Pick up Artist season 2 wingman auditions

I have the hardest life in the world

I am too tired to go to work tomorrow. I had the wedding 2 weeks ago. Then I had only 2 days off. Then I only had 2 days off this week. And tomorrow is a 9:35 show meaning I have to leave for work at 8AM.

I know you don't feel sorry for me. But I feel sorry for myself. 2 days off is just not enough. Even when I work 3 day trips I need 3 days off (though 3 day trips are much easier than 4 day trips)

I really have no reason to feel sorry for myself. I need to just go to bed. Here's the thing. I need clean undies and socks. But I didn't wash them. So now what? I can probably find some clean undies for tomorrow, and probably socks too, but then I need to wash them on my trip.

I suppose it's not all as bad as I am making it out to be. All I have to do is pack and I can go to bed.

And you know what? I just saw an old navy commercial where a lady wearing a sweater leaned over, about to kiss a boy. That sounds nice. I am glad that I gave myself a break in the boy dating department, but I could use a boy to kiss. HEY! Ashram is back from India. He is a great kisser! He gets on my nerves, but I like kissing him and he doesn't want to have sex, so he's a good victim. I will have to get a hold of him. Yay, I am happy to have an outlet for my sexual energy.

So what was my post about? Me whining about the fact that I only got 2 days off, when people in third world countries get no days off, and if they did, they wouldn't spend them shopping like I have the last two weekends.

Poor me, I have such a hard life. But WAAAAAAH! I just want one more day off. Or to at least sleep in, then get ready at 11 AM.

So how am I dealing with this issue? Staying awake later. UH! I think I should just go to bed, then get up in the morning and pack. That is a very risky plan. It is just begging to be late for work. GOD! Can I just call in sick? WAAAAH!

UPDATE: You can sleep tonight. I found 3 pairs of clean undies, and 3 pairs of clean socks. WOO HOO I am a lucky girl!

But I am shaking. I wonder if I had enough to eat today? I had enough calories but maybe not enough food. Or maybe I am making that up as an excuse to eat more today ;)

My Computer, and I, are back to life

I have so much to write, and on my newly repaired computer I could write for hours, but there is so much to say, too much, so I will just start from today.

I am just happy in my life. Very happy. No boyfriend, no big deal (though some sex would be REAL nice! Oh my god I miss it, and it's been a LONG time!) But minus the sex, just about everything is great.

I have gained back the 6 pounds I had lost, my room is still messy, but thats just things I will have to deal with I guess.

I just have energy (too much really!) so even though I am not everything I want to be, its no big deal, I have the energy to work towards it, I feel like I am moving forward.

I have been shopping (ALOT!) which is a GREAT sign. I have been checked for Bipolar disorder, and know that I don't have it, so this shopping I have been doing is a sign of health. I have been buying things for myself, meaning I find myself worthy of nice things. But, in spite of the amount of shopping I have been doing, I have practiced amazing restraint! See, my grandpa has decided to give me my mother's inheritance, and so he sends out money every year to shrink it down. Well he just sent out a check. (FYI, this contentment came BEFORE the check- cool huh?) I put most of the money to pay off my car (I only owe $2000 now!) paid off my credit card, and decided to allow myself $500 to buy clothes. I have been wearing mostly goodwill clothes for the past 5+ years so I have decided to upgrade my wardrobe to Target (hey big spender!)

Buying clothes for myself has been so fun. I have gotten very basic things, very simple style, with little trends mixed in to feel current. I have bought some very sexy heels, for wearing out, but I don't know how much more I will be going out, because I haven't heard from Kelsey in awhile. We'll see. Anyway, it feels so good to buy things, and to trust myself that I will not go overboard in spending, even when I have the money.

Really its like I'm becoming the old Diana again. And folks, I am talking REALLY old, like high school/early college Diana, one none of you ever knew. This Diana is bubbly, charasmatic, & sexy. Think Kelly Clarkson on her auditions for American Idol, or Heather Graham, maybe a little Drew Barrymore (who someone compared me to on the plane this week) I miss that Diana, and frankly, I thought she was gone forever, I thought the world killed her, and a sadder, more jaded Diana had taken over for good. Apparantly not.

Thing is too...this is big...I don't think I am going to get seriously depressed again soon. I really think that therapy made a BIG difference. I have not feared depression for months, and I used to fear it every time I was tired or crabby. Now I just say "Im tired" or "I feel crabby right now"

This isn't a very descriptive post, it's just where I am in my life right now. I had to break the seal and post something, because otherwise the pressure would get too big, and I wouldn't post anything.

Anyway- I am wishing you heath, and happiness. If you are feeling depressed right now, look at how healthy I am (happy- not manic) and know that I am just like you, and you will be happy again too. Just believe, be patient, and take care of yourself as best you can.

MWAH- love you

I am alive and well...

...but my computer is not. It has been shipped away to be repaired, and I have to face the fact that I cannot take it on trips anymore. It's just too delicate (and I am too indelicate)

Life has been a lot of fun. I have great stories to tell you involving a pompus independantly wealthy Willam Dafoe look alike, Mexican independance day celebrations, shopping, and the nature of friendship. But not today. Not for awhile I imagine. I hate the idea of living such a wonderful life, without recording (and sharing it with my fellow depression/social phobia/anxiety havers) but it has been good that I am away from the computer now. I have broken the bad habit of sitting in front of the computer for hours on end, and replaced it with an obsession for pringles and nut mixes on the plane.

Thats my life!

If I led with my heart...

...I would give it to Jeff.

JEFF! JEFF! JEFF! Corn fed white boy! Imprinted in my mind playing guitar for his little cousin when I was in high school. OH! As I expected, I dreamt of him last night.

Linda's wedding was last night. It went so well. My maid of honor speech went SO WELL! Imagine the most awesome speech, told by the most charasmatic person...that was my speech! It didn't sound that way when I was practicing, but somehow, when I stood up there, it came out great.

But an uncomfortable thing about going to Linda's wedding was her cousins Jeff and Jim would be there. Yeah, these boys are brothers, and I have kissed them both! (Springer anyone?)

When I was 13, and Jeff was 15 he yawned and stretched and put his arm around me. He was SOOOOO cute! Tall, blonde, with crooked teeth and a dorky smile. I wasn't as innocent as most 13 year olds, but my crush on him was, and despite my not admitting it to myself, the crush never went away.

Years later, when I was in college, his little brother Jim came on to me. I was dating an awful man, and had combined alcohol and marijuana, so I ended up making out with him, and with him falling asleep while it happened!!! Last year Jim got married (to a woman people say remind them of me!) and he and Jeff were at the wedding last night.

As we were getting ready for the service, I saw people approaching, and I didn't want to see either of them, and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw that Jeff was in the audience with a pretty blonde. I was so pissed off, and didn't look in his direction. And I wasn't looking forward to the reception, feeling self concious.

Kerry, one of the bridesmaids, had a fling with Jeff years later, so I kept talking about the two of us going up to him and making him uncomfortable, I also called him a slut. At one point I wondered, "where is this venom coming from? he's nice" and Kerry agreed. And I stopped talking smack.

I ignored him for most of the dinner portion, then I found a good chance to talk to him (when he wasn't with THAT GIRL) and I hugged him and acted like I was happy to see him. We chatted, and I said "exceptions" instead of "inspections." and chit chatted and left. I realized that the reason I was so mean was that childhood crush was still there.

Later I saw his (I guess their) sister, who loves me, and I knew I had to face Jim. Jim is even hotter than Jeff, he is a carpenter and looks like a straight up lumberjack, and his face really lit up when he saw me. I could have jumped on that lumberjack right then and there, but of course he's married, and come on now Diana.

So it felt great to get the discomfort and avoidance out of the way, and I got on with the night. While we were dancing, Jeff waved me over to a big group, I just smiled and didn't go, but soon I was dancing with him and Jim's wife, who has a bouncy and sassy personality. I liked being compared to her.

Unchained melody came on and Jeff asked me to dance. I felt 13 again and told him, and we reminiced and it was very nice dancing with him again. Then I danced with him again and saw a sangria in his hand- here's where head vs. heart comes in. Jeff's dad is an alcoholic. Many of Jeff & Linda's family are alcoholics, and Jeff...Jeff just got a DUI.

Jeff and Linda's family are very working class. They come from the country, from a racist asshole grandpa and many in the family are pretty screwed up. Linda has broken the mold, and I really thought Jeff would, but a DUI is not cool.

To add to that, according to Kerry, he doesn't just have a few drinks, he drinks until it's all gone. Supposedly he is in treatment now, but he obviously is drinking while in treatment. In his defense, he isn't driving a car right now, he uses a bike, and he says he only drinks on weekends, and not alone (though he used to) and I have a gut feeling that he could be, or become, an alcoholic.

I judge people who fall in love with the wrong guy, but OH CAN I SEE IT! I can't even say I COULD fall in love with him, because I feel like I ALREADY AM! Fortunately, when he said he wanted to see each other again, I said no. I think he can figure out why, because I was clear about my disappointment of seeing the drink in his hand. But non-verbally he knows I want him, the lingering looks, the huge smiles. He melts me, he is imprinted in my mind as what a boy should be, but we are adults now, and I unfortunately, I dont think he meets the standards of what a man should be.

To make it worse, Jeff and Linda's aunt (with whom I was whining about my single life weeks earlier) came up to me and said I shouldn't shoot Jeff down, "He's a 'nice' boy" to which I said "no he isn't" and she said with the right girl he would be. I escaped without jumping on him, but my heart hurts, I dreamt of him last night (which I knew I would) and I just want to fall into his adorable, blonde, farm-boy arms.

UH! I am swooning so much right now! I know I will be over him in a few days. Well, not "over" him, I haven't gotten "over" him even after 17 years, but I wont be obsessing over him at least soon. Right now I am so tired I could die, so hopefully once I have had some rest I will be able to think straight. I am proud I could think straight enough to keep my distance. My intuition is speaking to me LOUD AND CLEAR, if I were to be with Jeff, I would fall HARD, and I should (and do) know better than to fall for a heavy drinker.

...oh, and "THAT GIRL" he was with...his cousin!

I am sitting in a hotel lobby in my underwear

You read that right, I am sitting in the business center with my underwear on, and no pants. I have a tiny towel draped over my legs, but thats it.

(I wore them and a sports bra as a swimsuit)

Overcoming my fear

For the last two days I could not stop thinking about Friday night, and that Adam Levine looking boy. I spoke to Kelsey on the phone the next day and she said he kept talking about me. My intuition says he said, (in response to her asking "what did you think of Diana?") "I liked her, she is cool to talk to" and she made it sound to me that he was really into me. But she planted that seed in my head, and I remember that jealous look on his face when I started dancing with his friend, and my head kept thinking about him, and that crowd of people, and it was annoying.

I figured out why it is being accepted by them was so exciting for me. I am accepted by the friends I have, so why should being accepted by these people make me happy? It would be shallow and immature if I still want to be in the "in crowd" after all these years, because "the in crowd" is a stupid concept at our age. But I figured it out...I am elated because I am successfully overcoming another of my fears!

I think I wrote a post about my online date with the Librarian. I could tell immediately that he wasn't attracted to me so I tried to end the date early, but he kept extending it out. On the inside, we were a perfect match, but (besides his disintrest in me) I could tell he hung out with a trendy crowd, the trendy crowd scares me, so even if he did like me, this perfect match wouldn't work out, because I would me a nervous mess around his friends. Well I was right about him. He was at the bar that we all went to.

To be able to "go have drinks" is a skill that all people should have. It is a great networking and bonding tool to hang out with people you don't know yet, and their friends, and to be able to have fun and be a fun addition to the group. If I am scared in "certian groups" it hinders me, it limits the places I feel comfortable going, and the people I feel comfortable meeting. I have done such a great job in overcoming my social phobia, so it's very exciting, knowing how much I have changed, that I could overcome my fear of "the privledged people." <----that's what I'll call them, because what distinguishes them from everyone else is they are very good looking and moderately wealthy.

I am glad that I have come to this realization, because my excitement embarrassed me. I knew I wasn't shallow, but I was aware that my enthusiasm and desire for acceptance by them could be percieved as shallow.

Fortunatly I stopped obsessing, I started thinking about aid-work and felt like myself again.

Gotta run!

A chance to reinvent myself (or more accurately, be more myself)

I can't put it into words how good it feels to have been accepted last night by Kelsey and her friends. Here's what it feels like...I genuinely liked the people I hung out with, and they seemed to like me, and it was ME they liked. I was able to be totally myself. I talked about the libertarian scale that determines where you are politically, and globalism, and I wasn't looked at like a weirdo, nor were they pretentious and looking down on me for my giggles or drop-out credentials.

And, as a shallow bonus, They were all very good looking. I don't CARE that they are good looking, but having such great looking people accept me in their group felt like I was...I don't know why I liked it...I guess it made me feel good looking by-proxy. I also liked it because it makes me feel like I should be better looking. I should step up my game a little, because when you are attractive, it makes dating much more fun, because you can just accept that someone likes you, and have the confidence to flirt and be outgoing (you should see Kelsey in action, she knows her power- and she enjoys wielding it)

Last night two furloughed flight attendants were there, and after we went dancing (according to one of the guys, I was getting attention from my dancing) they wanted to hang out with me again! So I now have a chance to start building up my social life, and not with people I don't like, with people who like to dance, & who dont look at me weird when I talk about politics.

Here is my chance to be the true me. I want to be a person who works on campaigns, does volunteer work, is genuinely friendly, and likes to dance and flirt. I have been so shy about the last part, because I am insecure (& judgemental about trendy people.) But here's my chance to be brave enough to be my true self, and to challenge myself to be my best, like I did when I was in college.

And this Adam Levine look alike. Him and I had a flirtation going on! He was Hottie McHotness! My gut told me he wasn't trustworthy, but his 2 friends were, turns out they all have girlfriends but are looking for something better. Dicks. But it sure was fun flirting and dancing with all of them. I had the greatest time.

Today was not real...I think ist was all a movie!

So you read my post about wanting to be a housewife, and considering getting back with Charles, in order to have that. Well, I got an e-mail from Charles this morning, with his "good news" he took a year long position in Kenya!

To add to it, I learned today that Carrie is pregnant, and Jane is pregnant with twins! WHAT? This isn't real, it's a movie! I took it well, but wasn't as excited as I should have been. I regret that, but I am glad I didn't get too depressed and grumpy.

So tonight was as much of a movie as life could be! You know that hotness guy I went on a date with, who was not attracted to me, but I hit it off with, and I tried to end the date early but he kept extending it out? He was at the bar I went to with Kelsey (did I mention she looks like a model, and was wearing a teensy dress?) anyway I said hi to him and felt awkward for awhile. But then we went dancing...

Oh god, I cant write anymore. Its almost 5 am. Can I just tell you, I danced sexy with this guy who was like a tall Adam Lavine, and when I danced with someone else, I swear he was jealous. And then I sat up talking with him for like an hour, without and everyone went to bed without us noticing. (and while I think there was chemistry [he said I was pretty!] nothing would ever happen between us. I am far too insecure)

And one of the guys said I was getting a lot of positive attention at the dance club (unbenownsed to me) and did I mention there were fireman involved?

I cant write any more about this night. It was just fun, no making out, just flirting, and these people were all so cool (and smart) and I really think they liked me.

Today was NOT REAL! Nothing that happened today seemed real. It was all a movie. Yes, I DIRTY DANCED WITH AN ADAM LEVINE LOOKALIKE WHO SAID I WAS PRETTY, AND MY FRIENDS ARE PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME! Maybe I am still asleep.

I hope to hang with them again. I liked them.

What would my mother think???

She would be shocked! She would say "This isn't what I raised my little girl to be!" She would wonder what she did wrong...why would her baby girl do this to herself?...to be a...HOUSEWIFE?!?!?

I kid, I don't think my mom would be ashamed, but she was a member of NOW, and a big part of the second wave feminist movement, so while she was fighting to get women respect in the workplace, to break the glass ceiling, my dream has become to be a housewife.

More accurately, a part time Flight Attendant, part time volunteer, and full time mom. It's not a dream or an ambition, more of a fantasy job, but I just think I'd love it, and do a great job of it.

First of all the kid thing, I thought that once the Risperdal was gone I wouldn't want kids anymore (I thought it was altering my hormones.) Well, for a week or so I didn't want kids anymore, but it's back with a vengeance. I agreed to sit with a little boy named Ethan while his mom installed his car seat on the plane, and the way his little eyes looked up at me, I can't explain it, it's just the most natural feeling in the world to me. I act very girlish, but put a child next to me, and the woman comes out. I am nurturing and protective and intuitive. I hope I can be a parent one day, if not to my own, to an adopted child or foster child.

The other aspect of being a "housewife" is the cooking and decorating the house. I love the feeling of cooking or baking something amazing (unfortunately I like it better without time constraints- likely story with kids.) Today I baked a red velvet cake with homemade dark chocolate buttercream frosting. I cut the cake into the shape of a 2 for Jane's daughter Daisy's 2nd birthday. I make amazing cakes, they are made from a box, but they are always fun and creative. (But not in a professional way- they are unquestionably amaturish!) I also love making dishes with lots of colorful vegetables. I feel such a satisfaction eating something pretty, yummy, AND healthy.

But "Housewife" is not a career one can aspire to as "Nurse" or "Journalist" is. To be a Housewife you have to be half of a pair, of a couple, and who knows what will happen there. I am not saying that I CANT find someone, but I do question if I will find someone who meets my lofty standards, or if I can change my standards and remain happy.

Last night, for the first time, I imagined dating Charles again. Imagining having sex with him did not stop me. I guess I remembered what made me love him. He would be a good father, and he'd be available within my reproductive years, but I am not rushing back. If he would not respond when I was extremely upset, what does that say for our future, and conflicts that would naturally arise?

...uh, people, I don't think that I will ever find someone who meets my standards. I have this thing where the guy has to be spectacular in some way. A cell-phone salesman? No. Why? I don't know. It's not money, because I could fall for an artist, or an aid-worker, but it's something about amazing men that drive me crazy. I guess it's inspiration. But I also want him to be mentally balanced and a good communicator, OOP- and don't forget, the chemistry has to be great. Any spectacular man, especially a good communicator, will be noticed. And I have realized that many of them have gotten married in the last 5 years. Yes, I could catch them after they get divorced (romantic, arent I?) but by then I can't get my babies.

It's a tough one people. I read that there is a "disqualifying" Obsessive Cumpulsive Disorder, where you look for a flaw and then break up once you can find it. I think I have that. Time for more therapy.

So the housewife is only a dream, I accept that it might not be realistic. It's realistic, but to have that, and the type of relationship that I want in a marriage, may be too rare to get. So be it.

In the end I really want a family. I haven't had a strong, healthy, close family bond since when my mom was alive. And I suppose my dad and step mom were a family for those 2 years after she died. I would just love the daily hugs and "I love yous" and to get to put little notes in my kid's lunch boxes. Oh my god you don't know what it does to me to imagine putting notes im my kid's lunch box...I'm calling Charles. (just kidding)

I know my mom would support me, no matter what my choice was, as long as it fulfilled me.

Computer Addiction

You know what...I really do have "a problem" when it comes to the computer. No, I wouldn't stop feeding my kids if I had 'em, but it's a little too much. I have a habit of staying on the computer even when I need to go to bed, even if it's just to look at the same blogs I have checked already.

It's totally okay with me to waste a day, as long as I am happy doing it. It's okay to stay up too late, as long as I am happy doing it. But I have been online for an hour and a half, and don't really have anything to show for it.

I need rehab.

I KNEW all that time in front of the computer would pay off!

I won caption this on DListed :) :) :)

This isn't the first time I have won on a gossip website, I also won a Someone Haiku on Mollygood.com

So what does this mean? I read too much gossip? I think NOT. I think it means I should read MORE gossip. I think the condition of Jack Nicholson's salivary glands is VERY important! (And if you know what I am referring to there, YOU read too much gossip!)

Dangerous Dairy

I have eaten some beef in the chili I made yesterday, and I went a little crazy with ice cream sandwiches today, I also have had a half a gallon of milk in the last few days. I rarely eat beef and dont drink much dairy, so I have released some room clearers!

One was SO BAD that I left the room and when I came back into the room, I could still smell it!

I hope this is cleared out of my system before I work tomorrow, you know pressurization expands gas don't you? Can you imagine being on an airplane the size of a city bus with your flight attendant releasing SBDs? Oh, and I fly with Vegetarian Dreamboat Pilot tomorrow too (but I don't think I like him- he whistles)

Progress

I am still frustrated with my habit of being lazy and isolated in the house on sunny days. This is not healthy behavior, and if I am going to fight this depression, I need a lifestyle that is fun, not depressing like this.

I can say, today I did lay around (I even took a nap!) but at least I enjoyed it. Well, I didn't enjoy it, but I was able to laugh about it, laugh at myself instead of berating myself. I spent a lot of time reading about spoiled celebrities, and thought about how I judge them, yet am laying around like a trust fund baby.

But instead of focusing on what I haven't accomplished, lets look at what I HAVE! First off, the apartment and my room are fairly clean, my weight is down, I am surviving without Risperdal, and I am so much more social than I used to be.

When I think about it, I have come SO FAR, that I can imagine myself being the person I want to be eventually. I really want to be neat and be healthy in shape. It can happen.

Tell you what...right now I really feel like I don't want to be dating, I just am insecure about my lifestyle, and how I look, and don't want people to see it, well why dont I give myself a break? If I wait until I am 31 to try to meet someone I will not be that much behind the mark. I think I should give myself until my 31st birthday to push myself to date again.

I am progressing, and I think the reason my focus on the isolating, lazyness issue, is because I have accomplished or am accomplishing other goals, and this is the next one to tackle. Weight loss is not something I can accomplish without order, order in my house gives me energy and self-esteem.

I have made progress, I am doing GREAT! I am not perfect, far from it, but I am improving, and will continue to improve if I encourage myself instead of beating myself up, because that will make me want to quit.

AND, a BIG DEAL...I haven't been worried that I am falling into a depression for a long time! I ALWAYS worry about that. I am hoping that this is a sign that I am seeing myself in a different way, no longer "pathologizing" myself.

Spicy Hot Chocolate

I talked with Juan this evening, and I have learned that when talking to him, it goes on forever. I made some amazing chili, and made it without salt or making it spicy, because then we can add spice and salt to taste. I said "Because nothing is worse than making a recipe too spicy" he seemed surprised by this statement, and asked why, I said, "Because you cant taste any other flavors." He then, as expected, went into a long, passionate description of chilis and how they are incorperated into Mexican, and many latin american cultures.

During this conversation he described how spice fills your mouth, I cant even remember the words that he used, but they were very descriptive and poetic. It made me crave some chocolate ice cream with cayenne pepper that a shop down the street makes. As the conversation continued, I couldn't stand it any longer, and I made some hot chocolate with cayenne pepper (and a secret ingredient, but I'm not telling) It was SOOOOO delicious! So good! I would love so much to be a housewife, to spend my days cooking chili and hot cocoa sounds like heaven (I know you stay at home parents are rolling your eyes at how easy I am making the job sound.)

Juan said something that moved me. He had mentioned a (female) roommate had lost a lot of weight, and I had incorporated that into the conversation later, saying "well if she looks like that of course you'll let her keep her bike there." He said that he doesn't see young women "like women." He said he has daughters in their early 20s, so that idea makes him uncomfortable.

How rare! It seems that older men are rarely brave enough to date women their age, probably because younger women make them feel more important, both because of the status of it, and because being younger, she is likely less accomplished. But Juan, a man accomplished enough that he COULD have younger women (I confess, I am drawn to him a bit) isn't comfortable with that.

I think the only way I could be luckier is if he was gay. To have a man in my life who sees me platonically, even if it's women he likes, is good for me I think, because I see men as such letches. I also have the insecurity that I think I have to attractive to be liked, it's good for me to see an alternative way of communicating with a man- and to see myself through a man's eyes, and not have it be sexual. (Ha ha, he also said that Latinos think white people are pretty, but not sexy, so I have 2 strikes against me, ha ha)

I got a little annoyed with him last week, because he hadn't set up the bed in his room (which was fine with me) but he wasn't using the sheets when sleeping on the couch. He was crashing without even using a pillow. I laid out some sheets, and the next day he put them away (which looked very nice) but then crashed again without the sheets. I said something to him about it, I hope it was light, the way I said it, and the next day he had his bed set up, tidyed the living room, and washed my dishes. It is evident that he cares, and so I was happy that I could make the chili and cocoa for him, and have another nice conversation, to show him that I also care.

Gay Europeans Make My Nipples Hard

Yes, this song is 40 years old, but hearing it is just making me really happy right now. Especially when he says "Hello" SWOON



If I am such an international dater, why don't I ever date Europeans? Yummy.

Also...I don't think I want a boyfriend right now, I want a gay boyfriend! I need someone to go dancing with, and to develop a safe crush on, but not get scared away and push him away. I'm so sad Juan isn't gay.

Last night at the piano bar a guy said to me "you have the best smile ever" I was really flattered, and said "If I smile for you will you let me get to the bar and buy a drink?" He said "Yes, and a date" and I bought my drink, and when I left the bar he said something about the date and I just ignored him and walked away.

Watching the Pick up artist really puts it into perspective how hard guys have it, I didn't mean to be mean, it just sort of felt normal. :( My gut said he drinks too much, but how can you tell at a bar when everyone is drunk? His gut could have said I drink too much too. I wish I would have talked to him, or at least not have walked away so rudely. He said it in a joking matter, but I could have walked away in a joking matter, not in an insulting matter.

The Bachelorette Party/Bridal Shower

Last night was really, really fun. Really great.

I was accused of being a "Bridesmaidzilla" by Linda because I made these fancy gift bags for the bridal shower guests. (I admit, I did go crazy with them) but I dont think of myself as a bridesmaidzilla, because I really enjoyed it, I had a lot of fun.

I know that yesterday alone I spent $100, on alcohol and snacks, and I am not interested to know how much I spent on the gift bags (I intentionally did not keep track, I knew that would ruin the fun for me) and I plan to give her about a $125 present, so to me this seems like a lot of money on paper, but not that much when it comes to her, (does that make sense?) What I am trying to say is this is the easiest money in the world for me to spend, I just want good things for her. And none of this has been extravagant, just fun (like Red Stripe beer instead of Miller, because her honeymoon is in Jamaica.)

So last night was the bridal shower I "threw" for Linda. Here's the thing, I didn't really throw it, her college roommate Kara did a lot of the work. Really, it was a collabrative effort amongst all the bridesmaids.

We went to a (cool, not gimmicky) Tiki themed bar and a piano bar. Can I tell you people, I am a good singer. Really, I am. I wish I could use it somehow in my life, maybe I could start going to church...nah. ;)

My only complaint about the night is it didn't last longer.

Bachelorette PARTY

So I am drunk right now so I am going to leave you with this to celebrate Linda's Bachelorette party...



Why is this on the top 20 viral videos?

UPDATE: This video is MUCH better!

My favorite song on Kala (ok, one of them) ***I have to keep this at the top for a few days, it's just too cute***

I play this song over and over ago. How cute is it? These kids are from Australia, how often do you hear a loop from a digiradoo? I really wish this video had more pics of the kids, but at least I get to share the song with you...

Mango Pickle Down River


More about the kids:

The Wilcannia Mob

UPDATE: Here is the song "Down River" without M.I.A.'s "Mango Pickle." I realize she had to add something to it in order to put it on her album, but I wish she wouldn't have said something about skipping town without paying the rent. I think she should have kept it child-friendly, and put that part in another song.

Here are the adorable lyrics to the chorus of "Down River" (If anyone knows the full song, minus the MIA part, please e-mail me)

When it's hot we go down to the river and swim
When we go fishing we're catching the bream
When the river's high we jump off the bridge
When we get home we play some didj

TOO FUCKING VAGUE!

I have NO CLUE what's going on!

You are having an operation or you arent. You do have cancer or you dont.

I guess I have to sit and wait like everybody else, but I feel really powerless right now. I want to support you but I guess you don't need my support? Maybe you've found some perspective and feel that "online friends" are not really friends?

I just feel like something is going on with a friend of mine, but the lines of communication are completely gone, and I guess I am really upset, and have no way to help.

If you fucking die, and you didn't warn me that it was a possibility, I will kill you.

I am writing this here instead of your blog because I am aware of how arrogant it is of me to think I deserve information any more than anyone else on your blog.