or pregnant, but since it was so sucsessful I am still a little stuck in "Child to Adult" interactions. I still, at times see myself as knowing nothing and others as having things figured out.

It is obvious why this causes problems. For one, it sets me up for abusive relationships, (what my experience with marshmallow cock was/would become) If you interact as child to adult you leave yourself open for others to describe your reality, and take advantage of you.

It usually causes the problem of feeling let down. I think of one of my managers most of all in this situation. When you look to equals as role models in the child to adult way they rarely measure up. You feel failed and helpless If you look to equals as adult to adult you can take the good and reject the bad. In my life I need to notice in what way I am interacting. (Its possible that I interact adult to child with some adults, that isn't benificial either)

During this inventory I found alot I was proud of. I am proud to say I am quite an ethical person. I have work to do on what companies I spend my money on, but all in all I have a strong moral compass, and I think, even though I make mistakes, I do a pretty good job.

I am also proud of my compassion. Buddhism teaches that compassion is one of the keys to a happy life, and I overflow with compassion. I have such a gift of empathy that it hurts, physically at times when I know someone is in pain. I am proud to know that I was given a gift like that. Some people were given the gift of singing (I was given that too lucky me) I love that I was given the gift of strong compassion, becuase it can be so helpful to the world.

I should probably write long posts boldly celebrating my good qualities and gifts. I think it would be really helpful to me since I have the self-esteem problems that I do. I can't bring myself to do it because it sounds so arrogant to me, but at least I the ability now to do it in my head :)

This week I recieved news that I have reacted to with periods of extreme pain. (Pain so bad I was able to use it to clean my kitchen!) I am so happy to say that not only am I coping, but I am successfully transforming it. The next day not only did I have a clean kitchen, but I felt better than I had felt literally in years. I felt like my old self, overflowing with vitality. Pain is unpleasant, but its also an opportunity. I think I have learned the skills to turn pain into opportunity from therapy & Buddhism, and I have had the strength to do it thanks to this blog, and the wonderful people I have supporting me in my life.

This week I got to take an inventory of myself, and I liked what I found. It's good that I found negative things too, because they are highlighted so I can work on them. his week I was blessed with an abundance of new knowledge, and, with a clean kitchen.

mood: blessed, optimistic

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Insight

My therapist told me that the personality continues to be formed mostly until around 9-10 (and continues to after the fact) When I was nine I was reeling from the death of my mother. At 11-12 I was reeling from the loss of my stepmother and father.

My identity/personality developed around tragedy, thats why heartbreaks feel like normal to me and happiness or contentment feels like abnormal.

It also explains why I see my heartbreaks that are universal, that everyone experiences, as only ever happening to me. At the time my mom died I was the only one I knew without a mom, and when my stepmom left and my dad stopped interacting with me I was the only one I knew who had just begun recovering from a parent's death and then was hit with a parent's alcoholism at this level. I had learned, at an age that I didn't know any better, that I was the only one who knew pain at this level. I hadn't met anyone who could begin to understand. It makes sense that now, when I am overwhelmed with my bills or my job, that I think no-one else in the world could begin to imagine how bad it feels.

The key for me is I am going to have to un-learn or combat these two erroneous mindsets. Agony is not how life feels like most of the time yet suffering occurs, and I am not the only one who understands suffering, everyone suffers and many suffer worse than I do/have.

mood: suffering/clear-headed/optimistic