Yesterday I threw up and called in sick, but I wasn't sure if I was actually sick, I thought that I might be suffering from a case of "stage fright" since I had been on vacation from flying for at least two weeks.
I decided that indeed I have stage fright. It's not easy standing in front of 50 people and reciting a memorized 3 minute speech. It's not easy telling complete strangers that they arent following a rule and to please follow it.
One of the things that is leading to this stage fright is the pride I have been taking in my appearance lately. Months ago, my last appointment with my therapist I sort of asked for permission to care about how I look. It feels really vain, really unimportant, and I feel (or used to feel) guilty about doing things to look good. In the end that is really silly. Even animals groom themselves, looking good is part of nature, you do what you can to send cues that you are a healthy and have good genes. I may have had problems with vanity in the past, but I was younger, and had much less self-worth. I have the self-esteem now that I can handle the attention and keep it in perspective.
Since my appearance has been a priority topic in my life lately, I had made the decision that I would start having a little fun with my "look." I mean, come on, I am a flight attendant, it's not a glamorous job, but it still has a little glamorous mystique left over from the "stewardess" days. I thought, "I get to wear a flight attendant uniform, why not wear the skirt or dress and have fun with it. I picture myself going for a 40's style vintage. So the day before I tried on the skirt and the dress, and I was horrified by what I saw. The skirt fit nice, but the jacket is so shapeless that you wouldn't know I have a waist. The dress was even worse. I looked in the mirror and felt like I was seeing a 55 year old lunch lady. It goes out at the bust and then hangs straight down, its hideous.
I never had issues with how I looked in the uniform before. I threw it on, left the house with wet hair, maybe some lipgloss, and I felt attractive enough. I am there to maintain safety, I can do that much better with the extra half hour of sleep I get form skipping the glam. If I were a low maintenence girl in my heart that would be okay, but I have been prissy since the day I was born, so if I say I am "low maintence" I am fooling myself.
I wasn't ready yesterday to face the plane feeling frumpy, and with all of the anxiety of not having worked for awhile. I forgive myself for it and I go in today with some enthusiasm (I missed it!) One thing is for sure though, when I get back I need to take a SERIOUS trip to the tailors!
mood: excited? wow.