I have an assignment from Dr. T that I should reflect on my behavior with men, what led to it, and why I continue it. I haven't wanted to, why? Because the most logical behavior to reflect on first would be my behavior this week.
What is causing me such distress? Was he a jerk? Did he degrade me? Did I fall for him and he feel indifferent towards me? None of these, he was a lovely, kind man. And I think he is interested in persuing something. Now why wouldn't I be interested in persuing something with a kind, caring man who is great in the sack? This is what was freaking me out...there was one answer that kept coming back...haunting me...that I am a disgusting racist.
To avoid coming to such a sickening conclusion I avoided thinking about the topic, he of course had to call, and be all sweet and stuff. And of course I had to keep walking past the sweet rose he got me, quite out of the ordinary from a one-night-stand. So I tried to put my mind off of it. One thing that came into my head was joining a gym...If I am stuck with the figure of Jennifer Lowenstien instead of Jennifer Lopez at least I can look like her after a few minutes on an eliptical trainer. While thinking about the gym I thought about a classmate of mine that works there...and how I want to be cute when I go sign up. And he is also black! So I am so pleased! I am not unfairly predjudiced about a person for the color of their skin, something there is nothing wrong with! I am only unfairly predjudiced against a person's economic and cultural background, something there is nothing wrong with! Wow I sure feel better about myself now!
I have dated men from many cultures, including men with African or African-American heritage, but never a man from working-class black culture. I have all sorts of reasons why I never have. The number one is the power dynamic between white Americans and black Americans is too loaded with baggage. My brain is also warped from the racist stereotypes of working class black men I developed through unpleasant interactions with kids from rough backgrounds in my high school, and from mysogynistic rap lyrics.
I used to be an elitist, but I never thought this bad. He is smart, he is just uneducated. And I don't think it is because of a character flaw in him, I think of it as a flaw of our funding inner city schools. I feel like if I were to be in a successful relationship with him, one of us would have to change. Is that fair to expect a guy to become bouggie? He is beautiful as he is. But he wouldn't fit in well with white culture, and I would not want to have to live 100% in working class black culture.
I don't know what I am apoligizing for, sometimes someone isn't right for you (he didn't vote in 2004!) but would I feel the same about him if he was white? Well, actually yeah.
So how do I let a honey like this down without hurting him? He is a prize! He shouldn't change! He's just not for me :)
mood: liberal white guilt