Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Sex free (by CHOICE)

A few weeks ago I had mentioned to my therapist that maybe what I need to do to get the icky marshmallow cock experience out of my system is to have sex again to remember how much I love it. She laughed at me! She said it would be moving backwards. She said I use sex differently than most people, I use it to be distantly intimate with someone, instead of to be closer to someone. I know I have made a lot of progress, I definately don't want to move backwards. So I have decided to not have sex unless it's with a boyfriend.

The other day I thought it would be fun to figure out how many men I had been with. I think most people keep a running total, but I didn't want to do that because I felt like it cheapened sex. I did a lot of reminicing as I tried to remember the people, their last names, and the circumstances. As I thought about them I grinned wickedly to myself, thinking "Oh yeah! That was crazy! Oh yeah! That was awesome!" and I reminded myself of the cheezy guys at dance clubs. Keeping a running total couldn't cheapen sex and men as much as my attitude. I could see very clearly that in that time in my life men were conquests.

You see this a lot. Mysogynists sleep with tons of women. Women are objects. Something beautiful like sex becomes an act of coldly dehumanizing someone. I was the same. I looked at men as things you collect, not people you spend time with. I used them. Many of them used me too, which just solidified in my mind that I was doing nothing wrong. Not all of them were using me, I am sure I have hurt a few of them, and again thought that I was doing nothing wrong because I thought "these are the rules men get to play by, so I will play by them too."

My therapist says that now that I know the reasons I have sex with people without the goal of being closer to them, it won't work anymore. I think she's right. I have contemplated it, but realized that I don't want to deal with the weird politics of it. I want to finish, and then unself-conciously be really sweet and happy, not have to work really hard to remind myself "you don't like him, it was just sex." If I no longer want to use sex as a way to take as much from mankind as they take from womankind, then there is nothing left to make sex outside of a relationship worth it.

If I was born with a disorder that I grew a ZZ Top style beard every night in my sleep, It would be very easy for me to say "I am not going to have anymore sex, until I am in a relationship." because I imagine that I wouldn't have many tests of my commitment. I had wondered how strong my commitment was, but last night I found out I am going to be able to do it!

I was at a hotel bar with computers in it during a layover. I bought a beer but had my face buried in the computer, so it wasn't like I looked like I was on the make. A good looking man with a great body sat at the computer next to me and we started talking. I could tell pretty soon that he thought he might get lucky, we were making fun of some ladies in the bar talking loudly about their kids. I mentioned that it's cute to see kids do cute stuff, not to hear about it. Prince charming says to me "I don't have any kids, I like practicing making them but I'm putting them on layaway" I laughed politely, basically acting like I didn't hear his dumb innuendo and he decided to say it again. He also tried to say some dumb seductive thing, and give me the "alluring eyes."

Now I know what you are thinking, "He sounds very easy to turn down" but you see, guys like this are perfect. You feel no guilt for using them, you know your going to get some by just "wanna?" and there is MUCH less risk of developing a crush. he was the PERFECT mark, and I was not interested.

Last night I got the privledge to learn two things about myself. One, that I have changed, and I don't have to worry that I am going to revert back if I lose weight and get a lot more opportunities. And two, that I. Still. Got. It. ;)

mood: happy, a little anxious


Bob Hoeppner said...

"Distantly intimate": that's an interesting concept to contemplate. My last girlfriend wouldn't show me her poetry, so were we intimate? Well, maybe... distantly.

Diana Crabtree said...

After a line like "distantly intimate" I'm not sounding so poetic am I? LOL