Thursday, December 08, 2005

I just got back from the beach club, I was with my trainer

Yeah, you heard me. I was at a fancy beach club, that you have to be a member at, working with a personal trainer. It was Carrie! She works at a fancy-pants beach club, so I got to pretend I was richy-pants. Guess what, she's good! Back when I had a little more cash I worked with 3 different trainers, Carrie is better than all of them! Thats a great feeling, to be able to tell your friend they are good at what they do, and mean it.

It's been a long day. I started out getting up early in the morning for an appointment with the psychiatrist. I used the internet to pick my bus, and it sent me somewhere really weird! I got of the bus and saw the building off in the distance, I had 15 minutes to get there so I ran on the side of the road, in street clothes, like a mad woman. A good samaritan offered me a ride, and I took it. Dangerous yes, but I got no bad vibes off of him (and I am sad to say, even if I did I might have taken the ride anyway!) I am glad I made it out alive :)

The appointment was tough. I have sensed that perhaps I am still depressed, even though I am doing really well. I am surviving, I am ABLE to live my life, but I don't enjoy life, it regularly feels like a chore. The tough thing about today is, I am a little unsure of where I should be. Life is full of suffering, life is a struggle, life is hard, thats why they say "thats life." I wonder, when comparing myself to my early persona if I have just grown up a bit.

I sort of sense it IS a bit more chemical, but just a bit. The psychiatrist agreed enough to raise the antidepressant. I am hopeful that it is a good choice, and that I am not turning to medication, hoping it will take away the stress of life.

And there is another difficult thing...If a person is vital and interesting and outgoing, why wouldn't they just continue to be that way? Why would they retreat into their house, and become quiet, asocial, and plain? I'm shy, I'm damn shy. I am CLINICALLY shy! (social phobia) When you have a personality that attracts people, well, you...attract people! When I am my healthiest self, people like me, and that frightens me. If they like me now, they will get to know me better and stop liking me. If they like me they will say stuff to me, and I will have to say stuff back. If people like me then they will want to hang out with me, and then I will have too many friends!

I know what you are thinking, "shut up!, poor Diana" but that stuff really freaks me out! I was thinking about my sense of style, I don't like to wear trendy or flashy things. I mostly like classic pieces, usually in neutral colors. My personality is the same, I don't want people to notice me, but if they do, I want them to like what they see.

It is going to take a lot of courage for me to come out of my depression and start letting myself be appealing and fun. I don't want to be something I'm not, but thats the point. This negative, cynical person doesn't feel completely authentic to me. My authentic personality seems more abnoxiously corny & bubbly if anything. In a way it seems like the depression is a defense mechanism to keep me from dealing with the "consequences" of being a pleasant human being. No wonder anxiety & depression are so closely linked.

One day at a time. I am promising myself not to take on anything new, (except for a condo purchace and planning for massage school) My life is as good as it needs to be. I have a job I like, a great apartment, great friends, volunteer work, and money left over at the end of the month. I have everything I need, the only thing that is wrong is my perception.

mood: good


Rich said...

"If they like me now, they will get to know me better and stop liking me."

Sorry?! When does this happen?! I just want to be ready for it when it hits : )

Diana Crabtree said...

This usually happens after 76,341 minutes and 42 seconds of knowing me. Be ready!