Monday, September 03, 2007

Overcoming my fear

For the last two days I could not stop thinking about Friday night, and that Adam Levine looking boy. I spoke to Kelsey on the phone the next day and she said he kept talking about me. My intuition says he said, (in response to her asking "what did you think of Diana?") "I liked her, she is cool to talk to" and she made it sound to me that he was really into me. But she planted that seed in my head, and I remember that jealous look on his face when I started dancing with his friend, and my head kept thinking about him, and that crowd of people, and it was annoying.

I figured out why it is being accepted by them was so exciting for me. I am accepted by the friends I have, so why should being accepted by these people make me happy? It would be shallow and immature if I still want to be in the "in crowd" after all these years, because "the in crowd" is a stupid concept at our age. But I figured it out...I am elated because I am successfully overcoming another of my fears!

I think I wrote a post about my online date with the Librarian. I could tell immediately that he wasn't attracted to me so I tried to end the date early, but he kept extending it out. On the inside, we were a perfect match, but (besides his disintrest in me) I could tell he hung out with a trendy crowd, the trendy crowd scares me, so even if he did like me, this perfect match wouldn't work out, because I would me a nervous mess around his friends. Well I was right about him. He was at the bar that we all went to.

To be able to "go have drinks" is a skill that all people should have. It is a great networking and bonding tool to hang out with people you don't know yet, and their friends, and to be able to have fun and be a fun addition to the group. If I am scared in "certian groups" it hinders me, it limits the places I feel comfortable going, and the people I feel comfortable meeting. I have done such a great job in overcoming my social phobia, so it's very exciting, knowing how much I have changed, that I could overcome my fear of "the privledged people." <----that's what I'll call them, because what distinguishes them from everyone else is they are very good looking and moderately wealthy.

I am glad that I have come to this realization, because my excitement embarrassed me. I knew I wasn't shallow, but I was aware that my enthusiasm and desire for acceptance by them could be percieved as shallow.

Fortunatly I stopped obsessing, I started thinking about aid-work and felt like myself again.

Gotta run!

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