Sunday, September 09, 2007

If I led with my heart...

...I would give it to Jeff.

JEFF! JEFF! JEFF! Corn fed white boy! Imprinted in my mind playing guitar for his little cousin when I was in high school. OH! As I expected, I dreamt of him last night.

Linda's wedding was last night. It went so well. My maid of honor speech went SO WELL! Imagine the most awesome speech, told by the most charasmatic person...that was my speech! It didn't sound that way when I was practicing, but somehow, when I stood up there, it came out great.

But an uncomfortable thing about going to Linda's wedding was her cousins Jeff and Jim would be there. Yeah, these boys are brothers, and I have kissed them both! (Springer anyone?)

When I was 13, and Jeff was 15 he yawned and stretched and put his arm around me. He was SOOOOO cute! Tall, blonde, with crooked teeth and a dorky smile. I wasn't as innocent as most 13 year olds, but my crush on him was, and despite my not admitting it to myself, the crush never went away.

Years later, when I was in college, his little brother Jim came on to me. I was dating an awful man, and had combined alcohol and marijuana, so I ended up making out with him, and with him falling asleep while it happened!!! Last year Jim got married (to a woman people say remind them of me!) and he and Jeff were at the wedding last night.

As we were getting ready for the service, I saw people approaching, and I didn't want to see either of them, and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw that Jeff was in the audience with a pretty blonde. I was so pissed off, and didn't look in his direction. And I wasn't looking forward to the reception, feeling self concious.

Kerry, one of the bridesmaids, had a fling with Jeff years later, so I kept talking about the two of us going up to him and making him uncomfortable, I also called him a slut. At one point I wondered, "where is this venom coming from? he's nice" and Kerry agreed. And I stopped talking smack.

I ignored him for most of the dinner portion, then I found a good chance to talk to him (when he wasn't with THAT GIRL) and I hugged him and acted like I was happy to see him. We chatted, and I said "exceptions" instead of "inspections." and chit chatted and left. I realized that the reason I was so mean was that childhood crush was still there.

Later I saw his (I guess their) sister, who loves me, and I knew I had to face Jim. Jim is even hotter than Jeff, he is a carpenter and looks like a straight up lumberjack, and his face really lit up when he saw me. I could have jumped on that lumberjack right then and there, but of course he's married, and come on now Diana.

So it felt great to get the discomfort and avoidance out of the way, and I got on with the night. While we were dancing, Jeff waved me over to a big group, I just smiled and didn't go, but soon I was dancing with him and Jim's wife, who has a bouncy and sassy personality. I liked being compared to her.

Unchained melody came on and Jeff asked me to dance. I felt 13 again and told him, and we reminiced and it was very nice dancing with him again. Then I danced with him again and saw a sangria in his hand- here's where head vs. heart comes in. Jeff's dad is an alcoholic. Many of Jeff & Linda's family are alcoholics, and Jeff...Jeff just got a DUI.

Jeff and Linda's family are very working class. They come from the country, from a racist asshole grandpa and many in the family are pretty screwed up. Linda has broken the mold, and I really thought Jeff would, but a DUI is not cool.

To add to that, according to Kerry, he doesn't just have a few drinks, he drinks until it's all gone. Supposedly he is in treatment now, but he obviously is drinking while in treatment. In his defense, he isn't driving a car right now, he uses a bike, and he says he only drinks on weekends, and not alone (though he used to) and I have a gut feeling that he could be, or become, an alcoholic.

I judge people who fall in love with the wrong guy, but OH CAN I SEE IT! I can't even say I COULD fall in love with him, because I feel like I ALREADY AM! Fortunately, when he said he wanted to see each other again, I said no. I think he can figure out why, because I was clear about my disappointment of seeing the drink in his hand. But non-verbally he knows I want him, the lingering looks, the huge smiles. He melts me, he is imprinted in my mind as what a boy should be, but we are adults now, and I unfortunately, I dont think he meets the standards of what a man should be.

To make it worse, Jeff and Linda's aunt (with whom I was whining about my single life weeks earlier) came up to me and said I shouldn't shoot Jeff down, "He's a 'nice' boy" to which I said "no he isn't" and she said with the right girl he would be. I escaped without jumping on him, but my heart hurts, I dreamt of him last night (which I knew I would) and I just want to fall into his adorable, blonde, farm-boy arms.

UH! I am swooning so much right now! I know I will be over him in a few days. Well, not "over" him, I haven't gotten "over" him even after 17 years, but I wont be obsessing over him at least soon. Right now I am so tired I could die, so hopefully once I have had some rest I will be able to think straight. I am proud I could think straight enough to keep my distance. My intuition is speaking to me LOUD AND CLEAR, if I were to be with Jeff, I would fall HARD, and I should (and do) know better than to fall for a heavy drinker.

...oh, and "THAT GIRL" he was with...his cousin!

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