Friday, May 13, 2005

Ich bin ein Berliner

I am in El Paso. It was 86 degrees today. The pilots and I went to the pool, layed around and talked for hours. It was absolutely beautiful. Then an hour or so ago we went to a cute tex-mex-TGIFridays type of place and I had delicious tamales and flan.

I have thought of him (The Beautiful German) quite a few times. It has been about a month exactly. I met him on a flight here, the only other time I had been to El Paso. Every wall reminds me of how it felt to meet him.

I know how this sounds..."she is this hung up on a one night stand?" No, foolishly or not I was not thinking it would be a one night stand. I knew we could not have a relationship, but I assumed we would begin a friendship (every word I type keeps feeling tremendously cliche)

I first layed eyes on him as he entered the plane. He looked alot like David Arquette. Really scruffy, really laid back, he was dressed in the most casual baggy clothes. I kid you not, I looked at him and thought "see, THATS the kind of guy you would want as a boyfriend" He looked like someone fun to be with.

Himself and a very artsy looking guy were sitting in the far back that didn't recline. I asked if they wanted the emergency exit row. I can't remember what he said, but a moment later I felt compelled to go mess with them. I assumed they were british for some reason. When I heard him speak I said "Your German!- I love Germany"

I told him the cities I had been to including Weimar. He said it was a very interesting city and asked me if I had fun there. I said absolutely not (I went to visit the concentration camp there) He sounded almost apologetic as he told me he liked the city, I said "I think it's good to see the positive things about regimes/people who have done horrible things...if you only see the bad you can point the finger and say 'look what those bad people did' if you see everything bad and good, you can relate to them, so you can see that those things can happen in the present too" (It sounded better when it came out of my mouth than on here) he said "Oh my god I think I love you- that is like the smartest thing I have ever heard" Being called beautiful is nice, but having my intelligence or character complimented just melts me and- I was his.

I was cool, I left soon after and didn't crowd him. But during the beverage service I leaned in and said "This is the flight attendant call button, if you want more coffee use this and I'll bring it to you" he said "Oh I would never do that, but I would use it hoping you would come and chat" I said yay and went to talk with him after I was done with my work stuff.

It wasn't magical, it was feet-on-the-ground. He was really relaxed and funny. I didn't feel infatuation about a man, I felt connection with a human. We saw eye to eye on many things, and talked about things of substance. He was in El Paso working on a project documenting something about the criminal justice system in El Paso/Juarez and didn't tell me much, which was okay with me because I assumed I would see the final product.

The things going through my head were these:
1. THIS is what it feels like! The feeling I had was one that could be the foundation to build a healthy relationship on- not a feeling I am struck with often.
2. One exists! I SINCERELY have considered that maybe there is no-one compatible with me. Whether you consider me fabulous or rediculous, no one would say I am not unique. I have wondered maybe if my life has just been too wierd, and that there is no way to find a lid that fits this pot.
3. He lives in Berlin. I am not going to be able to have a serious relationship with this particular man, it's just not realistic. If anything happens, I have to know it's not forever. I need to go into this with my eyes open.
4. Best of all- I have been blessed by meeting this man. He was an announcement from the universe..."STOP CONFORMING!" The more successful I am at fitting into a role that is not authentically me...the less likely I will be able to connect with a person who would fit the TRUE me, if I ever were to meet him. In fact, he felt a little out of my league. He was comfortable in his skin, and able to be real- even if real is a little scruffy. I am still trapped in a mindset of how I should be, and felt very phony next to him (but in a good way- like "Woman! Be yourself! That is when you are at your best!"

We agreed to have coffee after the flight. (I also let him know I was looking forward to giving him a smooch) He called the hotel and told me the coffee shop was closed, he asked me if I wanted to have breakfast in the morning, or hang out at the hotel and make out. (Alluding to a previous topic of discussion- not as skeezy as it sounds) I of course opted for the make out. He came over and we drank coffee on the patio. There was a prom going on and two adorable (out in high school- WOW!) girls asked us to take their picture, it was just nice.

We went to the hotel room to make out, but it accelerated to sex (of course.) The whole thing was very awkward and mediocre. After a medium length of time he came, apoligized, and promised he would do it again. (Fine with me...the first time is for him, the second for me) A while later I "expressed my appreciation" of him and cuddled and talked for a bit. Then he said he wanted to go to sleep! WHAT????? Can you say blue balls people?!?!?!?! I am not sure how I reacted, but I am sure I looked upset. Being, um, neglected, especially if the fire has been lit, makes me feel like a 3 year old who doesn't get candy. (I was familiar with this feeling from living with Haseem) I rolled next to him and said firmly in his ear "that is fine- but you are going to fuck me in the morning." Besides Haseem of course, that sort of statement can usually get me results. He said "I don't respond well to authority." ????! I can't remember the rest of the discussion, but I was sure he would in the morning. I didn't sleep much (coffee at night) and woke just at the right time to fit another round in before he had to leave. I thought I could wake him up with my hand, but nothing. When he did finally wake up he didn't even get morning wood...I didn't even know that was possible. I was frustrated to say the least (and felt a bit rejected) But sex wasn't all I was into him for.

At breakfast, he suggested we could maybe meet in a US city. I have also really wanted to travel abroad lately and said I would consider Germany again soon. We kissed goodbye, and I felt we would speak again. I emailed him a few days later, told him I enjoyed the time we spent, and that I looked forward to looking at his project/ other work. He wrote back saying "Kisses K...Will get back to you soon" I thought it was very sweet. I knew he was wrapping the project right now, and just appreciated the note that he was too busy.

But that was it. It has been a month now and nothing. I am trying to make a point to really feel the disappointment. I can see that that is what I skip over with guys. I don't let myself feel the disappointment, I just try to move on, but that disappointment builds and builds, just like anger or sadness.

It was eye-opening to have the one-night-stand with Detroit man. I could see that TBG and I were not in-tune sexually. At first I thought I was too agressive and scared him off, then I thought he was selfish and didn't "get the job done" but now as I look back we were on different sexual wavelengths. He was very slow and sensual. Taking every moment in, very tactile. I was agressive and passionate. Primal. Both mindsets are sexy, but at the same time neither of us were satisfied, and the fact that neither of us tuned into the other suggests sexual incompatibility.

I am contemplating writing him. As Friends. The main reason is I want to know about the El Paso/Juarez project. I could get this info by Googling his name but I actually, out of respect, don't want to be behind his back like that. Who thinks I should? I shouldn't should I? I will leave the computer until tomorrow to prevent doing anything impulsive.

mood: sun-shiny (or should I say SOL-ly)


takume13954 said...

Before you decide to look it up...ask yourself what is your real motive behind this? It seems like you met a guy who, while he seemed to be great, wasn't the kind of guy that would write you back. I'm not sure of the backround regarding the "El Paso/Juarez project" but if its something your interested in on its own, then there's no harm in sending out a google responce.

SpiderSolitaire said...

Ok, love me for this after you finish reading it... remember we promised to be blunt (and I have done so many one night stands, this is what I have come to believe)...
let's face it, men are not nearly as emotional as women. Not at all. So, trying my best to have a man's mind, here is what he was thinking... "hey, this chick is cool as hell, I'd like to hang out with her. Ha! We'll kiss, she's sarcastic, funny, and cool! Hey, we click, she's cool to hang out with here, but let's be realistic, I live in Germany, she's a US fun time. Hey, I hit it, ok, that was cool, had a good trip. I will be pleasant, we had fun together. Maybe in a different time, a different place it could have been more, but again... I live in Germany. It's pussy, I'm a guy, I think nothing of what she may be thinking & if I do, she's some chick I barely know, it's not going to hurt me if she ends up hating me. So, I'll do the minimum & live on. But, she was cool."
Whatcha think? Love you! I'd write you non-stop! Besides, I paid him not to write you because you have to move to TX, Germany is out of the question!
How bout we make a deal... no more first-date sex with people you meet on planes... I'm worried about your safety hun. As someone who relates to you so much, especially on this topic, can we try? It just seems you are so often let down sexually & emotionally by these guys & my hit list is getting too long. Besides w/ one night stands people are less likely to mention std's, etc., makes me nervous for you, tell me what ya think...

Diana Crabtree said...

Spider, I love blunt. And I agree with you.

Just to be clear...unless you include the leg humping I have been celibate since last winter.

I had made the decision to only have sex with worthy people, even though it meant depriving myself- because the worthy are few and far between LOL.

Talking to TBG was the most wonderful thing, in spite of the distance, I could not think of anyone more worthy.

Mr. Detroit was certianly for the wrong reasons, but turned out well.

This won't be a habit. Also, I ALWAYS use condoms (even with boyfriends- I will until I am married) but you are right, it still puts me in danger...condoms could break and I could get raped or hurt, thank you for the reminder (and for the caring)

I am not willing to make a commitment that I won't do it again, not because I plan to, but because I don't like to make promises unless I am 100% sure I will keep them.

I do promise, however, that I will continue to examine my behavior, and discuss it with the therapist (she says it will go away if I am aware of my motives)

This year has been one disappointment after another, after another, after another. I had put up with this many disappointments in such a short amount of time, I at least deserved to get laid once or twice!

Diana Crabtree said...


My motive really is to see the project, but your point is a good one because his project will not exist in a vaccum, he will be attached to it.

Thanks for the comment, even if you had ulterior motives in writing it ;)