Friday, December 02, 2005

God bless Art.

Buddhism teaches to feel what you are feeling at the moment. Not to cling to happy feelings and not to fight away painful feelings. In the day I am accepting happiness, in the evenings I am having to accept pain.

Maybe it wasn't as my therapist put it a "spontaneous recovery" that pulled me out my depression. Maybe it was art. God bless art.

Tonight I had a cry. A soul cry. My roommate calls this type of cry an "ugly cry." I cried harder than I have cried since receiving a letter from my grandfather about his wishes for his death. I cried like this thanks to art. God bless art.

I was upset, and instead of trying to run away from it, to cheer myself up, I made an effort to really feel it. I, like I have the last few nights confronted my feelings "embraced my suffering" And god bless art...

I broke down at this dialogue in the theater soundtrack of "Rent"
But who, Mark, are you?
"Mark has got his work"
they say "Mark is in love with his work"
Mark hides in his work

Mark: But from what?

From facing your failure, facing your lonliness
Facing the fact that you live a lie,
yes, you live a lie- tell you why

Your always preaching not to
be numb
when it's you that thrive
you pretend to create and observe

when you really detach from feeling alive

Mark: Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive

This scene was left out of the film, which is a shame in my opinion. One way or another, god bless art. The deceased Jonathan Larson was able to take every thing that has made me who I am, he created a story that touches on everything that defines the person I am. He reached in, touched my heart, and was able to melt tears that have been a frozen block in me for years.

Thank you Johnathan Larson. I wish I could write you a letter in heaven. Thank you for understanding me, thank you for understanding and speaking to my generation. Thank you for your immortal wisdom:

Theres only us
Theres only this
Forget regret or life is yours to miss

I can't control
My Destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
Is just be

Theres only now
theres only here
give in to love
or live in fear

no other path
no other way
no day but today

mood: understood

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