Last night, and my friends' house, I couldn't sleep. Yes, I was cold, yes I was hungry, but the real reason I couldn't sleep is I did a silly silly thing and had caffeine after 6PM.
I decided to be nice to myself and not think to myself "that was stupid" I decided to treat myself as a traumitized child and think, "I'm not mad at you, but please pay attention to the consequence of the choice you made" I also chose to see the positive side of that mistake: I had alot of time to reflect, and I did quite a bit of reflecting, in my friends' home, which put my eyes on the prize.
There are too many topics I came up with (I'll write about them- for sure) but one stands out. Dr. T, like the whole world, said in my last session "Imagine your sexuality is your most precious treasure...you wouldn't wan't to give that to just anyone would you?" Well I have heard that before, and my response is "Sure it's my most precious treasure, but why should I punish MYSELF because I haven't found someone worthy?" After "getting some" I feel really alive and awake, like a weight is off my shoulders, this mood makes me attractive, and I am more likely to meet quality people. So what sense would it be to withold this from myself?
Dr. T. said it sounds like the problem is not the feeling that sex gives me, it's that I am not getting that feeling from other parts of my life.
This all-business strategy didn't work, or maybe it did, it's "Mal-adaptive behavior that has worked for me, so I continue it" <----- Dr. T says that alot. I am seeing that all work and no play makes Diana a dull girl, but also something worse- nuts. There is a lot of painful things I am going to have to do in therapy, but it's exciting to know that one thing I am going to have to change about myself is allow myself to have more fun! To enjoy myself more!
Something I thought about while lying in bed is that I wished I was home. Why? I spend so many of my days off at home while other people are living their lives. I need solitude, I am part introvert, but sitting at home for 3 days, which sounds like heaven to me, is not giving me what I am hoping it will.
I think I am eager to stay at home for a string of days because I am chasing the possibility I might relax. Every now and then, when I haven't spoken to anyone for a few days, I relax, and when I am relaxed I can accomplish amazing things. My behavior is like a gambling addiction, I keep playing and losing, with the hopes/reinforcement of winning now and then. Every 10 times I stay home a long time I get that relaxation effect, (which feeds my association- solitude=relaxation) but problem is, the other nine times the excess solitude becomes isolation and lonliness, not relaxation. This point is going in a number of directions, but there is action I would like to take right away, striking while the iron is hot if you may.
Since starting this blog, I have logged TONS of time on the computer. Sometimes (most of the time, I will spend 1-2 hours on a single post.) I think every second I am writing is a second well spent. If I gained 5 pounds from sitting and writing so much, I would think it was absolutely worth it.
I also spend alot of time reading and commenting on other blogs. I think this is also time well spent. I think it has been very good for me to be able to communicate with such open-ness, a way people don't communicate with each-other in person. And it is a blessing to be able to turn my personal pain into a source of insight that allows me to help others. But there is a very unhealthy way I spend my time online, and that is mindlessly/obsessively checking for updated blogs.
I used to do this with my e-mail. I would check it and check it, sometimes every 10 minutes. It is like the gambling addiction again, I keep checking, and every few times I am rewarded by an e-mail, continuing the behavior. Thank God for Yahoo messenger...because now all I need to do to check my mail is peek at the computer. I do it alot, but peeking is a lot less disruptive than sitting down, opening the page, and entering my password.
With the blogs this unhealthy behavior is showing itself. I check and check and check my favorite blogs for updates when I feel like reading a blog. I have witnessed myself going through a cycle of 5-10 blogs, and then starting over again! This could be 5 minutes later! (very embarrasing- but thats the point, I would like this to change)
On the flipside, there are sites I love visiting, but who's authors don't update often. Since a site update is the gambling equivilent of a "win" I check these sites less often, and then I miss out when they HAD in fact updated.
So the action I want to take is set up a site feed reader- the blog equivelent of Yahoo! messenger. Please offer advice if you know of good ones (online based please- I have a Macintosh OS 9.2)
I have successfully subscribed to one of my favorites that I check obsessively- Kill The Goat But alot of you others do not allow site feed subscriptions. So, if you want me to have more joy in my life, please go under "SETTINGS"- choose "SITE FEED" and Where it says "publish site feed?" select yes.
If you don't it means you don't want my happiness. (heaven forbid I set actual limits on myself)