Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Tomorrow is going to suck!!!

I fly with Lorraine's boyfriend tomorrow. I am really dreading it. We will have 2 days of flying. I am the only person with my name at our company (yet we have 2 Synovias) how can he not bring her up? I don't want to be distant from them, because I want to be myself. What the heck am I going to say? I am sure she has brought me up, considering she has NOTHING in the world to talk about but him, so she will have to talk to him about something else.

I have to make it VERY CLEAR that this woman is NOT my friend! (She has called again at least twice since I told her we have nothing to talk about) If he brings her up I must make it clear that I do not want anything to do with her, because even neutrality will appear as a positive signal to this woman. After comparing stories with Kareem he said he was "pretty sure that she is evil" I am feeling that way right now. I still have to be diplomatic though. I made the AWFUL mistake in recurrent training of naming names when asking how to deal with certain pilots. (I did it because I wanted someone else to say they have had the same experience, but no matter the motives, it was a shitty thing to do.)

The good news is I think I know the captain. He is a really nice (and a little wierd) guy who has a toy lemur that he brings on all of the flights. Its name is Miles (get it, miles?) My strategy is to introduce myself and right away start talking to the Capn. This way the F/O can think of something else but Lorraine, and hopefully she wont come up in conversation. Ahh! I will bring my art homework (which I really have to do anyway) and use that as a conversation topic and an excuse to not hang out. If he does bring her up I will have to make my point firmly, but try not to sound catty. If he presses the issue I will plead the "If you don't have anything nice to say..."

I must count my blessings. Only a month ago I might still have been walking on eggshells, trying to say it "just right." At this point I don't care. She does have a little dirt on me. I have said nasty things about the pilot she said didn't like me. I am sure she will go back to him and tell him everything I said. There are no depths that I think this women is incapable of. Maybe she will start a rumor that I was in love with her and wouldnt stop calling her house. Oh well, I suppose it could be worse. Maybe it will get me a date with one of the flight attendants ;)

mood: bitchy

This is the best fucking CD in the fucking universe

I freaked out


Yesterday and this morning I just freaked out. Last night I had crazy mood swings and today I had to go back to bed, I didn't feel depressed, in fact I felt fine, I just couldn't deal with what is ahead of me.This is something that happens to me, but hasn't for awhile, I think it is a throwback to the instinct we have as infants, that we fall asleep if we are over-stimulated. I have been SO happy to start feeling happiness again that I forgot the behaviors that got me here. I also forgot that when you start feeling feelings again, happiness is not the only emotion you will feel.

I have not been depressed my whole life. I have had anxiety and social phobia my whole life, but the depression started when I was nine and my mom died. In between my long depressions I would have periods of a few months of not just non-depression but glee. I have discussed this with my doctors, no-one has thought I have bi-polar disorder, but there is a definate cyclical thing going on. Dr. T used some cool long word to describe it. I will edit it in later. She brought this up when I explained I that during my non-depressed periods I am not manic, as someone with a bi-polar disorder is, I am just REALLY happy to finally be happy!

During my non-depressed periods life is so cool. It feels like tons of people like me and want to hang out with me. I have the energy to get things done, and the social phobia is reduced so I get to do my favorite social things comfortably, like DANCING (an anti-depressant in itself) Every time I would get out of a depression I was so glad to be alive again! I wanted to do all of the things I had missed. In high school and college I would join a bunch of activities, not to mention the new activities of hanging out with the new friends I had just made! I was so happy to feel human again that I wanted to do all the living I could!

Not surprisingly, I wore myself out. I am half extrovert and half introvert, during these times of energy I was only attending to the extrovert side of me, putting no time aside to be alone. For that matter, I wasn't good at managing time at all. I signed up for too much, hung out with too many people, and had too many plans for the amount of hours in a day. I would effectively balance this busy life for a couple of months, but the pressure would become too much. I would start to get tired, and feel like a failure because I couldn't keep this life going.

I make fun of myself and my navel-gazing but I do think it is part of my success in dealing with my health problems. If you pay attention and recognize patterns you can see what needs to be changed. Some patterns I need to break that are punctuated during my non-depressed periods are respecting and tending to both the extrovert and introvert parts of me, coping with (not ignoring) problems, and realistic expectations!

I expected too much yesterday and this morning. My house is messy. My room is a disaster (has been most of my life, partly depression/anxiety partly learned behavior) and I have other non-cleaning things to get done. My new improved mood makes me wants to take action a better life for myself, but I made the mistake of overwhelming myself by thinking about everything at once! it is a good thing that I have more energy, but I need to keep realistic expectations on how much I can accomplish with this energy.

I think what also happened to me yesterday and this morning was I got overwhelmed by my new, more healthy brain activity. Depression is as physical as it is mental. A good friend asked me advice on dealing with a sister-in-law who wouldn't get out of bed. She said "I just get so pissed off! I don't wan't to get out of bed in the morning either but I do because thats life!" To anyone dealing with a depressed person, there is a physical thing going on in the nervous system. The signals are not being effectively passed from one neuron to the next. This makes all nervous activity difficult, not just thinking, also moving! Watch a depressed person, sometimes they move slower. I remember when I was severely depressed trying to lift my arm. It was as if my arm was 100 pounds! The will and energy it took to lift my arm was the will and energy it would take a person with normal brain activity to lift a very heavy weight.

Lately my nervous activity has improved (my depression is lifting.) I have a lot of memories coming back, some good, some random and neutral, some bad. If you have had a life of loss and worry and your feelings shut down what feelings and thoughts will come back when the nervous system starts working again? Happy ones like puppies and sunflowers? Maybe, but the other feelings will come too. Yesterday I got hit a little hard with emotions of anger, grief and sorrow. I think finally feeling these feelings is a good thing, they just surprised me yesterday.

All in all I am proud of myself on how I coped yesterday. My moods were out of control, but I kept my thinking under control. This road to recovery is not going to be easy. It is going to hurt alot because I am going to have to finally feel the feelings of what has happened in my life. Happiness is a wonderful thing, but constant happiness is not a realistic expectation, it is an ideal advertizers use to sell us stuff. The film Garden State illustrates this beautifully. I have learned something from the unpleasant experience I had yesterday and this morning. I am not disappointed that I felt unpleasant feelings. Unpleasant feelings are healthy reactions to unpleasent things. The big thing I am going to have to change about myself is accepting this, and coping in a healthy way with these feelings when they come, not running away from them.

Thank you universe for giving me back my feelings...the bad ones too.

mood: calm, accomplished

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Mood Swangin

This morning was just great. I put on Dee-lite, sang out loud and danced like a drag queen.

Why so happy? In writing a post earlier this morning I discovered a big challenge that I have, which increased my excitement for the future even more! I danced around, did some housework, surfed a bit, and had a relatively pleasant afternoon. I felt like "This is the best I have felt in 3 years" I was so happy to finally be happy.

Every rollercoaster begins with a steady rise to the top. You reach the peak and stop for a moment, and you see a beautiful view. You have the whole world at your feet. Then the ride begins.

I felt like since I am happy and energetic now, I can finally get things done. My goals? Clean the house, do the dishes & laundry, file the box of papers, get my taxes done, research my tour at the museum, get my uniform altered, call my friends, backup the weblog, workout, and take out the garbage. After that was done I could rent a few movies. These weren't literally my goals but (as I VERY OFTEN want to do) I wanted to at least get the house cleaned before my roommate Emma got home.

What did I get done? I stripped my bed and did a load of dishes. I started to feel tired, like REALLY heavy, and so I put in a movie and sat down. I couldn't focus on the movie, (perhaps it wasn't very good) and so I figured since I was getting healthyer now I am getting bored of being indoors so I brought out my beloved bike.

My bike is my baby, I love her more than I love...lots of stuff. I was so pleased to be out riding that I pedaled nearly the entire time, with little coasting, even though it was my first time on since last fall. The ride lasted a half hour or so and felt wonderful. When I got home I went to blockbuster to swap movies and I had a dizzy moment.

My old roommate Shane came over to use the computer, I popped in a movie and the weirdest things started happening! I was gleeful one moment, and 10 seconds later felt angry! 10 seconds later I was sad, 10 seconds after that I was irritated. I said to myself "woah, this is weird!" and made a point to remain very objective and calm so I could observe what was happening. My good friend Bjork was not making my effort to keep an even affect any easier, she had to go bludgening cops to death so she could buy her son an operation for a genetic degenerative disease that made her blind. Thanks alot Bjork!

Then, it got worse. Our old roommate took us to the grocery store (we are hippie bus riders.) I knew my mood was unstable, so I was trying VERY HARD to say little and remain calm. But Emma, OH OH Emma, she just couldn't help out could she? She was in a sour, sour mood. When I politely asked her if red-leaf lettuce was allright with her, she made some rediculous passive-aggressive comment that suggested it would not be eaten. Never mind that I have felt GUILTY for polishing off the last three heads, she decided it would be more appropriate to remember a time last June when a head of lettuce went bad and we had to throw it away. So I am at the store with my BITCHY acting roommate, and my SIMPLE acting ex-roommate. I am forced to interact with them, even when they are both being REALLY ABNOXIOUS at a time that I could be set off by much less.

I am going to do myself a favor and end this post here. How can I appropriately analyze whats going on with me when I am still pissed that she said "I don't like frozen broccoli" (how DARE she? what a bitch!)

mood: agitated, you name it

Yesterday was a holiday, you celebrated it, right?

Yesterday was the best holiday of the year, I certianly looked forward to it more than I did Easter. It was T day! -The celebration of Diana's first therapy appointment! It was a sunny day, fitting for any holiday, and It was late enough in the day that I was able to get enough sleep, in spite of my "kids on Christmas eve" excitement the night before.

First good sign- the location. This office could not be in a cooler place. It is right next to a well know park near my neighborhood. This park (and neighborhood) is amazing, It has the ritzyest of the ritzy on the same sidewalk as students and the most indigent people you can find. The energy in this area is electric. I am in a neighborhood that I could build my life in, it is only appropriate that the office where I will develop the tools to build this life is nearby. This is a location I can walk to and from on my strongest days, and that I can hop to and from quickly on a bus on my most social phobic days.

The actual first good sign would be my first interaction with - I will call her Dr. T (Dr. Therapist :) ) Over the phone she was very considerate in her emphasis on rapport. (rapport is a neccessity in effective therapy, if you feel like the therapist dislikes you or you dislike them you won't be able to trust them enough to open up) No therapist has ever gone to the trouble to remind me of this. She repeatedly reminded me that this is important and to not hesitate to find someone else if there wasn't a match. She reiterated this point at the appointment. Her making this point was really appreciated, sensitive people have a hard time in hurting other people's feelings, and she made it very clear that it wouldn't be personal. She obviously cares more about offering effective care than building her business. (And she has a long list of clients to show for this caring.)

Other things I feel positive about. She is obviously very smart. I have never felt that a therapist wasn't "smart enough" to treat me, but I have been misunderstood before. A smarter person might be able to see that I am a smart woman who struggles with verbalizing her thoughts, a less smart person might just think I am "ditzy." It also appears to me by her specialties and research that she has interest in neurology. My case is a combination of enviornmental and biological factors. I think the environmental & behavioral stuff can be fixed much more easily than whatever chemically is going on upstairs. I take comfort in the idea that my therapist studys these things.

Here is a wierd thing I see as a possible benefit about this therapist- she is conventionally beautiful, and seems unapologetic about it. When I was in good shape I was conventionally beautiful and I had a REALLY hard time dealing with it. I was uncomfortable with the attention (NOT a good thing for a social phobic when people REALLY ARE looking at you!;) My low self-esteem left me open to people who wanted me only for my "trophy" qualities, with no regard for my feelings or opinions; I have problems with assertiveness and it is hard for me to say "no", when you are conventionally beautiful you have more need to use that assertiveness; And of course, the "Halo-effect" is wonderful, but it does have the flip side that people assume you can handle insults and criticism, and they can be unnecessarily harsh.

I think any good therapist would be supportive and empathetic to these issues I have, but frankly, they embarrass me. Beauty is a double-edged sword for women in this country. We are punished if we don't have it, we are punished if we do. I honestly take a lot of comfort in my weight as it is, it makes me invisible which helps in the social phobia thing. But being overweight, as well as the eating habits and sedentary lifestyle that lead to it, contribute to depression. There are all sorts of reasons I should lose weight but don't want to. I use food as a coping mechanism, I need to replace that with effective ways to cope. I take comfort in fat, because it helps me know my boyfriends like me for me, not my looks. Problem is I am more inhibited sexually now than when I liked my body- when I find that man who likes me for me I want to feel comfortable enough to relax and really share myself with him. I have no fear of the work it will take to lose this weight, what I am afraid of is being conventionally beautiful again. Even if she wasn't conventionally beautiful I am sure she would be supportive to my issues with this, but since she is, I think I will feel safer in admitting them.

And she is skeptical (as am I) of this so-called "personality disorder" I was diagnosed with. Yay! I am happy to accept whatever is wrong with me in order to fix it, but that diagnosis did not make sense to me. I remain open to the possibility, but I appreciate her skepticism VERY much. She also volunteered that the nurse practitioner who took me off the Ativan in 2001should have dealt with the decision differently. I am glad to be where I am now, so I wouldn't change the past, but I do think I got a raw deal in that whole scenerio- I appreciated Dr. T's validation on that.

I feel very positive, I think this doctor may be able to help me. I feel very fortunate that I could run across this feeling with a doctor in this area and who is covered by my insurance. I also take great comfort in the idea that if she cannot, that she doesn't want to treat me, and won't take it personally if I find someone else.

Thanks Dr. T! :)

mood: ALIVE, awake, awesome

Monday, March 28, 2005


OH MY GAWD! I am so turned on!

I am turned on, not (only) sexually, but physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually. The object of my lust? A dorky, pretentious, assistant curator.

Something I haven't gone into much is my crushes. Geez oh geez me and my crushes. I have a long list of crushes. I have categories of crushes. I don't even want to have sex with all of my crushes, some of my crushes I don't even want to have a conversation with. I certianly don't want to date them all. So what's the deal? What are these crushes doing for me if I don't want them as partners?

Can I just talk for a minute about the curator first? OHHHHHHHHHHH! What should I call him? Something that captures his essence, hmmm Derek will have to do.

I first crushed on him when he presented the museums pieces to the new tour guide class. I was so endeared by his enthusiasm when describing the pieces. He uses his hands alot and holds his head up as he speaks. He is obviously a bit insecure, and very possibly egotistical (two sides of the same coin my darlings) and he makes me shiver. I must have looked too intensely at him or smiled a little too much, because he started to look in my direction too much, sending me over the edge of the crush cliff!

He has an ADORABLE partner in crime we will call Michelle. Michelle is beautiful and french, and I heard he is leaving after the expansion. NOOOOOOOOOOO! He is just as hot as a boy can be. He has these european looking glasses that he wears, and has this THICK, FRENCH accent that sounds exactly like a stereotype. When he talks I scrunch up and smirk like a school-girl. In fact, he caught me smiling at him saying "I think its 50 minutes" and we shared a smile together. He thought we were laughing at how specific he was being, little did he know I was smiling at his unbelievable ADORABLENESS. hee hee hee

The only thing cuter than Derek or Michelle is Derek and Michelle. I want to marry them both at the same time and live a utopian love triangle marriage where we all love each-other equally and have lots of little babies and live in the french countryside and create art. They are so cute together I can't stand it. They play off each other very well, Derek deferrs to Michelle but I don't think Michelle realizes it. I think Derek has a non-gay same-sex crush on Michelle. They are just so great to be around the energy they put off together is just so lovely I can't stand it. I love being in the room with them.

Derek just makes me totally hot. I want him to remain a crush though I think. The current tour guide ladies (Who I have non-gay same-sex crushes on) who I have lunched with seem to laugh at him. I respect these women and imagine they have good reason for it, so I am keeping him in the "dont-want-to-persue-it-only-want-it-to-be-a-crush" category for now. I am just drawn to his enthusiasm and body language (and body prrrrr) He IS a bit pretentious, which could be a turn off, but I just see it as insecurity, which seems to be at the endearing level, not the sort-of sad level.

Today when he was talking he was standing right by me, I was sitting on a chair. I just wanted to grab his shirt and pull him next to me so I could lay a big wet one on him. (geez- you guys should be paying me 99 cents a minute for this!)

But this is so relevant to my health. One of the things that gets shut down when I am depressed is sexuality. When I am depressed I feel longing and sometimes a very genital sexuality. But these are pathological. They are both like a drug. The longing is for validation and love. All people feel that, but I mean I am wanting someone to fill in an empty space, to validate me by wanting me. The genital-only sexuality is like a mechanical thing. A person doesn't need a partner for that. It is solely a means to an endorphin release at the end. Sex with partners for these purposes is very empty and soul draining. But that GOOD sexuality, where you, as a WHOLE person want to please and be pleased by another whole person, that is coming back :)

So what is up with all of these crushes? Especially if I don't want to have sex with some of them? They are not crushes, they are MUSES.

I am wood, and whatever I am to become depends on how I choose to whittle myself. I have certain characteristics that I must keep in mind in creating myself, like the hardness of the wood, the direction of the grain, but I am the artist in this masterpiece, and I create what I choose.

What does an artist need? Inspiration! I crush on a guy who has traits I would like in a partner. Derek is enthusiastic and passionate about art, he is in good shape and dresses neatly. What would a man who is enthusiastic and passionate, in shape and well dressed look for in a partner? It helps inspire me to build on those qualities in myself that would attract the partner I hope to find some day.

I get girly crushes too, but they usually have a different dynamic. Like many of my men crushes they are someone with qualties I would like to emulate, but not be sexual with. In these types of crushes I am not inspired to attract someone with traits I like in them, but instead I am inspired emulate those traits. My art mentor is a good example of this. She is creative and unique, and is confident about it instead of trying to hide it. She is outgoing and kind, and very tough at the same time. These traits appeal to me and so I am inspired to emulate them.

I have made a decision to be open to the possibility if I had the feelings for a woman that I would for a man I would want to date, but so far, I don't think that has happened. I suppose I didn't have to categorize it as "male" and "female" crushes, maybe "attract" and "emulate" are more appropriate.

I think the muse feeling is why I don't want to let go of the idea of Kareem (hottie desk clerk.) No, I probably would not be a very good girlfriend right now with all of my mood-swings and my fierce need for space. But of the traits I hope to find in a partner some day he has TONS. One vital trait the doesn't have: he isn't INTENSLY excited about me, that is NOT okay in a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. But it it makes a lovely muse.

mood: horny

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Resurrection of the Father (not what you think)

Someone I love died and has been resurrected.

He was my favorite person as a little girl, my hero. He always entertained me with science, art, and jokes.

Over time life's problems got to be too hard on him he began to drink "to relax" and he started to disappear. He shrunk and shrunk and a new person got bigger and bigger. I didn't know this new person, and we didn't like each other.

I kept communicating with his shell, but he was totally gone. Eventually the pain of seeing his body with a stranger's personality became too painful to me and I avoided his shell all together.

It usually takes me 2 weeks to recover after I see his shell. My mom is dead too, but it is easier to accept a parent is dead when they are in a grave. Every time I see his shell and try to talk to it the pain is too much. I forget now and then and say something to "him" but the new person who has possessed his body responds, as if to say "He is dead. You will never see him again, only the shell he once lived in."

Last week my Grandma invited me to Easter dinner. I reluctantly accepted, but as days passed the anxiety got stronger and stronger. I am too worn out right now, I don't have it in me to face the shell. I called and cancelled, leaving out the fact that what I don't have the energy for is the grieving.

HE called back. Not the shell, him! It was like the voice of a ghost! When we spoke to each other the words got through. We sincerely laughed at each others jokes. I called back an hour later, I missed him so much and now I could see him!

When I showed up it was better than I could imagine. He showed me the gadgets he was tinkering with. He showed me some photography he was doing. He showed me pictures of his friends. He wasn't seething and defensive. He wasn't anxious and spacey. IT WAS HIM! BACK TO LIFE!

This was the best day I have had in years. I know my mom will never come back, and I had finally accepted that my dad would not either. I am going to enjoy this as long as I can, and I will hope that the other person doesn't convince him to stop taking the medication so it can take over his body again. God I missed my daddy!

Happy Easter!!!!!!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

A picture is worth a thousand words

I felt depressed thursday.

On wednesday I went to dinner with my "sister" Linda (I can't all her my friend, her parents are my god-parents, I picked them to make her my god-sister- "sister" just feels right) She gave me some old doubles she had of us at different periods in our life.

I felt all sorts of feelings. One was nostalgia, these were pictures of us in elementary school, at Disneyworld, in Denmark, and fishing last summer. Another feeling was mourning. Both of the person I was before I was suicidal, and for the person I could have been if I wasn't depressed.

In 2002 I was suicidal. In 2001 I went back up north to the small college I went to out of high school, hoping to graduate. I looked the same age as everyone else, but I was older. I was taking a short-acting benzodiazapine daily, with a prescription, nothing illegal. It was an awesome feeling, I was relaxed enough to be able to study (this has never happened before- even though I have an above average IQ.) I didn't feel nervous around people. I felt like I would have my dream! I would graduate and be a Physical Therapist! Well I went to a nurse practitioner to have my prescriptions updated/monitored, and in the middle of the semester she told me this benzodiazapene was too controversial and would put me on something safer.

I had made a lot of mistakes in dealing with her. I had stayed up all night because I had moved stuff up from the city the night before, and had to get it unloaded to get the truck back on time. So I must have looked like a druggie. All I said was how great I was doing, I just assumed she would refill my perscription and we would be done with it. I should have told her more of my depression/anxiety history, that I never was able to study, that I used to be too anxious to go to class. I should have told her when she raised my antidepressant dosage that I had already tried that, so please could she suggest something more anxiety oriented. I didn't speak up. I just trusted her as an "authority" and assumed she could read my mind.

My anxiety came back. I couldn't study anymore. The benzodiazapene had made me care so little about people liking me (not to mention they genuinely seemed so young and shallow to me) so I was stuck-up and I didn't make any friends! (I had friends in the city already, who needs them right? I did. The anxiety coming back wasn't the problem, the problem was my dream was within my reach, and then snatched away, like it was all a cruel joke.

I was taking a class at the time and I had to write a paper about something about college. I could not write that paper. I knew I couldn't graduate and resented peoples expecting that of me. I had never even ENTERTAINED the idea of not graduating. I was a fish out of water. I couldn't be a waitress my whole life, I was a shitty waitress. I thought I was doomed. I couldn't study, the social anxiety was too strong, I couldn't go to class. I was so lonely, I called no-one. I spent most of my time online, terribly on "pro-anorexia" websites. A pro-anorexia website is like a pro-suicide website. Its so twisted, it gives suggestions on how to be sicker! For some reason I felt comfort in reading other sick people's thoughts. Problem is, this made me even sicker.

I had a suicide plan. It was a rediculously stupid plan, but I couldn't tell. My brain moved too slowly. For some reason, before making this plan I called my counseler to cancel my classes (why would you do that if you are about to die?) he could tell something was wrong and asked me to come see him. I can't remember the details but I ended up going to a psychiatric emergency room. I was referred to an outpatient hospitalization, I knew that if I went to an inpatient hospital I wouldn't have left, I felt like I would have stayed sick so someone would take care of me. The insurance would only cover a few days of outpatient treatment so I didn't do that. This emergency room is where they diagnosed the "personality disorder" WTF? I thought they were calling me a "Borderline" they said no, that meant I had been taught some unhealthy thinking styles, and needed to learn healthy ones. I am hoping to address this with the new therapist (2 more days- YES!)

I had sort of made a deal with myself. I said I would promise to not kill myself if I wouldn't beat myself up anymore (I gave myself an ultimatum -be nice or I kill you LOL) It worked! I stopped bullying myself (you are so messy- you HAVE to clean this house, NOW! You are so fat- you HAVE to exercise HARD!) and very slowly, I got better and better. It took 3 years, but with medical assistance and the willingness to fix things I was doing wrong, I am, according to the depression test (see resources), I am not depressed!

Looking at those pictures of myself I could see my pain. I could feel how tight and cramped I was. I was 21 years old, at Disneyland, and I wanted nothing more than to get back to the hotel room. I self-medicated this anxiety with food and I can see my awkwardness in posing my large body. I know now how it feels to love myself, I wished I would have started sooner. My life is so good now, and that is the only difference between me now, and me then.

I also can see, that I did die, and come back to life. I am crying now. When I look at those pictures of myself I am looking at a different person. THAT is what "born-again" means! It doesn't mean you have to blow off all of your non-christian friends and insert "Jesus" into as many sentences as possible. It means, you can't truly understand what God is all about until you let go of all of the "false idols"- money, prestige, power. And start over, competely humbled, valuing the things that are in tune with God: love, charity, peace, etc. (Please feel free to insert in lieu of the word "God": the Universe, The Creator, Mother Earth, Allah, Jah, Love, whatever you call it.)

Make it end!

I have just as many thoughts in my head but I have not felt like writing the past few days.

My batteries are on LOW, and I am SO irritated (how wierd is this) but my schedule keeps filling up. Today is an easter party that my really sweet stay-at-home-mommy friend is throwing. Why WOULDNT you want to go? I am just out of juice. I don't want to have to form sentences. And, to add to it, my sweet friend, like me, has some insecurity, so she is always Ms. perfect. I also don't want to look unenthusiastic in front of her sweet 5 year old about decorating eggs.

Also, with easter coming up it gives me a great platform to post about the origins of our easter traditions, and about "rising from the dead" but I would have to rise from the couch to do it.

The worst part is tomorrow is Easter and I told my grandma I am not working, which means I have to visit. I can visit when I am strong, but it's really hard on me for weeks after. My dad lives with my grandparents, and his mental health is deteriorating. I gave up on him years ago, he insists on being a victim instead of being a survivor, so while it isn't his fault for being sick, it IS his fault for STAYING sick. He gave up on me when I was 12, he was passed-out drunk every night from 12-18 when I moved into the dorms early. He kept drinking after the fact. He doesn't drink nightly today, becuase he lives with his parents, but he does when he visits his friends in another state.

He wants to play the "daddy/daughter" game still. You know, the game where you pretend you are a "parent" and a "daughter" and you pretent that the "parent" takes care of the "daughter" and that the "parent" doesn't tell his "daughter" his problems and pretends that he didnt tell his innocent "daughter" that he once "put a gun to his head" when it would be much more appropriate to protect the little girl and say "I have a sickness, and there was a time when it got so bad that I didn't want to live." And my favorite part of the "daddy/daughter" game is when the "daughter" accomplishes something, and the "daddy" says, "well I must have done something right, because you turned out so good." I loyally played the "daddy/daughter" game for years. I felt like if I don't get to be a kid, at least I could pretend to be one in public. The game needed to end. This was punctuated probably the fifth time he fucking said "well I must have done something right, because you turned out so good." when I beat the odds, him BEING the odds, and accomplished something in spite of him.

I am contemplating not going out there. But Gma & Gpa will be upset. Maybe thats a little bit of a good thing. My Gma, who I love more than life itself, is quite good at pretending everything is better than it is, she LOVES the daddy/daughter game. Uh, I think I shouldn't go. Speaking of, I have to get ready for the egg dying party.

Happy Easter!

mood: sapped

Friday, March 25, 2005

Where were YOU at midnight last night?

I was in the Gulf of Mexico.

My pilot buddy "Earl" lives in Pensacola, I had an overnight there last night and he picked me up at the airport. We stopped at his parents house (nice people) and then went to the beach house, well, what USED TO BE the beach house. The bottom two floors had filled with sand (I saw the mud line) there were holes in the ceiling and the whole place was musty. I guess it was "totaled" or whatever because they have to tear it down and rebuild it.

It was cool to be there. It was all condos, and since so many are being rebuilt there was NO-ONE there! We walked along the beach with flashlights for awhile (No building lights-awesome!) I asked him if the little bubbles in the sand were clams. He was so sweet, he looked when the waves washed in and ran up and dug in the sand. He got some "periwinkles," little teeny clam cousins. They were so cute and teeny, we put one on the sand and it stuck its little foot out and pulled itself back under the sand. Even cooler were the "sand-fleas" they were these huge white bugs. After he caught one it ran in circles and disappeared into the sand. It reminded me of the trilobytes in "The Mummy." We also saw a cute white crab. Earl tried to take a picture of it with his phone, but the white crab on white sand wasn't working.

After some wading I got the courage up to strip down to swimsuit and brave the cold. The water was 70 degrees, which FL people think is cold, but in the city I live in, even on hot days the lakes are only 70 degrees. We walked back to the beach house and went in. We played in the waves for about 10-15 minutes (didn't see any sharks :( but something did nip on my foot :) ) then I started to feel my body temperature go down and I asked if he wanted to go in. He said he can come out here anytime he wants to so we got out. I did this because I didn't want to leave feeling unpleasant, I wanted the memory to be just nice. I think I made the perfect choice, because as we were driving away I had a tiny pang of wishing I had stayed, but not enough to want to go back. And it started to rain.

So did you think I was for once going to just write a post about my day without including some navel-gazing psychobabble? Well of course I wasn't! Here's a revelation: I had fun. Your thinking, "Of course you had fun, you were in FL on the beach." 2 years ago, right before I started my job, I was in Florida, and I didn't have fun. I thought "hmmm maybe life is worth living" (thats the equivalent of fun for a depressed person LMAO) But yesterday I had fun. Not as much fun as I used to have, but I am happy to take the little bits of joy I am given.

I also did something amazing...I wore a swimsuit in front of this guy. You could see our figures, the moonlight was bright enough for that (and boy did I see his figure...yum!) And I was in a swimsuit! With a cut guy! THAT is big for me! I had the dark to aleviate the redhead-skin anxiety, but I was fully in swimsuit, he could see my figure, and I was okay with that. And this is a big deal. Most girls my size (cute in clothes, but big in a swimsuit [big for real, not girl insecurity big]) would not be comfortable with this, let alone someone with social phobia!

So I had a nice night last night. With 3 hours of sleep.

Hmmm, I guess life is worth living.

mood: refreshed

Thursday, March 24, 2005

On the "Documentary" portion of "The Office" DVD 1

Ricky Gervais- "Er...A lot of people who look at this extra footage in DVD's are nerds"

Stephen Merchant- "Yeah, Geeks, sure"

RG- "Geeks and losers, yeah" "Watching this on a sunny day"

SM- "Yeah, curtains drawn"

RG- "Spotty fat git"

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

OMG! I artist!

In class at the museum today we did an "art lab" to see the process.

Our lab was called "mirror mirror." We were to make an art installation using translucent, opaque, transparent, reflective etc. materials and name and describe what we did.

I was in a very social phobic mood, and REALLY didn't want to be there. But something amazing happened, I tapped into something and came up with something really wonderful and creative!

My piece was an outdoor scupture, probably 12 feet at the tallest. I will post a photo of my model when I get around to it. It consisted of a two sided mirror, on the outside was a regular silver color which reflects normally, on the inside was an amber colored mirror. The mirror was leaning at a 45 degree angle held up by 2 opaque right-triangle shaped "blinders" Wrapped around this, as if holding it together, was a long green snake-like wire. Six feet away, parallel to the vertical edges of the "blinders" was a transparent "window" with a tree on the opposite side.

If a person was to stand in this little enclosure, they could be hidden from a person standing outside the enclosure. Inside the enclosure they could look at themselves in this amber mirror, the color of the mirror makes a warm, safe atmosphere in the enclosure, and the reflection the person would see of themselves would be more attractive than reality, because their skin would look more tanned, and their clothes and jewelry would let off a "golden" hue. If this person were to turn around they could remain in the comfortable enclosure and look at the beautiful tree. The "window" allows them to see the tree, without being bothered with the tree sap, dirt, and bugs, or other elements of nature, like wind and cold.

I titled this piece "Us Magazine." I would now change it to "Us." The title has a double meaning, "Us" is America, "Us" the magazine is an example of one way we shelter ourselves from what is real. The enclosure is the universe we create for ourselves. It is pleasant and warm. Our view of whats going on outside is blocked. The amber mirror has a double meaning. It has a golden hue, to show the importance of our purchases on our culture. It also has the meaning of darkening our skin. In American popular culture we adopt small bits of culture, but we only want the parts that we deem at the time attractive. We "block out" the meaning behind the bits we adopt, and we don't want to accept the rest of the culture we adopt them from, until of course, we deem those parts attractive and adoptable too.
The green cord wrapped around the enclosure is the fact that money is what holds all of this together. The cord is a reminder of TV, another means used to create this shelter, and it also has a shape that reminds you of a snake. Which can be symbolic of our fear (whats outside?) and a reminder of the story in the Bible where the devil takes the shape of a snake.

You can look at the person inside this enclosure and see that they are in an enclosure. You would be able to see what they are experiencing, it might look selfish, it might look appealing, maybe both. You are seeing it from the outside, not experiencing it.. If a person never left this enclosure, they would not know how different the enclosure is to reality.

There is a reason why this must be an outdoor sculpture. The picture changes depending on the elements of the earth. Perhaps they can obscure the view of the person outside, looking in, but the universe can see the whole thing happening from above. Every now and then, when the sun and clouds are at the correct angle, the sun will shine into the enclosure and change the enviornment of the enclosure. This only will last for a short time. It is up to the person in the enclosure to decide how to react to that change. Was it an intrusion or a revelation?

Social Phobia

I should have been at class 8 minutes ago and I havent even left my house. I am going to have to push myself out the door. This sucks.

Here Goes!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Look at the big picture you fucking drama queen! :)


I wish I could say I am SOOOOOO happy to have the day off. I don't feel ready to relax yet because I have to go get my uniform tailored, I have a class, and I have to do some hard-core studying for my final paper and graduation tour. Then its back to work.

The good news is my trip is only a 2 day and I will overnight in Pensecola one of my pilot buddies lives there, and I may get to see him in his home turf. Problem is, when he is in pensecola he stays with his parents (his residence is being rebuilt after the hurricane trashed it) I am not so excited about having to be polite and presentable and small talky at the end of a trip when I am exausted and crabby. Especially now, I am not yet at the end of my rope, but if this continues much longer, I will be.

This week has been pretty good. (Although I mean that objectively, its hard for me to feel happy, I feel sort of just tense) Recurrent was stressful (2 days of thinking of EVERYTHING that could go wrong in an airplane, the place where I am in charge of the back, and it is my responsilbility to save lives AHHHH!) But I did get 100% on my test which is a good thing.

The next day I stayed in Philly, my crew and I went out to dinner which was pretty cool, they wanted to go to this irish pub-ish place called, wait, let me think...the plough and the stars or something. It looked irish-pubby from the outside, inside, it was a trendy type place. It was nice, I enjoyed it, but I would have loved to have a glass of wine, but the house wine was 6 dollars and my entree was 18 (chicken.) so I stuck with the free water. The food was beautiful and delicious, I had a half chicken with chorizo sausage and some delicious (gouda?) mashed potatoes and cabbage with peppers. I love that kind of resturaunt, but I am just a working-class flight attendant, I can't afford such luxury!

That night I returned to my hotel room and watched "Prozac Nation." I was always interested in reading that book. My life was changed by Zoloft (a prozac "cousin") and the book came out about that time. If I remember correctly it got bad reviews, "navel gazing by a spoiled brat" sort of thing, but I enjoyed the film. I am not sure if it was a good film or not, when you see your own life being portrayed you forget about character develpment and just forcus on the "yeah!" and the "I've dealt with that" moments. I feel that way about "View from the top."

The next night I overnighted in Jacksonville, FL, where I FINALLY got an e-mail from hottie-desk-clerk-from-boston Kareem! The day we had our "mini-date" on his dinner break he asked if I would hang out after work. I said no, becuase I had to be responsible, I would be staying up too late, and not be in good shape for class the next night (usually in my Monday classes after a trip I feel like I can barely stand up!) I guess he didn't want to write me because I said no, like he took it personally. He also said some stuff about "if a girl is going to get me all twisted up in the game I would rather keep my mind safe" I think that translates from hip artist language to square flight attendant language: "I feel as if you are leading me on, and if that is the case, I am going to protect myself from getting hurt." I responded telling him how great I think he is, how I am just not ready to get involved with anyone (I left out -"even the PERFECT MAN- YOU!) and how I hope he will write me back and start out as friends. We will see.

Day 3 I got back to the airport, and found out I didn't have to work for the rest of the day! I also found out that the DOLLAR AND FIFTY CENT raise I recieved wasn't an error! Yes you FUCKING DAMN WELL HEARD ME! 1.50! My boss wanted to talk to me, and I just KNEW it was to take away this raise that must have been an error...but no! ITS REAL! that is another $125 a month! OH MY GOD!

Yesterday night I had a walk-through in the museum, I am anxious as fuck about starting, and my body was so tired I could hardly stand, but it was so exciting to see it almost up. There still was plastic on some of the pieces, but that makes it even better, its a "museum strip-tease" it is being slowly unfolded, a little at a time, and, as in any museum, there are a lot of boobs and vaginas. LMAO

So I have been SO WHINY about how tired and stressed I am, I missed the fact that I had a good week! That is the thing about the disease of Depression. I have a GREAT life, like almost the life I dreamed of as a kid, but my perception doesn't match reality. The good news is I am getting to the point that I can recognize "this is reality, this is the depression talking" Right now I am sort of still in the last residual effects of a three year depression (coming back up from a near-suicide doesnt happen overnight). I still have depressed thoughts and behaviors in spite of the fact that my life is really great! At least I have the life experience to recognize the things that are good in my life as well as the things that I will have to do the work of changing. First Therapy appointment is next week! Hell yeah!

mood: optimistic, happy (?), tired, sore

Friday, March 18, 2005


I recieved a 100% on my test in recurrent training at work today. To not recieve 100% would suck, because the instructor went over it before we took it, but there are TONS of procedures, and the questions are worded tricky, so it's not unusual to miss a few.

What makes this 100% score meaningful to me is the fact that I am often insecure about how well I do my job. I do a GREAT job at the things that matter 98% of the time. But I am sometimes insecure about how competent I would be if someone were to have a heart attack or if there was an emergency landing.

This is my second recurrent, and although I have a LONG way to go, I can see my confidence with the material has improved since last year, and since initial. I was very proud of myself in my CPR on the recessu-Annie doll today, I usually just do what the instructers say to do in CPR training, but today I was able to get in the zone, as if this were a real heart attack, and I did not find myself lacking.

I am proud to see my improvement. I know that if I just try to do a little bit better each time (like take those stupid life-lines out for EVERY preflight) I will build to not only being good day-to-day, but also good if that day comes, if the universe tests me.

I am glad recurrent is over, but am still really overwhelmed. I havent been taking enough time off (I learned in training that airline employees usually have a mild form of hypoxia and sometimes a mild form of the bends!) I havent been taking enough time off for my body to recover, and I have been very busy in my tour guide class, we are coming towards the end, and our classes are meeting 2X a week (WTF am I doing? 5 day trips w/ 2 days off PLUS 2 classes a week?) I am hoping to make it through the next 2 trips (fortunately a 3 day and a 2 day) but I am really close to burning out. Since I can see the end in sight (more than 2 days off) I am trying to keep it together, but my body and brain are getting pretty weary.

For those of you thinking "that big baby, I only get 2 days off a week too" well you get to go home at 5:00! I am at work some days from 5AM to 7PM, sleeping in hotels, carrying my whole life with me, plus the stresses on my body of pressurizing/depressurizing and blood pooling in my feet. All while being nice to people who argue with me because I politely ask them to stow their purse! But all this stress is why I get the big bucks. ($20,000 last year!)

To stay at home moms who don't get wages, weekends, lunch breaks, or legal rest periods, okay, you win, I'm a big baby! :)

mood: overwhelmed, exausted, sore, tired, impatient (for a rest!)

Thursday, March 17, 2005


Yesterday I saw that I was naked.

Two things happened on-line that reminded me how vulnerable I am on here.

I have discovered a creative outlet...writing. Starting this blog made me feel like doors have swung open, and thoughts that have ruminated in my head for years flew out, bringing in fresh air, and making room for so much possibility!

I put myself out there and exposed a part of myself I try to hide, and I was rewarded by meeting a kindred spirit. This new friend has been supportive and kind, making me feel safe to continue to expose that less impressive, but no less authentic Diana.

Yesterday when surfing around I saw some things that brought the feeling of safety and excitement to a in a movie when the music stops suddenly, and the last thing you hear is the SCRRRRRECH of the record stopping.

It started when I saw that I have some new viewers. I was pleased to see I was getting new traffic, and went to see their profiles. I saw that they had some values in common with me, and had some values different than mine. I think their intentions were kind, but who's to say someone else, who's values are different than mine, won't have unkind intentions. With the doors to my core swung wide open like this, fresh air can be let in, but so can pollution.

As I have surfed around more, I have begun to comment. Many of the sites I have enjoyed and commented on have discussed the topics of politics and/or religion. I think I have made a mistake of allowing my comments to link to this site, because the venom that is spit nowadays when it comes to these topics could really hurt, since I leave myself so vulnerable on here. All of the comments I have made have been supportive, but they also have revealed more of my spiritual and political beliefs, the very things that people love to attack.

It's also easy to be cruel when you are anonymous. In my surfing I have seen comments that I think would be worded differently if stated face-to-face. It is a privledge to be anonymous in writing a blog, because you can discuss issues about people in your life while keeping their identity concealed. But with this anonymity we are also open to attacks, which you can't always see coming.

My plan to protect myself is to not put comments on other sites that reveal my political or religious affiliations. I think these would be pretty easy to figure out if someone were to read my posts, but if that were the case, they at least would recieve more of the gestalt and perhaps see me as a person, and not as only a symbol, as happens in so many religious and political conflicts.

I also am going to remain mindful that as in the real world, there are people that mean other's harm, so I must protect myself online as much as I do in my day to day life. My face may be hidden, but my heart is exposed.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Laugh Out Loud Funny Reason to Maintain Healthy Boundaries

I woke up at noon, and it is 3:15PM and I have just changed out of my robe into my clothes LOL

I am REALLY enjoying having a day off with no responsibilities, I have a dinner date with my "sister" Linda, and plenty of chores to do, but I am so worn out from my 5 day trip (thats HUGE) that I feel really okay about sitting around on the computer and relaxing.

This has been a great trip. I REALLY enjoyed my crew, especially my F.O. I have added him to my crush list. He is married so he is in the "want to find one like him" category, not the "I wonder what could develop if we had a few more trips together" category, or my "man-slut, but a hot one" category LOL

I also have a BIG OL' new crush! I had a mini-date (30 min) this week with the desk clerk in Boston. We will call him Kareem. He is from Morroco, an artist, and has the CUTEST Boston accent! My heart is pitter pattering just thinking about it. He factors in, quite a bit, to my new tale of hilarity and warning.

My tale of warning is about a girl we will call Lorraine. Lorraine is a flight attendant at my airline. She is a glowing example of my struggles with maintaining healthy boundaries. It has a funny ending (or sad, depending on how sensitive and kind of a person you are)

I met Lorraine in Milwuakee (MKE). MKE is one of the rare cities that we have any time to have dinner &/or drinks. There were 2 crews at the bar, and she and I were the Flight Attendants (F/As.) I didn't think much of her. She was blonde and pretty, but seemed rather shallow. Her captain (we will call him Dustin) was giving her a footrub at the bar. I rolled my eyes inside, but it was none of my business. Dustin and I are friendly and chit-chatted at the bar too.

The next day Lorraine called my room! She got the room number from the front desk. I have never had anyone call my room except a captian in professional circumstances. She didn't seem to be getting at what it was she wanted. My intuition told me she wanted some inside info on Dustin. The whole time she sort of gave me the heebie-geebies. She seems like the girl in high school who is friendly to your face and then talks behind your back and steals your boyfriend. I talked to her for at least an hour. I wanted to hang up but (BAD BOUNDARY ALERT!) didn't feel comfortable initiating it. Being that she seemed sort of evil I guess I wanted to be on her good side. I think I finally got up the courage to hang up. I told one of my pilot buddies about our encounter, that I didn't trust her, and to watch her and tell me what he thinks.

I saw her a month or so later. Her, another F/A and I were chatting, and I told a funny story about the MKE hotel without mentioning the Pilot's name who was involved. Lorraine asked if it was a specific pilot and I said yes. I asked her how she knew, she said he told the story and that he didn't like me. I that point I softened up about her. I felt like it was sweet that she told me (not that she betrayed HIS trust, or that she may be a liar.) One day, I got a call on my home was her. She got my number from the computer at work.

Now here is a thing that gets me in trouble in the boundary department. As an anxious person I have been abnoxious, impulsive, insecure, you name it. Not because I am a bad person, just because I am imperfect and my social skills have not been perfect. My college friends were friends with me ANYWAY, and they are a big part of me being the person I am. They have corrected me when I have been inappropriate, and have given me a window into the lives and mindsets of people "with parents." (people in functional families) When I run across someone who is imperfect, I want to be kind. I know how it feels to be excluded, and sometimes a little kindness goes a long way when you feel like an outsider.

It's good to be kind, but it's not good to try to save people. In jr. high/high school I used to try to save my boyfriends, and I have sort of stopped that, but I continue to have my heart-strings tugged by women. Women seem to martyr themselves alot. We are often very giving and don't feel we deserve anything in return. Many women have been abused and/or raped and continue to abuse/rape themselves. We also are all growing up in a time when beautiful, air-brushed, and often overly thin women are thrown in our face, we see them enough that we start to believe (even if we are VERY beautiful) that we are ugly, or not beautiful enough to be loved. So when I see a woman in these traps, I just want to grab them and pull them up into reality, where they will see that they are worthy of love.

Well you can't pull someone up. A person can pull themself up, and you can pat them on the back. Or they can fall down and you can remind them to pull themself up. But you can't pull someone up. And also, some people are outcasts for a reason (they are liars, manipulaters, users etc) Maybe they are that way as a reaction to their past, but that doesn't mean you should spend any energy on them.

So in the spirit of helping my sisters, I talked with her on the phone, and tried to help. She had a dumb boyfriend who didn't treat her nice. I told her about the AWESOME, EMPOWERING book "He's just not that into you" (which she bought) She told me she thought she was ugly. I told her she was beautiful and any man would think that. She told me all sorts of inappropriate things, like she snoops in his apartment. I told her that she shouldnt do that (can anyone reading this tell that this woman is not the kind of person you want to be near) She dumped her boyfriend, but got back with him. We were sort of "friendish" but our friendship consisted of her talking about herself and me talking to her about herself and her interupting me when I was saying something to her about herself.

During the "storm of '05" I got stuck in Boston. Everything was closed, & the hotel wouldn't take people anywhere. The first day was fun. I watched movies on HBO instead of working, but by the 3rd day I was ready to die! I asked the desk person who from the airline was at the hotel, hoping one of my friends would be there. When the desk clerk saw her name I thought "awesome" I knew she would want to hang out, she couldn't feel violated me calling her room, and two cute girls hanging out might attract some fun attention.

I called her room and she came down. We looked in a tourism book about places to go. There was a bollywood theater, and an art museum (turns out, both closed). She told me she didn't have her coat and didn't want to go out. We decided to get some beers, get delivery food and watch a movie on the lobby TV.

The clerk at the front desk was hotty hotty. When I asked him how to get to the bollywood theater he seemed impressed. I liked his cute Boston accent. He made my heart go thu-thump. Dreamy. I would go up to him and ask questions when ever I could come up with a not stupid and obvious one. At one point I told her how hot I thought he was and she said "uh, you think hes cute?" and I was like "yeah!" and she said "well I don't like his glasses" to which I responded "his glasses are like the hottest thing!" (No accounting for taste right?)

So we hung out, had a few beers. Even though I was crushing on the desk clerk and wanted to be hit on by nice men, at the time I was on what I called a "man-ban/boy-cott." I had just broken up with a man named N. Y. Name Dropper (like batman, this is not a pseudonymm its his real name) and was so fed up I figured I should just not date for awhile. Now and then Lorraine would allow me to say something about myself. In response to a lot of her comments about her boyfriend and the NASTY pilots she had slept with (I wish you knew this one she slept with, you would be SOOOOOO disgusted) I had said "this is why I am on a man-ban, I am so sick of their shit!" I kept pointing out "men will take what you give them, so you have to tell them stop, or they will keep on taking." I was very man-negative, which is one reason why i kept bringing it up, but also I wanted to show her, you don't have to have a man to be happy, it's okay to be alone!

Our conversation still revolved around her. I had been alone for 3 days, I really wanted to talk, I would have talked to a rock! But after a few hours of this I was running out of patience of talking about her boyfriend. I said "let's talk about something you have any hobbies?" She said "running" that was about all she had to say besides something about men. She did mention to me that the whole thing about her coat was a lie, she just said it because she didn't want to go out (charming) I mentioned this to the desk clerk, he was not impressed either.

She had asked me if I had ever fooled around with a woman. I assumed the context of this question was about having threesomes and doing it to make men happy (totally the sort of thing I could see her doing) I told her the truth, I never have, but if I did I would only do it with a woman I cared about, it wouldn't be to make a boyfriend happy. I told her that I would only do a threesome with a man and a woman if he was willing to do a threesome with another man, and be sexual with him too. I also told her that I am not looking to start anything with women, but if I met someone wonderful I would be open to it.

It was nice that she included me for a moment in the conversation, but soon she was back to her boyfriend. I couldn't take it anymore. I REALLY wanted to be with people but I just couldn't deal with her. I told her I was sick of sitting still and was going to go swimming.

A while later that bitch showed up at the pool and told me she was hanging out with the desk clerk! I was floored. What was this? Revenge for me leaving or a ploy to bring me back? She didn't even think he was cute! At this point I decided I would have nothing more to do with her. I told her I was ticked off, in a jokey sort of way "I go swimming and you steal my boyfriend?" but I no longer felt any need to be nice and try to help her, she didn't give a shit about me, why should I give a shit about her?

For weeks she has called me constantly. I never answer her calls, and she never leaves a message so I don't have to call her back. Emma (my roommate) is familiar with the situation, so she doesn't answer when she calls either. Last week, the caller ID said "unavailable" and Emma answered. She had already said I was there before she realized it was Lorraine. This happened a few days after the scare with SpiderSolitaire. Spider, being a woman who can use a pat on the back but not being one to try to drag you down, not to mention someone whose correspondence I actually ENJOY helped me see how serious my boundary problem is, not to mention how UNWORTHY Lorraine is of my time.

The phone call was hilarious. She said "are you mad at me?" I said "No, I guess I just feel we have run out of things to talk about" (this is a BIG step for boundary problem is so bad I let it get to this point, and I HATE hurting people's feelings!) she paused for a second... and then started talking! I let her go soon after. She has called a couple of more times since, but I havent answered and reiterated my point yet. I will.

Fast forward to this week, I enter the hotel in Boston and there he is...Kareem! I laughed and asked him sarcastically if he "had fun with my friend" He told me he was mad, he thought I had set them up. He told me he hung out with her because he thought it would be hanging out with both of us. He told me she started talking about her boyfriend REALLY SOON after they started hanging out! LOL He also told me she had said she called my room and a man answered! And she said it didn't sound like I wanted to hang out "with him" LOL!

LUCKY LUCKY me! He wanted to hang out that night. I wasn't willing to hang out when he got off work (healthy boundaries- it was too late at night, It would hurt me in the morning and I would be too tired for class) he respected that :) We hung out for his break. Heres where the funny part was. I was explaining how her and I met. He said "thats not what she said" He told me that she thought I was attractive and thought that the feeling was mutual!

LOL! The punchline is not that that she was bi, and interested in me, the punchline is that I SO MISSED IT! All of my telling her she was pretty and trying to build her up was like courtship to her. LOL! The other funny (and sort-of mean) thing is I said if a special woman came along I would be open to shes that special! LOL I wouldn't sleep with someone that coniving and dishonest no matter how pretty she is, I'm a woman, not a man. (sexist joke, sorry!)

The way Kareem told me made me crush on him more. He didn't say it in a "eww shes bi" way, he told me it in the same way as if she were a man. That impressed me.

Moral of the story: Maintain Healthy Boundaries.

mood: tired, sore, relaxed, amused

Friday, March 11, 2005

Glad to be here

I am in Des Moines, Iowa right now in my favorite, the Hampton Inn. They are usually very nice and they give us breakfast. So I am glad to be here.

I am also REALLY glad to be back at work (huh?) It surprised me, but as I arrived and saw the moving walkways I hadn't seen for nearly two weeks I started smiling! I love the atmosphere at the Airport, it is energetic, but not chaotic, as I see the same things regularly. I am glad to be here, back at work.

I have an AWESOME crew! They are so considerate in the way they treat the passengers. We had a mechanical delay yesterday and you could hear in the captain's voice how sincerely sorry he was about it. The FO is also awesome. A passenger wanted to know the speed and altitude for her elderly father who hadn't flown in 30 years. The FO didn't want to wake up any passengers so he wrote them down for me to bring to them, it was very sweet. They are really kind men and they are doing it genuinely, not to be chivalrous to make themselves look good. So I am glad to be here with my crew.

This past week I have done a lot of reflecting. On my life, on my relationships, on my childhood, on my choices. My examination of healthy and unhealthy boundaries has led me to realize that I may have found a big, I mean BIG, thing that has been holding me back in my life. I am excited, and anxious, because recognizing how much can change in my life if I address this (boundaries) also shows me that I have A LOT to address.

But the reflecting has shown me something else. I have come far, I mean A HELL OF A LONG WAY! I remember being 21, and as I said in my first post, It was like I was floating. I have a lot of ups and downs still, but even in the downs I have a solid ground to lay on as I sob uncontrollably. I am approaching thirty and I am glad to be here.

I love metaphor and analogy. They can be so helpful in making something as abstract as feelings manageable and understandable. Years ago I tried to come up with some sort of analogy to explain how it felt to be me.

It seemed like other people had this unfair advantage in school, relationships, in life in general. I felt like they were moving forward on solid ground, but I was in a bog. I had to work harder just to stay upright, and if I stopped moving for a second, I would fall under. Using this analogy I had decided to "throw little pebbles in the bog." To do tiny little things to make my life better, things of manageable size, because so much of my energy was being used just to keep going. A little thing could be donating 2 boxes of stuff to charity, so it wouldn't be in the way and make cleaning harder. A little thing could be distancing myself from the mean classmate who gossips and picks on people. Small things that make my life just a little better, or, a little less bad.

As is appropriate to the analogy the little "pebbles" didn't make a noticable difference for years. If you throw a pebble in the water you wont be able to see it, but it is still there. Add more, one at a time and they begin to add up. Now and then you can add a rock (ie get a better job) but the little pebbles are enough to begin to add up.

I think now I am at a point where I am standing up, I no longer have to tread water. The water is still up to my neck, so I have alot of work to do. However, at least I can stop for a minute to collect my thoughts, I have built enough solid ground, from those little pebbles, that I won't drown if I stop moving.

I am excited to learn of the extent my unhealthy boundaries are having in my life. I am happy to learn of this because now I know what to fix! I think this is an exiting thing to realize, because it is so fixable. Big problems for me are Depression and Social Phobia, but what can I do to fix these...cheer up? stop thinking people are staring and evaluating you? Obviously if it were that easy I would have neither of these. But boundaries are manageable. It IS as easy as "tell someone to back up when they stand in your personal space" Sure its hard to build the courage to stand up to people, but its a hell of a lot easier than "cheer up."

These are only a few examples, but every time I tell a panhandler "no" is a pebble. Every time I let someone go on the phone, because I no longer wish to talk, is a pebble. (stuff like this affects my mood for hours) Every time I tell a boy no, I don't kiss on the first date, period, is a ROCK! This is how big this is for me I think! I imagine that once I stop letting people suck my blood, I will stop seeing people as blood-suckers. (That will cause a phobia if anything does! LOL) And if I stop seeing people as blood suckers, I will isolate myself less, and be less isolated, and be less depressed. Yes, I think this is that big.

Well now, I am going to take my heavyer-than-I-would-like body to my hotel room, where I will toss and turn because my more-anxious-than-I-would-like brain is racing. I will wake up earlier-than-I-would-like to get ready for my job that pays-less-than-I-would-like.
And I am glad to be here.

mood: accomplished, content, tired

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Love Letter part 3

Thanks for taking the time to do this. I agree to respect the boundaries you have set. You don't have to respond to any of these, I am just putting the questions down. (remember- I am learning how to establish healthy boundaries too!)

You said: I have no boundaries. I am starting from scratch, but I will give this a shot.

This is not true. I know you have SOME boundaries. I have seen you write on your blog the way you deserve to be treated (ie dont whistle at me like a dog) I think its fair to say you need to work on strengthening and enforcing the boundaries you have.

You said: 1. I ask you understand times is hard to come by here as well at times. Being a mother can be very demanding. But, I hope to be there as much as possible.

I think "I hope to be there as much as possible" is too flimsy. (I know I sound nit-picky, dont take it as critisism, Its meant in the context of an excercise, for me too!) "as much as possible" does not take into account how valuable your time is. You have your children, school, and your personal development to work on. You have to know for yourself how much time you have available to give, so you dont give too much away at the expense of your own priorities!

You said: 2. I am very, very freakish about privacy. If something is private it is to be kept private. I would kill someone for reading my diary w/o permission. So, there's a rule (is that a boundary?)

That is a firm, healthy boundary. (homicidal tendencies excluded LOL) You have the right to be as private as you want (it actually surprised me how many details you disclosed on your family site) see! I told you you have boundaries!

You said: 3. I don't accept criticsm very well, please bare with me, and be as nice as possible with it.

I promise to think through what I say. Please tell me if I am too harsh (I like to be straight-forward) so I know to stop.

You said: 4. Please be understand before my meds kick in, I may be a wave to ride. I apologize. I just ask you take everything with a grain of salt.

I can take alot, please just be clear. I can't handle anything like the other night happening again. If you are in crisis, contact me, but be kind and let me know you are okay.

I hope these are boundaries. I'm not sure. But they are things I ask, so I hope that counts for something :)

They are :) you say they are things you ask. I hope you mean these are things you insist on! :)

Thanks for doing this. It makes me feel safer allowing myself to feel concern for your situation. I am (however) going to do what the healthy boundaries list said and let my concern develop slowly (arent I an A+ student) LMAO

You really are a patient person. As a person who has let people step on my feelings and ignore my boundaries, It is hard (and scary) for me to say "I insist you respect me if you want me around" because the other person may not be willing. It means alot that you are willing to respect my boundaries, and I am willing to respect yours too. BTW this is the easy part...the hard part is 1. Saying something when boundaries are crossed & 2. Backing it up if the person won't stop.

Thanks again sunshine! No need to respond, the questions were meant as comments as much as anything.

This has been good for me! However, personal growth is useless if it interferes with your day to day self-care! So even though I have 10000000 more things to say I have to finish getting ready and go to bed for my long work week.

mood: inspired, antsy, relieved

Love Letter to SpiderSolitaire part 2

Here are the ground rules I am setting, to protect myself:

You must be a "Healthy" person.
-a healthy person sees themself as a survivor not a victim
-a healthy person makes choices that make themself healthier, not sicker
(medication & counseling are MUSTS)
-a healthy person does not take from other people without also giving back (and vice versa!)

You must respect my time.
-I have limited energy, and must focus it on my own growth and my own life, I ask that we keep our communication mostly on the blog- except in a crisis.
-I have limited time, I ask that you understand that I am gone 3-5 days a week and only sometimes have computer access. I can only promise to "be there" much of the time

Please respect the pain that alcohol and drug abusers have inflicted in my life
-It is a tiny gesture, but it means the world to me if you will post every time you drink or take a non-prescribed drug with the following
-what and how much
-is it a healthy choice or not
-if you do this, it just calms my nerves that you are paying attention to your drug/alcohol intake. It also tells me you respect the pain I feel regarding drug/alcohol use/abuse

Please write a list of ground rules for me too okay? I hope you are aware that I have work to do in establishing healthy boudaries too, so its important that you ask yourself what lines I may not cross. It's okay (actually I hope you do) if you demand things like "you may not touch me without my permission" because it sounds like common sense, but look how I was with batman, I had my boundary (no sleeping in my room on first date) but I let him cross it because I didn't establish firm boundaries.
mood: tired, just here

Love Letter to "SpiderSolitaire"

SpiderSolitaire and I agreed to put all of our correspondance, with the exception of those things that identify us, online. Both of us have had difficult lives and hope that our two journeys to health may help others who have experienced the same things.

Spider scared the fuck out of me last night. I mean really scared me. (you can visit to witness the drama) I thought she had either killed herself or passed out from mixing alcohol and sleeping pills. I called the police. THANK GOD she is alive! And THANK GOD this didn't send her husband into a rage. Spider apoligized ALOT to me in an IM (I wish I would have saved it so we could post it and reflect on it...spider do you have it archived?) I understand she is sorry, but I am still very upset, so I have some things to ask of her here goes:

My Dear, Dear Spider,

It has been ONE WEEK since I "met" you here online. In that short time you have already touched my life. Your comments to my posts have been encouraging and constructive, and your kindness has helped motivate me to continue to blog, and to continue the difficult work of getting healthier, not sicker. I hope and believe that I am offering this to you too, I am hopeful that we can continue this same type of supportive, constructive, dialogue.

Part of loving yourself is not letting other people hurt you. You loved yourself enough to leave that son-of-a-bitch husband who beat you. I am loving myself enough that I am not going to let people into my life who hurt me. I am only letting people into my life who help me. The key to not allowing people to hurt me is to establish strong healthy boundaries. This has been a challenge for me my whole life. It is alot of work but it is absolutely neccessary. People with unhealthy boundaries are often targeted by abusers and sex-offenders, or they become abusers or sex offenders. My father taught me by example unhealthy boundaries as a child, which sucks. However, now I have to understand that that is the past, which I cannot change. But I own the present. I can't change the fact that I have made mistakes, but I can stop myself from making new ones.

I FORGIVE YOU, but, I am establishing healthy boundaries and saying I am not going to let you hurt me again like you did last night. I was so worried that you had killed yourself either on purpose or by accident by mixing alcohol with your new drug. I was also so worried that calling the police might have sent your husband into a rage. I stayed up late worrying, which made it harder to concentrate in class this morning. I also woke up my roommate by calling the police, that would have been worth it to save your life, or to help you cope. But it wasn't worth it, because you were not dead or in serious danger, but did nothing to let me know this.

What happened last night is in the past, so we can do nothing to change it, but we can learn from it. I am sad that you chose the unhealthy coping methods of cutting and drinking alcohol, but I am glad you were honest about it. If you ever post something like "I want to die" you must include something like "I wont do it, but the pain is awful" AND if I am saying IM me, IM me I am worried, at least acknowledge me, you may reject me, and say "I dont want your help bitch!" But remember, giving a shit is a two-way street. If I am going to give a shit about have to give enough of a shit about me to not put me in a position where I think you just killed yourself. Deal?

So here is my plan miss spidey pants. Both you and I have ALOT OF WORK to do in establishing healthy boundaries. I have let people into my life who would only take from me and not give back. I have also been a person who has only taken, and not given back. I imagine you, as a person who needs to work on developing healthy boundaries, can say the same. I am going to sit down and figure out what I can and cannot accept in inviting you into my life, and allowing myself to care about you. I am going to figure out some ground rules regarding healthy boundaries, you can choose to accept them, or you can choose not to, but if you choose not to, please understand that in order to protect myself I must not allow you in my life. I want you to do this with me too. I want you to decide what behaviors you will not tolerate from me, a friend HELPS your life, not hurts your life. I insist that you be willing to do this for me to allow myself to let a friendship develop, I have been hurt by people too much in my life, I just cant let it happen anymore.

Some examples of ground rules I will FOR SURE establish is this:

I will only let HEALTHY people in my life. This doesnt mean if you have diabetes or depression you cant be in my life. But it DOES mean if you dont take your insulin or medication, and dont go to therapy that you can't be in my life. Every second we make a choice: am I going to get healthier or sicker? I don't expect perfection, I slip back into choosing to allow myself to get sicker, and sometimes choosing to get heathier means taking EXCRUCIATINGLY SMALL but very difficult steps, but it is the direction that matters.

For a person to be in my life, they need not be perfect, they will make a million mistakes, but they have to pick themself back up and make the choice to be healthier, not sicker. My dad hurts me every single minute because he chooses to get sicker, not healthier. He never hit me or molested me, but by making the choice to get sicker, he taught me how to be sick. I protect myself now by not allowing him much access to my life. I refuse to let anyone hurt me like he did, ever again. Do you demand this of me too?

Another boundary I have to establish is time. At this point, I do not have any extra time in my life to add new "friends." By that I mean people you call every week, have lunch with and so on. I have a few awesome friends, and I have a pattern of making new ones instead of nurturing the ones I have, which has led to me neglecting them. I am comfortable with the level and means of correspondance that we have established in the past week. When I am at work I am often gone for 5 days out of the week, so the frequency will likely be reduced, but I am really happy with how our correspondence has gone so far (with the exception of last night) and would like it to continue.

If you think you are going to cut yourself or hurt yourself, I want you to try IMming me, even if it doesn't show me online (I am usually invisible.) I am not a dependable person to turn to, since I am gone so much, so you should have other safety nets set up, but thats an option to try. With the exception of serious times like these I prefer to keep our correspondence on the blog (you can of course e-mail things that you dont feel comfortable putting on here) I like it in the blog because 1: I have time to think about what I want to say and 2: It can help someone who might be reading it. BTW this is SOOOOO not personal, I would say the same thing if Oprah started posting on my blog! LOL What time constraints do you have? Do you have time expectations?

One more for sure. I have already set up a rule in my life that I will never again allow anyone in my life who abuses drugs or alcohol. Well I know you abuse alcohol because you used it to try to forget your feelings last night. I am going to bend this rule slightly with you because I think you are working to get healthier. I will probably need something rock-solid from you like a promise that everytime you drink or take a drug you record on your blog: 1. How much you had, 2. Why you had it, 3. Was it a healthy or unhealthy choice. This may sound wierd but I need it. People who abuse drugs and alcohol have hurt me too much. I would be willing to do something like this for you so If you arent willing, just to make me feel a little better, then I am sorry but I can't bend my rule any farther.

I am sure, since you have been hit alot in your life that you will have a rule with me that I cant hit you. I think its a good rule, and easy to follow since I am so far away LOL But I think you should think about some sort of rules about blaming you for things that you dont have control of. For instance, because I was up late last night worrying, I had a harder time in class today. I think I have a right to say "I feel angry because you posted something that looked like you were not okay, but you really were" but I don't have the right to sleep in and say "I missed class because of you" or to let my mind wander in class and say "I didn't learn a thing because of you" It's my choice whether I go to class or not, or whether I pay attention or not, even if the events of last night made the choices harder.

Also I like to tease and poke fun. I hope you will set a ground rule of what kind of teasing is okay and what kind of teasing isnt.

Last night sent up a HUGE red flag making me think you might not be a healthy person for me to have in my life. I also think you should be wary of my immediate involvement in your issues. The desire to "save" someone else is profoundly unhealthy not to mention impossible. I think its a good idea if we set up ground rules to protect ourselves. Boundaries and ground rules need to be revisited often, as peoples lives change and new revalations are discovered. If we can establish and respect each others boundaries I think its a good sign that our correspondence is a healthy choice in both our lives.

BTW maybe right now you are thinking I am a huge fucking geek. Well I am LOL but heres the thing: Healthy boundaries com second nature to people with healthy up-bringings. The average healthy person would say he hit me? I don't want to date him anymore. She disrespected me? I dont want to be friends with her anymore. Easy. Done. Its a little more challenging for me because I was taught such unhealthy things by may fathers example. So I don't think of this ground rule thing as geeky, I think of it as "remedial learning"


P.S. I have time to get this done today, but I imagine you have more pressing things at the moment. (I hope you see a counseler today) Do you think you do some research on healthy boundaries and could throw something together by the 15th?

I don't care if you look at these, they just look cool to me (please however read below the links)

Fucking awesome site: Its like my whole life on a page LOL

"remedial learning" HA HA

I wish my dad would read this page LOL <--- I cant stand "victims" if you ever catch me being this way, please tell me!



Appropriate trust

Revealing a little of yourself at a time, then checking to see how the other person responds to your sharing

Moving step by step into intimacy

Putting a new acquaintanceship on hold until you check for compatibility

Deciding whether a potential relationship will be good for you

Staying focused on your own growth and recovery

Weighing the consequence before acting on sexual impulse

Being sexual when you want to be sexual--concentrating largely on your own pleasure rather than monitoring reactions of partner

Maintaining personal values despite what others want

Noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries

Noticing when someone invades your boundaries

Saying "NO" to food, gifts, touch, sex you don't want

Asking a person before touching them

Respect for others--not taking advantage of someone's generosity

Self-respect--not giving too much in hope that someone will like you

Not allowing someone to take advantage of your generosity

Trusting your own decisions

Defining your truth, as you see it

Knowing who you are and what you want

Recognizing that friends and partners are not mind-readers

Clearly communicating your wants and needs (and recognizing that you may be turned down, but you can ask)

Becoming your own loving parent

Talking to yourself with gentleness, humor, love and respect

mood: inspired, relieved, introspective, tired, busy, gifted, accomplished, energetic, fired up, excitet

SpiderSolitaire said...

Response in blog...
And I love my my sailor friend!
5:44 PM
B.L.O.G. said...

Holly Cow Diana!

That be a list of rules for sure...hehe.

What I suggest is a 3 strikes your out rule. After the 3rd time of whatever drama, bullshit, spazing you just cut it loose. It's hard but heck if you can't learn after the 3rd time you never gonna learn you know!?

Anyway, sorry for busting in on your comments but was reading your blog too and saw this and was wanting to comment! =)
6:05 PM
Diana Crabtree said...

Blog your not busting in! If we wanted this drama to be private we would have kept it private. your comments are really constructive and appreciated!

I like the 3 strikes out idea. A purist might say a one strike your out is better (as with batman) but people slip. But consistancy is important.

Thanks for commenting (not to mention making it through the whole post)
6:10 PM

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Anxiety creeping back

Looking at the time I am realizing I need to get to bed soon. I have class in the morning, and being ugly or tardy just sends the social phobia through the roof.

When I went to blockbuster today I killed two birds with one stone and bought coffee filters and salad supplies. I had a bit of hmmm, I don't know the word for it. I suppose it was social phobia. I felt a bit awkward being outside after such a long stretch inside. It was mild, I was able to laugh it off, but it was there.

I also sensed the feeling of being pushed. I have learned with myself that if I push myself I usually have a harder time than if I convince myself. My logic would say "Well just push yourself and deal with it, at least things will get done!" but I have tried that. I did that for years, and I think that drill-seargent treatment was a contributing factor to my suicidal issues. I know not to push too much so I don't shut down. Well, I USUALLY know not to push too much, but I did the last half of February, which I think contributed to me getting sick.

What I am doing now isn't working either. I have to coax myself gently, and be really patient with myself. It's really slow moving, and I am not going to live a full enough life if I don't change something. This is where the therapist comes in. There is alot I can do for myself in getting healthier, but this is a roadblock. I have no clue how to push myself hard enough that what needs to be done is done but to not get anxiety attacks. I actually don't get anxiety attacks in that context. Anxiety attacks hit me when I know I am making the wrong choice, I have already made a poor choice, or if I am hit suddenly with a choice that I don't know what to do.

What happens to me when I push too hard is I shut down. It's wierd. Like the other day I got TONS accomplished. I was a superstar (it seems like I was like normal people-but its debateable) I did not tell myself to do the same thing the next day, but after watching a movie the next morning I really got tired all of a sudden. I wasn't tired during the movie, but the second the movie was over, and I was to think about what to do that day I started yawning.

It would be good for me to finish the dishes and do my laundry, but my class tomorrow is of higher priority. I will do one sinkful of dishes than turn in.

I am so glad I never tried Cocaine or Meth or any Amphetamines. (well, speed once-but thats another story LOL) I would be an instant addict. I was just thinking to myself "I wish I could just take a pill that would let me get everything I need done" I think I will just stick to my coffee :)

mood: procrastinate, disappointed, just here

Warm, fuzzy feeling

I ate the most delicious salad!

Spinach & baby greens with green peppers, onions, broccoli, grape tomatoes, dried cranberries, feta cheese and a home-made dressing of olive oil, balsamic vinegar and salt.

Life is good, life is very, very good.

mood: content

Getting back on track

Brush teeth and shower? Check!
Soak dishes? Check!
Gather a laundry pile? Check!
Spent too much time surfing? AGAIN? Check!

Okay. I will make some more baby step goals. Is this boring you? Check.
Again, this is for me, and I am allowing people to read it if they want. Would I want to read this much detail of someone elses life? hmmm, not sure. I think it would be interesting as insight into a person's brain, I mean, so many people love to learn about the twisted brains of serial killers...why not learn about the twisted brain of flight attendants?

My next goals:
Go to Blockbuster and get cheezy movie.
Wash soaking dishes and soak new ones (I have literally at least 4 sinkfulls, I havent done dishes in 3 days! too much web-surfing)
Do research for friend
Sort pile into loads
Make date with museum mentor
Gather notes and readings for class tomorrow

Okay this list is getting too long, I am going to just do the first 3, then I will let myself play some-more.

I will say this much, the web isn't as bad as TV, reading peoples thoughts and takes on world issues is more mentally engaging than competely passive T.V. BUT, It is far more absorbing, and time can pass without noticing much easier than with TV.

mood: lazy

Peeking into a private diary

It has been nearly a week (I think) that I have been writing this blog.

My original intention (which I hope I will remain true to) was to keep a diary. Keeping a diary has helped me alot over the years. It 1: is a record of my moods and events so I may recognize patterns 2: Helps me cope. Writing my emotions keeps me from bottling them up, helps me to understand them better, and gives me something healthy to do in a crisis instead of eating, drinking, TV whatever 3: Keeps my eyes on the prize. Anyone who has tried to lose weight knows this, if you stop paying attention you can fall right back into old patterns. It can be second nature to grab a box of crackers and eat a meals worth of calories without noticing. By writing in a diary I am daily being mindful of what choices I am making each day, as well as reflecting on choices I have made, or the consequenses of choices I could make.

I would say all in all, this has been amazing, and I would like to integrate this into my life. Having it online has made it even better than in a book. Since I am 100% anonymous (no-one I know knows I am doing this, its like a book-diary, why would I tell them?) I feel comfortable sharing unflattering feelings. It also feels very validating when someone says "that sucks!" It feels even better to know that when I share a HUMILIATING story, one that friends don't share completely with each-other, someone else who has felt that way feels understood.

It doesn't matter if no one does read this. It gives me a motivation outside myself. I can imagine that there is a lurker out there reading my post, and he or she is sick like I am. They can go one direction or the other, they can get sicker or they can get healthier. Thinking of him or her motivates me to keep getting healthier. Getting healthy, especially from something invisible and confusing like mental illness, is a lot of work. That hypothetical lurker can help me stay motivated to keep getting healthier, even when I want to quit (which I often want to do)

So here's my challenge. At the top of my list of health issues I need to address is Social Phobia. It is one of the root causes of my depression and anxiety and it leads to lonliness and isolation, which were a big part of my suicidal feelings in 2002. Being on here, looking at tons of awesome blogs made by (mostly) awesome people has been so fun. But I have done nearly nothing else in the last 5 days! It was 50 degrees and sunny the other day (paradise for march in the great white north) and I did not step outside ALL DAY! I have had a fun week, but I have turned my face to the computer, and my back to my life! The exact opposite of the goal of this!

So what should I do? HMMMM. Heres what I am going to do now. I am going to set some goals: Before I start my trip next week I need to do laundry, dishes, and pack. Thats not that much! But boy oh boy does it feel like it. Being paralyzed is a huge hurdle I have to overcome. I think its rooted in perfectionism, but I get such high expectations of myself, and I get myself all worked up, that I make something average size, look like climbing mount everest. So right now I am going to brush my teeth and take a shower (PLEASE dont look at what time this post is written!) I will soak the cooking pots. And I will pull out the dirty clothes into a pile to be sorted. I can do this! I kind of hope anyone reading this is laughing at me, because I am laughing at myself. But hey- the first step is the hardest, I will pick a little one ;)

P.S. Wheres all the hate-mail comments from the Andi post?

mood: fired up