Thank you you beauties for your sweet comments. Loser captian wasn't the cause of it, he was the straw that broke the camel's back (well he was the second to last straw...the party was the last straw)
The really good news is the whole time I knew I was thinking irrationally. If a schitzophrenic knows that the dancing purple monkeys aren't real, they are much more likely to be healed. I knew my thinking was sick. Since the therapist suggested I increase my medication dosage I took an extra pill today. I know this is safe because the dosage I was taking is only a starter dosage, most people take more in the first place. I took it so I would have the energy to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and make it through the birthday party without ruining all of my friend's time (my friends threw me a party- and I am depressed- obviously the depression is chemical, not environmental.) I asked my sister Linda to stop at a coffee shop, where I got a strong drink. I was back to humanity in 45 minutes (Linda and my friend Carrie were so good to me! Linda was supportive, Carrie said, "you can be in your black hole if you want" which made me laugh and take it all less seriously.)
And thats the other good news, I have had the courage to show my sickness to my friends. For years I have hidden it (Linda grew up with me, so she saw more of it, but I still tried to hide it) Today I finally showed them the ugliest truth, and I am so glad I did.
At the party my friend's 5 year old son made a "pin the Diana to the airplane and the parachute" which was alot of laughs. Linda and I had burritos, and there were nachos at the party, and then the 5 year old had made me an ice cream cake :) Linda and I played connect four with the 5 year old, and watched his wheels turn as we went over strategy. And when he went to bed we drank daquris (not willing to spell it right) and played a card game from college called "Pit"
I feel sick as hell- but fortunately its a fun kind of sick.
Thanks again y'all