Tuesday, December 06, 2005

An Introvert

I don't think I have written enough about my roommate Tera. She is, oh my gosh, I don't think there could be a more perfect roommate. She is so marvelous, she is un-self-concious and fun, she is smart, she is moral, she is thoughtful, she is open minded, she is kind, she is responsible, and she is so similar to me that we seem to understand each other really well. I have, NUMEROUS times, said "WHAT THE HELL?- who is this person and how exactly did she arrive at my house? Was she born on earth?" She is just too good to be true. But even the most perfect individual to walk the earth has the ability to get on my nerves, because I am an introvert.

An introvert gets their energy from time alone, an extrovert gets their energy from being with other people. It shocks me to say this, but I tested as right in the middle between extrovert and introvert for years until a few months ago when I finally tested as an introvert. The theory behind the myers-briggs test is that your personality is there at birth, and you get closer and closer to it as you age (as social pressure becomes less important to you I think.) It makes me laugh to imagine myself as an extrovert, even though I have some extroverted tendancies, I see myself as a pretty solid introvert.

I have spent the day with Tera and I just don't want to speak anymore. I don't want to process sounds. I just want to exist in my own head. She is a marvelous individual, very enthusiastic, and I am getting internal cues that I should go off by myself, because I am going to respond to her enthusiam with a lack of enthusiasm, and I hate to dampen her spirits if there is no reason to.

So today I went off to my bedroom, and I realized- I have nothing fun to do! In college, when I wasn't getting good grades, I thought maybe I wasn't as they say "applying myself" maybe I needed to focus more. I made a decision that anything not related to school was "frivolous," I was about to say I only did fun things when I was with my friends, but I do notice I regularly have a habit of choosing to do "practical" things instead of having a good time with my friends.

With the exception of writing (which I see as beneficial to my health) I don't have fun things to do around my house! I look at myself as being such a slouch, such a mess, but when I look at the information now I can see I am too practical! I really don't let myself have ANY fun! Why, oh why is it I am always depressed? In the game "the sims" there is a little "fun" moniter. If the fun moniter gets too low the little sim character gets out of whack. This little sim is out of whack.

So right now I should have fun, right? What in god's name do I do thats fun? As I write this I realize that the things that used to be fun for me (pre-2002) are not now, and that is a symptom of depression. I think it's possible that I have continued to be depressed since 2002, maybe lately I haven't been in remission, maybe I have been depressed to a lesser degree. I have felt some lovely happiness, and I think that is because my depression has been much milder than it was (a miserable, miserable few years) but I don't think I can be considered in remission until I am back to being the creative, vivacious, nutjob I used to be (look at the character Maureen in "Rent"- that (minus the cheating) was me! Can you believe it? This mopey cynic?)

I decided I am worth $200 and made an appointment with the psychiatrist for this week. Yes, I have come out of the deeper depression I was feeling in October, but looking at the fireball I once was I know I may be surviving, but I am not thriving. If my goal is to avoid suicide I have to get more out of life than just the ability to get out of bed and participate in it, I have to also be able to enjoy it.

mood: maybe depressed? Hungry. Introverted. (upside- getting up to dance now :) )

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