I am sad to have lost the long post I wrote. I will try to summarize it.
I have been on a higher anti-depressant level for a week now, and today I laugh naturally, not just in response to cues that I should. I woke up this morning and instead of feeling like I was to live out another day of a sentence, I felt like "okay, time to get up now." This week I wore makeup, a skirt, and I even...IRONED!!!
This is not the end of my journey, I haven't crossed the finish line. I have a lot of work to do to live the life that I want. And it wont be all downhill from here either. This afternoon, with this new increased brain activity, I got overwhelmed thinking about the things that I could accomplish today now that I have more energy. I thought myself into the paralysis that brought me to therapy in the first place. It will take a lot of hard work to learn how to rein in and focus my energy, not just the work that it takes to build a life for myself.
I haven't gotten much done today, but I am not beating myself up for it. One thing I did do is tell Tera that I only said I wanted to do the business to make her happy. She took it very well and I was proud that I was able to recognize what I was doing, and chose to be assertive about it.
I am going to try to get some things done now, (with frequent computer breaks, of course) My hope is that my increased energy, once channeled, can be transformed from anxious energy into constructive energy.