Monday, May 09, 2005

Prostitutes, Strippers and other women who love men

Yeah men- lets talk about something you like. Prostitutes, Strippers and other women who just LOVE men and sex! Dr. T studied women who work in the sex industry and said some really high statistic of women in these industries were abused and do it for POWER. (and they hate you know this don't you?)

She is the perfect person to do my therapy. I am not dissappointed about my recent bad behavior, I learned alot so I am glad I did it, but I realize it could become addictive and could interfere with me having what I really am starting to want...a relationship. What did she say in response to my confession of a second one night stand in a month... "alot of women who have one night stands have alot of anger towards men"

This is no secret to me. I am an admitted sexist, I know it is wrong, I know that it hurts me and others, but I don't know how to fix it. Usually in therapy, or during anything that has to do with analyzing me I am so on top of things, but this topic makes me flustered, it makes me feel vulnerable and not in control. When she described the research she did on sex industry workers it made me cry. Sexual acting out for them is a way to regain control, which was once taken away from them. My response was this is certianly true, but now what? How do I change this? My views are predjuced and wrong, and my awareness of this is not making it go away.

Her assignment is reflection. Find what led to and what contributes to this thinking and behavior. She says once I realize my motives, that I wont want to do it anymore (that makes sense- It's sexy to think "I am doing this because I love sex SOO much" so I will do it. "I am doing this because I want male attention and I am too wimpy to allow myself to be vulnerable to someone in a REAL relationship so I will trade in fulfilling loving sex for cold distant sex in order to maintian the illusion of control" well thats a bit less arousing and pretty sad, and acts as a turn-off/buzz-kill)

Before I start in on my months and months of reflection on sex and gender relations I am going to relax and digest the pizza I just ate in order to maintian my Jennifer Lowenstien figure.

By the way, exactly one month ago was my experience with The Beautiful German. and I have heard nothing. Dr. T made me laugh out loud when she sort of rolled her eyes and said "'kisses' isnt that perfect" as in the perfect blow off. Be proud of me people, I am going to be in El Paso twice this month, but I am not going to tell him. I also have not, and will not, Google his name. Who cares? I have gotten something from him, knew what I was getting myself into, and so have nothing to feel bad about. If he wanted more he would have contacted me, and that is just as much his loss as mine. (Enjoying a man who gave me 6 times what TBG gave me has been VERY helpful in putting things in perspective)

mood: nausea (pizza)

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