Monday, December 05, 2005

I have hit bottom

People, today I hit bottom.

I have been reduced, to a liar.

I feel so disgusted with myself, I feel ashamed, I feel defeated. I lied, and called in sick again.

Everything was going okay, I was excited to go! Then, I couldn't find my ID. I swear my house is not as messy as I whine about, with the exception of my knee-deep mess in my 7X8 foot bedroom, it's just a regular messy house that most of us have but don't show to the company. But I can't find my ID, and I figured I would get in less trouble to have been sick than to have misplaced my ID.

The day before yesterday my therapist helped identify one thing that triggers depressions in me. I had one in October because I was ashamed that I let myself be violated by someone when I didn't want it. I felt ashamed that I wasn't taking good enough care of myself to stand my ground. Today I feel ashamed that I am not taking good care of myself enough to be good at my job. I have been anxious before, I have been suicidally depressed before, but I still went to work. Today I didn't go to work, I feel like such a loser. I could REALLY send myself into a depression with this. I am going to have to be really vigilant with my self-talk, and I need to make a doctor's appointment. DAMN. I really wanted to wait for the 1st, because I will have flex-pay and my psychiatrist might be covered now so it wont cost $200. (whew!) But I have to do it. My health is worth more than $200. UHHHHHHHHH!

I am so angry right now, and I want to lash out at myself, I have no-one else to blame for it. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! But I can't lash out, it won't make things better. I may have a medical condition, but that's no excuse. I can't let my medical condition run my life, It's MY life. I cant be an "anxious depressive" I am a person to LIVES WITH anxiety & depression. I think when you start letting it run your life (i.e. not going to work) it wins.

I have got to use this anger I have and use it for something productive. I cannot sit because all of these negative feelings will turn in on myself. And what if I am actually getting sick? I have had no appetite, I did throw up and I have a mild fever (98.9, hardly counts, but usually my temp is lower than 98.6) Nah, i just checked it again, it's 98.6

mood: Mad, Mad, Mad

1 comment:

ariadneK, Ph.D. said...

My GOD...this entire post sounds about like ME right now, except that I have missed multiple days of work over the past month: some days I just wake up and literally cannot get out of bed mentally, so I sleep in until around 3:00 or 4:00pm; well, not exactly "sleeping" I suppose, but more like just lying there and zoning out. It's been kind of scary: I've never been this depressed before (and DEFINITELY not to the point of way affecting work), but it's gotta let up at some point or I'll definitely go 1000% mad.