Friday, May 27, 2005

Anatomy of an abusive relationship- Part 1

Last night, I stooped lower than I had in a long time...I watched Howard Stern. I usually can't. I can't tolerate mocking the disabled, and I swear everytime I pass his show while changing the channels, there is some developmentally or physically disabled person being teased like the show is a fifth grade classroom, but last night, he had on Chyna Doll, a former wrestler who was on VH1's "surreal life" (some people smoke, some people drink, I watch reality TV) And I REALLY wanted to see it.

On the show and on the Howard Stern show she was a mess, and part of the reason I am sure she put herself there was because she was (probably will remain) in an abusive relationship. The abused usually stay. To say this is insane is not far off, what happens in these situations is brainwashing, like Heaven's Gate. Or actually, its stockholm syndrome, where you start to believe your captors are on your side.

I have told my beloved Spidey that I have never been in an abusive relationship, but that is only because I left before the hitting started. You can see the signs, "red flags" the women who ignore these signs are women who's boundaries were violated young (sexual and/or physical abuse) so they have lost touch with what it feels like to have their boundaries respected, and/or their fathers were absent and/or distant, so the abused will cling on to any amount of attention they receive, because they are starved for it. My friend Andi was murdered by her abuser, this is something that hurts and shocks me, especially since I know I am not immune.

In all my depression and stress over being ditched by my flight crew last week (resolved by the way) I didn't write about my more recent visit with the Detroit man. He called me yesterday, I didn't pick up. I don't intend to. The evening we met he was intelligent and vulnerable. Last week he was such a dick I can't believe it's the same guy!

I saw that I was overnighting in Detroit. I had Howard Zinn's "People's History of the United States" (basically a history book that attempts to record actual history, in all of its ugliness) I had initially bought it for an Iraqi neighbor who had kindly given me a favorite book that I lost, but with the war I decided it could only fuel anti-American feelings in him so decided against it. Detroit seemed like the perfect person to give it to. He was poorly educated but obviously smart and thoughtful. I thought it was perfect. I called him telling him I would be in town, and would he like to have a clean cut evening, to go get some ice cream. I had to tell him it was the time of the month to get him to stop pushing the issue, (it was true) but I didn't care, I wasn't planning on sleeping with him again and so it shut him up without me having to say I dont like him "that way."

So in the van I introduced him to my crew as my buddy, and chatted with him, said "so I was thinking we should go get some ice cream after your shift and I will give you the book then" there was more useless banter- who knows what the fuck it was. But we agreed, and he was off at 10.

Around 9:45 I wanted to cancel, I was tired and had 2 hard days ahead of me. But I knew that would be rude of me, it would only be an hour, and besides, I hadn't had dinner and I was starving. At 10:15 he called saying he wanted to go home and shower and change. I tried to convince him he doesn't have to look pretty, just to turn his uniform shirt inside out (hell I was wearing mine) and lets go. He was adamant, I was annoyed but assumed he wouldnt be more than a half hour.

At 11:15 I called him, he had just gotten out of the shower. He told me he "had to take care of some things" first. I was getting so annoyed at this point. I decided to wait downstairs and blog on his ass. LOL. I finally decided fuck him. I was going to meet him there, it was getting out of hand. I arrived at Big Boy at about 12AM. I contemplated waiting to order, and realized hell no. I sensed I could be finished eating by the time he actually arrived and guess what...I was.

When I arrived, some sweet bus boy said I had a beautiful smile. The host agreed and gushed on me for a glorious minute saying "we havent gotten alot of smiles like yours today, please come here every day" It was very sweet, and so validating to me.

He finally arrived at 12:30. He was dressed all in blue (funny- he was dressed all in blue the night I met him too.) When he arrived I kindly but assertively told him I had to be in bed by 1. Things (him) were just wierd the whole time. He said some wierd ass thing like he didn't want to go get ice cream but I never gave him the chance. That is insane. I was asking him for his input!

We were sitting in a section of the resturaunt with nobody around us, and he kept interrupting me and saying "why are you talking so loud?" at the same time he is nearly whispering all of his words. I did say that I work on an airplane, which is true, and I probably speak in too loud of a voice, but in this particular situation didn't matter, because there was no-one around to hear me anyway. I made this point "who exactly am I bothering?" and gestured to the empty seats. He said "look at you your so dramatical" yes, I remember him saying dramatical.

We spoke of the book and politics/history in general, I started to enjoy myself and brought up how I regularly get frustrated by a specific point we were discussing. Just as I was enjoying myself he told me I shouldn't let this stuff get to me, not in a caring way- in a way like "you deal with this wrong" my favorite part of that statement is that it came from a man who self medicates with Marijuana! LMAO!

He was so irritating. He had this stupid "cool guy" front on that embarrased me frankly. He was even in a hurry to drop me off at the hotel (I was glad- but pissed off- I could have just left the book at the front desk! I missed out on a lot of sleep while he was "taking care of a few things" When we got in the car there were 2 roses, I smiled and joked that "you silly- you left your girlfriends roses in the car when you knew I would be in it" that idiot took me seriously (hmmmmm, defensive- something to hide?)

He called yesterday morning and left the stupidest message. He could have said "I was just calling to see what you were up to" but instead he stretched it out. God I wished I saved that message so I could have written what he had said verbatim. It sounded like a parody you see on comedy sketch shows it was so dumb. I don't intend to remain friends with him, and in my next post I will explore the red flags that most people, but not all, can see would lead eventually to abuse.

Side note: I got my hair cut too short. I didn't know it was possible that anyone could look so wholesome. Yesterday I looked like the cute tomboy in the 80's sitcoms that loved the boy, and he could barely tell he was a girl. Oh well, it'll grow.

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