Saturday, May 28, 2005

Part 2 aint happenin

This is my journal. I use it to work through things. The "Anatomy of..." post was to help reinforce that I have made a good choice in blowing off Detroit man. The work is done, I haven't thought of him a bit since the second time I saw him, so I am not going to go into the "analysis" of all of the red flags. I can take comfort in the fact that I followed my intuiton and move on to the important things.

I have used my therapy sessions to deal with dynamics relating to men, and all along I was having paralyzing anxiety about the tour guide position and didn't speak a word of it. Of course I didn't...I was avoiding thinking about it to try to make the anxiety go away. Wow, and surprise! I felt overwhelmed and hopeless now that the deadline is approaching. I went to therapy because I want to be successful. I am wicked smaht and ambitious, but have serious problems "applying myself" if you will.

This sadly does tie into my relationships with men. I realized something as I analyzed my enthusiasm for The Beautiful German. I am attracted to successful and ambitous (who I can see being successful) men. Now you are saying "so is every woman- those men have money" but honestly I sort of dislike too much money, because those men are usually too busy, and they think presents are an even trade-off for presence.

Success in my mind is not equivalent to money. The idea of living in a brand-new, too-big poorly-constructed house in the suburbs is a nightmare to me. So that waspy man who makes six figures selling paper making chemicals is not sucessful in my eyes. I am attracted to those men with passion, be it for scientific research, politics, art, teaching, or whatever, and dedicates their life to that. So a serious lute composer who pays his bills by being a janitor is more successful in my eyes than a millionaire ball-bearing distributer who oversees the entire northwest region. (Unless of course his life passion is ball-bearings)

I could see myself with The Beautiful German, because he was a journalist, he was making a mark on the world. But for what reason should I see him with me? This is not insecurity speaking, it is fair. I keep dating to live vicariously. (a strong sign of unhealthy boundaries) I am attracted to people who have the courage to take a chance on their dreams instead of taking the safer route of money. I put aside my dream of being a research scientist (I knew that whatever I did as a career, I wanted to be a published researcher- at least once, so I could contribute to the world's body of knowledge) But I am not doing that.

The flight attendant position was the first courageous move I had made since dropping out of college, and I am proud that I stuck through the grueling schedule and horrible pay, it has been well worth it. I am VERY proud that I applied for the Tour Guide position, it was a real long shot, but I got in. I stuck through the six month training course which is awesome. But in the final stretch I haven't done what needs to be done. I have frozen up, just like I have in the past. I am once again, just as I do at work, not living up to the potential I have.

Point is, I am attracted to go-getters yet am not behaving as a go-getter. I will not find the person who I feel is my match until I get back to being me, the person I am matching with.

As I have said that, I am feeling the desire to backtrack a bit. I might be going down the wrong path again. Perfectionism is what got me to the suicidal places in the first place, the belief that my value is in what I accomplish, not inherent. And I know I reached a really healthy place when I said "I am a flight attendant, just a flight attendant, and I have nothing to be ashamed of."

Wow, how frustrating. It is a very uncomfortable place for me to not have big goals. I feel like I always have to have control, a solid plan. I am noticing lately that my whole life I grasped so hard on having control of things that I have lived a small, controllable life.

Come to think of it I am still goal oriented, my goals are just smaller now. Which honestly may be the true key to success. I freaked out this month because I have to come up with an entire 45-60 minute tour. Perhaps it would be finished by now if I had focused on consecutive smaller goals of 1 painting at a time. I will do that now.

When I am overweight I am only attracted to good looking guys. During those times I don't feel secure enough in myself to date a fat, skinny or "beautiful on the inside" man. When I am attractive I have the confidence in myself to date the men I like, regardless of their apperance, because I am attracted to who they are. Perhaps if (I mean when);) I earn confidence in my achievements, I can be happy with a man who loves me and makes me laugh, despite the things he does. And if he is a person who leaves a mark, I can inspire him as much as he inspires me.

mood: procrastinate (kidding!)


SpiderSolitaire said...

Are you sure you are dating these men to live vicariously? I am attracted to tall men, doesn't mean I want to be tall. Perhaps you are looking for someone to balance you out. Hubby & I are opposites, he has traits that I admire, but do not wish to be. So, question that before you question yourself.
Also, I am very proud of your career. It takes some major balls to have social phobia & be a filght attendant. Big props & I am so proud of your work on your tours, you're the shit!

Diana Crabtree said...

Wow, thats something to think about! Hmmmm!

I know that was the case with New York Name Dropper Man. I was midwestern and brought some down-to-earth perspective to his life. He was eastern and brought some theatrical glitz to mine. But with him, as with other accomplished people I have been aquainted with, I felt awful pangs of insecurity and envy.

Thats the feeling. Envy. That is why I think it is vicarious. But you have added a layer to it that I hadn't thought myers briggs profile said I am less likely to be in a leadership role, and am more comfortable behind the scenes.

But on the other hand, I can't imagine myself relaxing enough to be the woman behind the man. I would need the feeling of personal accomplishment and credit for the accomplishments, because I have seen so many women turn a messy man neat and a poor man rich and have him leave her for a younger woman who would have never looked twice had it not been for the first woman. I have even had it happen to me. (I wanted to get rid of him, but I was pissed about the principle of it)

Thanks for your comment and your sweet encouragement!

Diana Crabtree said...

You are wrong now that I think about it. I DO want to have a hairy chest, arms and legs and have a big nose!