Last time I went to a bridal shop with my friend Carrie things didn't go well.
Carrie did ask me to be a bridesmaid, which I am okay with, because it is an honor. She asked Jane and I on the day of my graduation tour. I think I am safe from the maid of honor "honor."
I don't know who she chose, or if she has one, but it sounds like a bachelorette party will be in Vegas. I had a life goal to never go to Vegas- I said "Oh No! Why not NY?" but it's her wedding, and if I had to go to Vegas with anyone, it would be someone like her, who would find the whole place abnoxious.
Carrie is going to have us choose the styles that fit our figures (I love that woman) so today we went to a bridal shop to try dresses on. Needless to say I was worried. I had such a horrible time last time, and I was worried it would be even worse this time, because not only would I have to confront the fact that this life experience is not going to happen anytime soon in my life, and it may never, but I also would have to confront the reality of my figure, I was concerned I wouldn't be able to hold the tears back like last time and instead would lose control and start sobbing, ruining the experience for Carrie and Annette, her friend who was there too.
Thank goodness it went better than that. Annette is a similarly shaped girl so we had a great time laughing while we sucked in and menuvered our breasts trying to get the two-sizes-too-small sample dresses to zip (which they only did half the time) Thank God I looked good in some. Carrie and Annette raved about how I looked in this dress. My waist looked skinny and my cleavage was pretty, not pushed together like a butt (I know men like that, but I think it looks like ass) If you look closely at the picture, where the two pieces of fabric meet there is a little hook and eye to hold the pieces together. It is a Catholic wedding so I guess I will use the hook and eye, but Annette suggested unsnapping it if I notice a cute groomsman looking.
Afterwards we went to a wonderful deli-style resturaunt and chatted. Of course we talked about relationships, and with the intention of setting me up Annette asked me what I wanted in a man. I came up with smart, sense of humor, and "similar ethical beliefs" as me (this got a laugh Carrie said "I just can't imagine you with a Republican." Honestly I had no clue what to say I want. I am having such a hard time figuring out what qualities I want in myself, how can I decide which ones I would want in a partner?
Annette also said there is an addage that you end up with someone you already know. This frightened me. There is only one man I would be interested in, and he is dating a skinny, rich TV producer who lives in LA. The other two are Shane, my hick (but very sweet) old roommate, who would make a lovely boyfriend, to a virginal country girl. And who could forget? Earl
All jokes aside, my "love life" is better than ever, and there is no-one in it. I have just stopped caring. And good thing, Mr. Compliments must have said 3 times that he was going to call me..I didn't ask if he would, he just volunteered it. I was "certian" he would call, and surprise!- nothing. But this time I didn't give a shit. I barely thought about him. So what? He's handsome, smart, and seems to understand me- does that mean I will be excited? I think I know better than that. Besides visiting the gym more often, I sincerely don't know what I should do differently and I have lost the willingness to try to figure it out. And I am glad I feel this way. Things are in perspective now. A companion would be a nice thing to have, but that doesn't mean I need to waste my energy looking for one. Okay, and I admit as I am writing this I am feeling a little bit of emotion, mostly hurt feelings (not really from this new guy...a composite of every man since NYNDM and TBG-becuase I have just learned to open up and take a chance, even though I might get hurt- which I am not used to)
All in all it was a good day. I wasn't sublimely happy but I made it thorough the day without wondering if I am going to make it another week without falling apart. I laughed (mostly sincerely) and didn't have any moments when I said to myself "make it end" which are probably the 3 most used words in my mental volcabulary. So I am okay, even though I am always the bridesmaid and never the bride ;)
mood: ok (even though I work tomorrow)