3 months 10 days

According to my blog, it's been 3 months and 10 days since I have had sex.

It seems like more. It seems like ages.

I don't think I am ready to date yet, but I am ready to makeout, and if it was good, ready for sex. But you know, I think I should only have sex with a good guy with relationship potential, right? Blech!

Poor me

I feel sick about it

Twice I have forgotten my passport, and I have forgotten my ID badge before. All very important things you must have, and it reflects very poorly on me to not have them.

Well today I forgot my badge again. My gut told me I was better off saying I was sick than admitting to forgetting it. I feel like I am in less trouble that way, and I don't have to face delayed passengers, but I hate doing it.

I sincerely feel sick. I guess I always do. But the anxiety of lying makes me feel even sicker, and ruins the fun of a day (or more) off. And I have to come up with a good strategy- do I call in again tomorrow, to make it look like a more genuine illness?, (and to not have to work 6 consecutive days) or do I go back tomorrow, and suggest maybe I had eaten a bad breakfast (which prevents the suggestion of going to the doctor)

The funniest part of all of this is I made extra sure that I had my passport. DUH!

I hope I keep my job

UPDATE: The anxiety put me dead to sleep. I slept between 10:30AM and 3:45PM. I dreamt that I was in a gym glass, (although I am 30) and they wanted us to get into groups of 4. I was having a difficult time getting into a group because they kept shifting around, and I found myself getting resentful, I felt that at 30 years old this was undignified, and I walked out. I was wearing no pants or socks, and it was snowy outside, but I only lived 2 blocks from home.

As dreams do I was in a car, then not, and I ended up getting really far from my house. At one point there was a van, and I walked through the van to cross the street. I asked the people in the van if they would take me the last two blocks, and instead they took me really far to a trailer park that they were all staying in. They were fans of a band and follwed the band around the country. Some of the people loved me, one in particular hated me. After awhile the one who didn't like me invited me to leave, and I did, and myself and a few others got robbed before we even were out of the trailer park!

When I finally got out of the trailer park I was very happy, but of course I got lost again. I saw a girl slouching and frowning, and I said "hey, smile!" and when she stood up straight and smiled she kept falling over. Dreams are weird. I think I woke up before getting home.

I'm not as anxious now I guess. But I think I should probably try to go to work tomorrow, if lying makes me this anxious.

I answered my own question-before starting the post

Starting tomorrow I have two 3 day trips back to back. That's harsh. I was about to comment "It's not more time that I want- it's more energy" And I realized that if energy is what I want, I can eat more vegetables, less fat and refined carbohydrates, and excercise more.

Now of course if I excercised and ate healthier foods, the schedule I have recieved would still suck. But I just had 4 days off, and I still dont feel rearing to go for my trip. I feel that if I had more energy, I would accomplish more and feel caught up.

But what am I talking about? I have the laundry done & garbage taken out, and it's only 9:30PM. All I have to is wash the dishes and pack, and I am good to go to bed. Some times it's hard to look on the bright side. I am not bursting with energy- but do I want to be bursting with energy at 9:30PM? No, I want to be winding down for the day. I am getting done what I need to, so no need to worry.

And as an added bonus- my roommate disappears for days at a time, so I don't have to worry about offending him with the mess.

I still wish I only had 1 3 day trip.

My friends say I should "get over that"

I told Carrie and Jane about my feelings when I saw the pictures from the wedding. They were surprised to hear I thought I looked bad. Jane said her husband mentioned how much weight I had lost, and she thought that me in my brown swimsuit was the most svelte she had ever seen me. Both Jane and Carrie said I should "get over that." I trust these women. I imagine they are probably right.

I just found a dating site for liberals. Maybe thats what I need to do. I think I need to just accept myself. I am thinking I should get back to about 187, (I am weighing in at 192 right now, after a weekend of eating like crazy.) After I get to 187 I should just work on maintaining it for awhile, and just focus on getting enough veggies, moderate fat, and getting some excercise, for health, not weight loss.

I am in a stage of rebellion right now. I am just so sick of eating perfectly. (I have been very careful for about a year now) I just want to be "bad"- and I am going overboard. I started tonight, I had a lean cuisine entree with a large side of broccoli.

My "90210 friends"

As I had posted about earlier, twice I had hung out with some trendy people. This was because of Kelsey, a bombshell who used to work at my airline. As I had written before, things felt a little false, and hanging out with them reminded me of how grateful I am to have true friends, but I still enjoyed being accepted by the scariest of scary groups- the trendy people.

Well at the last event I was telling the story of how my last two single friends left town, so I was so grateful to be going out. A girl named Jenn said we should hang out, and I was excited but tried to be cool about it, and we exchanged numbers.

So here's how I dealt with it...I suggested going out one night, she had a friend from "Cali" in town, and I just felt like I would be a third wheel. I found a way to back out when she said her friend would be coming in late, and said lets do it another time. Then I suggested happy hour this week, and we had plans, but she just texted me saying she has a headache- can we reschedule. I wrote back and said I have weekends off so text me when a day works for you. So I am officially off the hook. If she was sincere about wanting to hang out she can contact me, if she doesn't want to hang out, then I know for sure, without doing anything.

And where has Kelsey disappeared to? She sent me a text message saying "Sara and I were wondering if you know where to get the morning after pill?" I texted back "any pharmacy" and never heard from her again. I sent her a text inviting her to hang out with Jenn and I both times, and never heard a word. Then, I texted her asking the name of one of the guys we were with, and she never texted back.

In the long run, I am not missing out on a good friend in Kelsey, I was never under that illusion once I got to know her. It's so much better to be blown off impersonally than to have it happen in front of other people. I am very disappointed to lose the outlet of getting to see how the trendy people live, but her positive influence in my life has already taken hold, and with a vengeance. Being around her, and other people who take being beautiful very seriously, somehow made me feel okay about it. Do I feel it is important? No, it is only important in the way it makes you feel about yourself.

Ever since then I have been changing my life around- cleaning and shopping (within my means) a lot. Until being knocked down by Ashram last night, I have not felt down in the dumps for ages. And best of all, even after being "accepted" by the "in crowd" (or as Jane titled them- my "90210 friends") I knew who I really am, and who my true friends are- and those trendy people were NOT IT. I wouldn't say I was mocking them in my head, (maybe to my friends a little) but I was analyzing their choices, and feeling proud of mine. Well- except the choice of them going to the gym every day while I lay on my bed eating.

"The Herb" made everything ok

Last night I sat on my massage cushion and that helped my mood. I was sitting trying to think of what could make me feel better and I thought a man making out with me, saying I am really hot would help, but I probably wouldn't be in the mood because I was feeling so unsexy. Then when I imagined a backrub, and I knew that was what I needed. I sat on the cushion, and it really helped.

I took a valerian root pill to help me sleep better. I wondered why the heck I don't take them everyday I'm not working. If I don't have to get up in the morning then why not be sure I get a good nights sleep, and reset my schedule?

I did sleep well. I didn't wake up at 4AM like usual, and toss and turn for an hour, and I had no trouble falling asleep either, I didn't lay in bed thinking about how fat and ugly I felt at the moment. I just went to sleep, and stayed asleep.

Some good news when I got up. The scale has me at 2 pounds over my lowest weight this year. So I can feel confident that I look as good as I did when everything was going so well (Hell! Everything was going well when I was up 8 pounds) so i can just look forward to a good day, to picking myself back up and going back to the great mood I was in.

Turning the Computer OFF!

For the first time in over a month, I am back in front of my computer, looking at the same websites over and over. My new boost in self-esteem is fragile, and vulnerable, and Ashram knocked me down a few levels.

I am going to turn off my computer now. I am not going to slip back into that feeling. No man is allowed to do that to me!

Ashram,

You make me feel bad about myself. Not just today, consistently.

I no longer wish to be a part of a friendship with you. I choose only to allow people in my life who build me up, not knock me down.

I am sending you this e-mail, instead of just no longer answering your calls, so you can learn from it and learn to treat people differently.

Good luck in your life
Diana

I feel bad about myself right now

Ashram makes me feel bad about myself. I feel very anxious and upset right now, more than I have felt in a long time. I need to deep breathe and make this anxiety go away.

I was supposed to meet up with Ashram today or tomorrow, and so I was talking on the phone to him about it. I told him I forgot that we were getting together, so I ate dinner already. He asked what I ate and I told him I made a spaghetti sauce with lots of vegetables. He said "oh you are taking care of yourself now. You used to eat meat and tacos and now you are eating vegetables" Well first of all, I love vegetables, always have. And back when I hung out with him I was taking much better care of my health than I am now.

This isn't the first time he has made me feel bad. He seems to do it a lot. I guess I just let him back into my life because I didn't really care that much about him (probably because he makes me feel bad) and I just sort of kept him around because he was someone to kiss, and to distract me from missing Charles.

After he said that I said "Geez, you really know how to make a girl feel bad about herself" and he was obviously sorry, but the damage is done (and if it was the first time he hurt my feelings it would be forgiveable) After that he did not want me to get off the phone with him until I wasn't mad anymore, and so of course I just got more and more mad. I hung up on him, and then he called back and hung up on me. Now I have my phone turned off. I am not a person who hangs up on people, by the way.

I am dealing a little better now, but I guess me saying I don't care what he thinks is untrue. I care enough that I am very hurt. VERY hurt. The other time he did this I had pressed him to say he thinks I am pretty. Not because I am a person who needs to hear it, but because I knew he didn't, and I needed to confront him. He not only couldn't say he thinks I am pretty, he said "that shouldn't matter."

I know I am not ugly. I think I am fat, but many people think I am attractive, so there is no reason for me to kiss someone who doesnt. In fact, I think he thinks I am attractive, he just isnt willing to give me the power of complimenting me. He wants me to be insecure so I will think I have less options, and therefore want him more. If this sounds familiar to anyone, you are dealing with a future abuser.

I feel better, but less happy than I was feeling. I will send him an e-mail saying "I dont want to hang out anymore" and be done with him. Why an e-mail? I dont want any phone messages from him, and I want him to know exactly why I don't want to be friends, so he has the ability to change it if he wants to for the next person.

What a jerk!

Who is that fat girl?

I just saw pictures of Linda's wedding.

I'm fat. Very, very, fat.

Tomorrow is it. No more funny business. Back to weight watchers, back to working out.

I will miss his southern drawl

I made it to work. I didn't call in sick, I wasn't late, I made it, and I was tired but it was all good. I tell you what, except for the lack of sleep, I just love my job. It's just fun. Well, except for the lack of sleep and the money, but I shouldn't be complaining about that right now- although it's time for me to quit shopping, because my money is back to normal now (oops! I was going to put some aside to go to Bangladesh! I better get on that!)

So anyway it was a fun trip. I flew with a favorite pilot, who has been there from the beginning. He talks with a strong southern twang, and he talks a lot! It was fun. He is going to what I will call "the new base" because we are going to start flying for a new carrier. I will miss him. I miss a lot of the old pilots, because our airline is a regional, so it is only a stepping stone for pilots.

Today in the crew lounge was like being reunited with all the best of them. First let me mention the one I am in love with (which one? you ask) well I don't know what I called him, but he is my favorite. He just got engaged, but I know that he would be interested if he wasnt. It gives me hope. HE would totally be the one. Him and I were cracking up about "The pick up artist." Then there was a guy who sold me the PDA phone a few years ago. And my biking buddy, remember him? And vegetarian dreamboat pilot was there, and the Nigerian guy who has a crush on me and who volunteers for children. Was there anyone else there? I swear there was. I just looked like the most popular girl in school. Oh yeah, the older guy who makes me melt (GOD I CANT REMEMBER THE NAMES I MADE UP FOR THESE GUYS!)

Maybe the highlight of the week was singing in the plane. There were two times I was getting really worn out, so I was singing songs over the loudspeaker before the passengers came on. The captain was cheering me on, but you know what? I can never tell if he is sincere. I don't care. It really cheered me up. I just wanted to laugh and singing really does relieve stress.

And then at the end of the day I went to IKEA. But that's the end of my shopping for awhile. I can go to goodwill but thats it. I am down to the normal amount of money (except without credit card debt) so I want to keep it that way. I am happy I spent the money. When I started this blog I was unwilling to buy socks that cost more than a dollar a pair, so I wore greyed socks with all the elastic gone, I didn't feel I deserved any better. This month I have bought alot, but still (well) within reason. My most expensive purchase was probably a $30 pair of silver earrings.

I am giving myself an unintentional life makeover. I think that I know inside that I have changed for the better, and I am wanting to shed the depressed identity and replace it with a more current identity that reflects more accurately how I feel about myself.

Once again, I want all of you depressed people to hear me here I WAS AS DEPRESSED AS YOU ARE! I WANTED TO KILL MYSELF. YOU CAN BE THIS CONTENT TOO! Stay in therapy, learn to think positively, be your own best friend, and find a way to help others. It will happen. I was suicidal in 2002, so it took a few years, but like it says on the bottom of my blog, every little thing you do to be healthier adds up. You don't see it at first, but it is there, and the tiny pebbles add up, and one day, if you don't give up, you can be on solid ground, like I am.

Okay, enough complaining about not getting enough sleep- howabout I go to bed now?

Pick up Artist season 2 wingman auditions

I have the hardest life in the world

I am too tired to go to work tomorrow. I had the wedding 2 weeks ago. Then I had only 2 days off. Then I only had 2 days off this week. And tomorrow is a 9:35 show meaning I have to leave for work at 8AM.

I know you don't feel sorry for me. But I feel sorry for myself. 2 days off is just not enough. Even when I work 3 day trips I need 3 days off (though 3 day trips are much easier than 4 day trips)

I really have no reason to feel sorry for myself. I need to just go to bed. Here's the thing. I need clean undies and socks. But I didn't wash them. So now what? I can probably find some clean undies for tomorrow, and probably socks too, but then I need to wash them on my trip.

I suppose it's not all as bad as I am making it out to be. All I have to do is pack and I can go to bed.

And you know what? I just saw an old navy commercial where a lady wearing a sweater leaned over, about to kiss a boy. That sounds nice. I am glad that I gave myself a break in the boy dating department, but I could use a boy to kiss. HEY! Ashram is back from India. He is a great kisser! He gets on my nerves, but I like kissing him and he doesn't want to have sex, so he's a good victim. I will have to get a hold of him. Yay, I am happy to have an outlet for my sexual energy.

So what was my post about? Me whining about the fact that I only got 2 days off, when people in third world countries get no days off, and if they did, they wouldn't spend them shopping like I have the last two weekends.

Poor me, I have such a hard life. But WAAAAAAH! I just want one more day off. Or to at least sleep in, then get ready at 11 AM.

So how am I dealing with this issue? Staying awake later. UH! I think I should just go to bed, then get up in the morning and pack. That is a very risky plan. It is just begging to be late for work. GOD! Can I just call in sick? WAAAAH!

UPDATE: You can sleep tonight. I found 3 pairs of clean undies, and 3 pairs of clean socks. WOO HOO I am a lucky girl!

But I am shaking. I wonder if I had enough to eat today? I had enough calories but maybe not enough food. Or maybe I am making that up as an excuse to eat more today ;)

My Computer, and I, are back to life

I have so much to write, and on my newly repaired computer I could write for hours, but there is so much to say, too much, so I will just start from today.

I am just happy in my life. Very happy. No boyfriend, no big deal (though some sex would be REAL nice! Oh my god I miss it, and it's been a LONG time!) But minus the sex, just about everything is great.

I have gained back the 6 pounds I had lost, my room is still messy, but thats just things I will have to deal with I guess.

I just have energy (too much really!) so even though I am not everything I want to be, its no big deal, I have the energy to work towards it, I feel like I am moving forward.

I have been shopping (ALOT!) which is a GREAT sign. I have been checked for Bipolar disorder, and know that I don't have it, so this shopping I have been doing is a sign of health. I have been buying things for myself, meaning I find myself worthy of nice things. But, in spite of the amount of shopping I have been doing, I have practiced amazing restraint! See, my grandpa has decided to give me my mother's inheritance, and so he sends out money every year to shrink it down. Well he just sent out a check. (FYI, this contentment came BEFORE the check- cool huh?) I put most of the money to pay off my car (I only owe $2000 now!) paid off my credit card, and decided to allow myself $500 to buy clothes. I have been wearing mostly goodwill clothes for the past 5+ years so I have decided to upgrade my wardrobe to Target (hey big spender!)

Buying clothes for myself has been so fun. I have gotten very basic things, very simple style, with little trends mixed in to feel current. I have bought some very sexy heels, for wearing out, but I don't know how much more I will be going out, because I haven't heard from Kelsey in awhile. We'll see. Anyway, it feels so good to buy things, and to trust myself that I will not go overboard in spending, even when I have the money.

Really its like I'm becoming the old Diana again. And folks, I am talking REALLY old, like high school/early college Diana, one none of you ever knew. This Diana is bubbly, charasmatic, & sexy. Think Kelly Clarkson on her auditions for American Idol, or Heather Graham, maybe a little Drew Barrymore (who someone compared me to on the plane this week) I miss that Diana, and frankly, I thought she was gone forever, I thought the world killed her, and a sadder, more jaded Diana had taken over for good. Apparantly not.

Thing is too...this is big...I don't think I am going to get seriously depressed again soon. I really think that therapy made a BIG difference. I have not feared depression for months, and I used to fear it every time I was tired or crabby. Now I just say "Im tired" or "I feel crabby right now"

This isn't a very descriptive post, it's just where I am in my life right now. I had to break the seal and post something, because otherwise the pressure would get too big, and I wouldn't post anything.

Anyway- I am wishing you heath, and happiness. If you are feeling depressed right now, look at how healthy I am (happy- not manic) and know that I am just like you, and you will be happy again too. Just believe, be patient, and take care of yourself as best you can.

MWAH- love you

I am alive and well...

...but my computer is not. It has been shipped away to be repaired, and I have to face the fact that I cannot take it on trips anymore. It's just too delicate (and I am too indelicate)

Life has been a lot of fun. I have great stories to tell you involving a pompus independantly wealthy Willam Dafoe look alike, Mexican independance day celebrations, shopping, and the nature of friendship. But not today. Not for awhile I imagine. I hate the idea of living such a wonderful life, without recording (and sharing it with my fellow depression/social phobia/anxiety havers) but it has been good that I am away from the computer now. I have broken the bad habit of sitting in front of the computer for hours on end, and replaced it with an obsession for pringles and nut mixes on the plane.

Thats my life!

If I led with my heart...

...I would give it to Jeff.

JEFF! JEFF! JEFF! Corn fed white boy! Imprinted in my mind playing guitar for his little cousin when I was in high school. OH! As I expected, I dreamt of him last night.

Linda's wedding was last night. It went so well. My maid of honor speech went SO WELL! Imagine the most awesome speech, told by the most charasmatic person...that was my speech! It didn't sound that way when I was practicing, but somehow, when I stood up there, it came out great.

But an uncomfortable thing about going to Linda's wedding was her cousins Jeff and Jim would be there. Yeah, these boys are brothers, and I have kissed them both! (Springer anyone?)

When I was 13, and Jeff was 15 he yawned and stretched and put his arm around me. He was SOOOOO cute! Tall, blonde, with crooked teeth and a dorky smile. I wasn't as innocent as most 13 year olds, but my crush on him was, and despite my not admitting it to myself, the crush never went away.

Years later, when I was in college, his little brother Jim came on to me. I was dating an awful man, and had combined alcohol and marijuana, so I ended up making out with him, and with him falling asleep while it happened!!! Last year Jim got married (to a woman people say remind them of me!) and he and Jeff were at the wedding last night.

As we were getting ready for the service, I saw people approaching, and I didn't want to see either of them, and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw that Jeff was in the audience with a pretty blonde. I was so pissed off, and didn't look in his direction. And I wasn't looking forward to the reception, feeling self concious.

Kerry, one of the bridesmaids, had a fling with Jeff years later, so I kept talking about the two of us going up to him and making him uncomfortable, I also called him a slut. At one point I wondered, "where is this venom coming from? he's nice" and Kerry agreed. And I stopped talking smack.

I ignored him for most of the dinner portion, then I found a good chance to talk to him (when he wasn't with THAT GIRL) and I hugged him and acted like I was happy to see him. We chatted, and I said "exceptions" instead of "inspections." and chit chatted and left. I realized that the reason I was so mean was that childhood crush was still there.

Later I saw his (I guess their) sister, who loves me, and I knew I had to face Jim. Jim is even hotter than Jeff, he is a carpenter and looks like a straight up lumberjack, and his face really lit up when he saw me. I could have jumped on that lumberjack right then and there, but of course he's married, and come on now Diana.

So it felt great to get the discomfort and avoidance out of the way, and I got on with the night. While we were dancing, Jeff waved me over to a big group, I just smiled and didn't go, but soon I was dancing with him and Jim's wife, who has a bouncy and sassy personality. I liked being compared to her.

Unchained melody came on and Jeff asked me to dance. I felt 13 again and told him, and we reminiced and it was very nice dancing with him again. Then I danced with him again and saw a sangria in his hand- here's where head vs. heart comes in. Jeff's dad is an alcoholic. Many of Jeff & Linda's family are alcoholics, and Jeff...Jeff just got a DUI.

Jeff and Linda's family are very working class. They come from the country, from a racist asshole grandpa and many in the family are pretty screwed up. Linda has broken the mold, and I really thought Jeff would, but a DUI is not cool.

To add to that, according to Kerry, he doesn't just have a few drinks, he drinks until it's all gone. Supposedly he is in treatment now, but he obviously is drinking while in treatment. In his defense, he isn't driving a car right now, he uses a bike, and he says he only drinks on weekends, and not alone (though he used to) and I have a gut feeling that he could be, or become, an alcoholic.

I judge people who fall in love with the wrong guy, but OH CAN I SEE IT! I can't even say I COULD fall in love with him, because I feel like I ALREADY AM! Fortunately, when he said he wanted to see each other again, I said no. I think he can figure out why, because I was clear about my disappointment of seeing the drink in his hand. But non-verbally he knows I want him, the lingering looks, the huge smiles. He melts me, he is imprinted in my mind as what a boy should be, but we are adults now, and I unfortunately, I dont think he meets the standards of what a man should be.

To make it worse, Jeff and Linda's aunt (with whom I was whining about my single life weeks earlier) came up to me and said I shouldn't shoot Jeff down, "He's a 'nice' boy" to which I said "no he isn't" and she said with the right girl he would be. I escaped without jumping on him, but my heart hurts, I dreamt of him last night (which I knew I would) and I just want to fall into his adorable, blonde, farm-boy arms.

UH! I am swooning so much right now! I know I will be over him in a few days. Well, not "over" him, I haven't gotten "over" him even after 17 years, but I wont be obsessing over him at least soon. Right now I am so tired I could die, so hopefully once I have had some rest I will be able to think straight. I am proud I could think straight enough to keep my distance. My intuition is speaking to me LOUD AND CLEAR, if I were to be with Jeff, I would fall HARD, and I should (and do) know better than to fall for a heavy drinker.

...oh, and "THAT GIRL" he was with...his cousin!

I am sitting in a hotel lobby in my underwear

You read that right, I am sitting in the business center with my underwear on, and no pants. I have a tiny towel draped over my legs, but thats it.

(I wore them and a sports bra as a swimsuit)

Overcoming my fear

For the last two days I could not stop thinking about Friday night, and that Adam Levine looking boy. I spoke to Kelsey on the phone the next day and she said he kept talking about me. My intuition says he said, (in response to her asking "what did you think of Diana?") "I liked her, she is cool to talk to" and she made it sound to me that he was really into me. But she planted that seed in my head, and I remember that jealous look on his face when I started dancing with his friend, and my head kept thinking about him, and that crowd of people, and it was annoying.

I figured out why it is being accepted by them was so exciting for me. I am accepted by the friends I have, so why should being accepted by these people make me happy? It would be shallow and immature if I still want to be in the "in crowd" after all these years, because "the in crowd" is a stupid concept at our age. But I figured it out...I am elated because I am successfully overcoming another of my fears!

I think I wrote a post about my online date with the Librarian. I could tell immediately that he wasn't attracted to me so I tried to end the date early, but he kept extending it out. On the inside, we were a perfect match, but (besides his disintrest in me) I could tell he hung out with a trendy crowd, the trendy crowd scares me, so even if he did like me, this perfect match wouldn't work out, because I would me a nervous mess around his friends. Well I was right about him. He was at the bar that we all went to.

To be able to "go have drinks" is a skill that all people should have. It is a great networking and bonding tool to hang out with people you don't know yet, and their friends, and to be able to have fun and be a fun addition to the group. If I am scared in "certian groups" it hinders me, it limits the places I feel comfortable going, and the people I feel comfortable meeting. I have done such a great job in overcoming my social phobia, so it's very exciting, knowing how much I have changed, that I could overcome my fear of "the privledged people." <----that's what I'll call them, because what distinguishes them from everyone else is they are very good looking and moderately wealthy.

I am glad that I have come to this realization, because my excitement embarrassed me. I knew I wasn't shallow, but I was aware that my enthusiasm and desire for acceptance by them could be percieved as shallow.

Fortunatly I stopped obsessing, I started thinking about aid-work and felt like myself again.

Gotta run!

A chance to reinvent myself (or more accurately, be more myself)

I can't put it into words how good it feels to have been accepted last night by Kelsey and her friends. Here's what it feels like...I genuinely liked the people I hung out with, and they seemed to like me, and it was ME they liked. I was able to be totally myself. I talked about the libertarian scale that determines where you are politically, and globalism, and I wasn't looked at like a weirdo, nor were they pretentious and looking down on me for my giggles or drop-out credentials.

And, as a shallow bonus, They were all very good looking. I don't CARE that they are good looking, but having such great looking people accept me in their group felt like I was...I don't know why I liked it...I guess it made me feel good looking by-proxy. I also liked it because it makes me feel like I should be better looking. I should step up my game a little, because when you are attractive, it makes dating much more fun, because you can just accept that someone likes you, and have the confidence to flirt and be outgoing (you should see Kelsey in action, she knows her power- and she enjoys wielding it)

Last night two furloughed flight attendants were there, and after we went dancing (according to one of the guys, I was getting attention from my dancing) they wanted to hang out with me again! So I now have a chance to start building up my social life, and not with people I don't like, with people who like to dance, & who dont look at me weird when I talk about politics.

Here is my chance to be the true me. I want to be a person who works on campaigns, does volunteer work, is genuinely friendly, and likes to dance and flirt. I have been so shy about the last part, because I am insecure (& judgemental about trendy people.) But here's my chance to be brave enough to be my true self, and to challenge myself to be my best, like I did when I was in college.

And this Adam Levine look alike. Him and I had a flirtation going on! He was Hottie McHotness! My gut told me he wasn't trustworthy, but his 2 friends were, turns out they all have girlfriends but are looking for something better. Dicks. But it sure was fun flirting and dancing with all of them. I had the greatest time.

Today was not real...I think ist was all a movie!

So you read my post about wanting to be a housewife, and considering getting back with Charles, in order to have that. Well, I got an e-mail from Charles this morning, with his "good news" he took a year long position in Kenya!

To add to it, I learned today that Carrie is pregnant, and Jane is pregnant with twins! WHAT? This isn't real, it's a movie! I took it well, but wasn't as excited as I should have been. I regret that, but I am glad I didn't get too depressed and grumpy.

So tonight was as much of a movie as life could be! You know that hotness guy I went on a date with, who was not attracted to me, but I hit it off with, and I tried to end the date early but he kept extending it out? He was at the bar I went to with Kelsey (did I mention she looks like a model, and was wearing a teensy dress?) anyway I said hi to him and felt awkward for awhile. But then we went dancing...

Oh god, I cant write anymore. Its almost 5 am. Can I just tell you, I danced sexy with this guy who was like a tall Adam Lavine, and when I danced with someone else, I swear he was jealous. And then I sat up talking with him for like an hour, without and everyone went to bed without us noticing. (and while I think there was chemistry [he said I was pretty!] nothing would ever happen between us. I am far too insecure)

And one of the guys said I was getting a lot of positive attention at the dance club (unbenownsed to me) and did I mention there were fireman involved?

I cant write any more about this night. It was just fun, no making out, just flirting, and these people were all so cool (and smart) and I really think they liked me.

Today was NOT REAL! Nothing that happened today seemed real. It was all a movie. Yes, I DIRTY DANCED WITH AN ADAM LEVINE LOOKALIKE WHO SAID I WAS PRETTY, AND MY FRIENDS ARE PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME! Maybe I am still asleep.

I hope to hang with them again. I liked them.