Thursday, June 30, 2005

Emancipation from the Rut

I was so certain that when I woke up yesterday morning that I would be exausted and distressed. One month is not alot of time to find a quality roommate. Instead I felt very light, and had a wonderful trip. This is a really good thing that Emma is moving, we were in a rut.

Here's the thing, Emma and I didn't really hit it off when we met. I was not particularily fond of her, she rarely smiled and seemed to have alot of difficulty being warm. In her defense I was severely depressed when we met, I don't think I was medicated at the time, and we were living in an awful apartment.

The "senior" roommate had lied and said that there was someone living there who was trying to quit drinking. I took this to mean we couldn't keep alcohol in the house and that this roommate would sometimes be cranky. He wasn't trying to quit, he was a full on, bum on the street wino. (A great story, I must post it someday) Obviously, the "senior" roommate turned out to be a major enabler and very hard to live with. Even so I was bound and determined to stay, because of school I had moved far too much in the past years and had no desire to go anywhere. Emma decided to go. She and I had sort of bonded because of our mutual love of all things south asian, as well as being mutual voises of reason in an insane enviornment. While helping her and her friend look in the paper I got struck "I want to go too!" so the 3 of us planned to move, her friend's life was a little up in the air so she dropped out, so it was just Emma and I.

A few days we were to turn in our deposits and sign our leases she kept reminding me about it. I told her it pissed me off that she would think I would screw up such an important thing, I may be a bit air headed but when something is important I come through. Then, it turned out because it was a sunday or something my paycheck wouldn't come until the next day, so I borrowed money from my Grandma. I had with me some things that my Grandma had given me, when Emma asked what they were I made up some lie, because the last thing I wanted was to validate her bullshit lack of faith in me. After that day I suggested she do the bills and I pay her (I certianly didn't want that kind of attitude every month!) and she of course loved the idea (I would screw it up after all.)

Things went okay. I took the small room, because I knew it would make her happier. And we did okay. She has always been a bit arrogant, but I could deal with it. In a way, her arrogance was something I liked about her. She was very sure of herself, a woman who doesn't shave her legs, pluck her eyebrows, wear makeup, or use toothpaste very often. I thought that was cool, women are always valued by their appearance, and she didn't fit the mainstream mold, yet she felt great about her appearance and strongly about her opinion, which I thought was awesome. And besides that, she is a TON like me, so having someone similar to me think she is all of that made me feel complimented. The thing we didn't have in common was our way of interacting with people. I think it's nice to make people feel good, she seems to find that artificial, and so she comes off at times as very, hmmm...bitchy. I still like that about her because she is so, well...unique and sees no reason to change.

On my birthday she met a guy, and my opinion changed of her (or should I say I cared less about her at that point.) He started out okay but some minor jerky things started happening. We would talk about it and everything I would say she would contradict, everything. Even when she was saying the same thing. I just decided to tell her what she wanted to hear, which is really a step back from true friendship- if you care about someone you tell them what you truly feel, because its their best interest that you care about most. He ended up making her cry every other day and finally eventually they broke up. This isn't the first time that she blew off my opinion. There have been plenty of times that I have suggested something and she would disagree until someone else said it, or would attribute something I told her to someone else (heaven forbid a bubbly girl could say something intelligent) I realized this with the boyfriend situation.

Most of our living together was peaceful, but there was tension. My biggest problem with her was her problem with me. She would get upset about things that weren't fair, she wouldn't give me the benefit of the doubt, or she would get annoyed about clutter in the house, but not clean it up, just leave it there and be mad about it. And my biggest pet peeve is how helpless she was at times. There is a table where we put the remote controls, if a remote wasn't on that table she would ask me where it was, not even trying to look for it, and it would be on top of the TV.

When she was considering going to grad school in Timbuktu I realized how much I actually do like her and told her I wanted her to stay, (I said "If you move I'll die") but I said it hyperbolically so she would know that I support her either way. She never told me her choice about Timbuktu, I had to guess about it. And she only told me about her plan to move to a single the day before yesterday, giving me only a month to find someone (did I mention AHHHHHH! ?)

That said I now feel liberated, emancipated. First off she thinks she is smarter than me. She has a right because she got good grades in school, but over time I have determined that all things equal (parental involvement- life stability) we are about the same. She has an impression of who I am, and even if that isn't who I am it may have been based on who I was when we met. I know that isn't going to change. The way she acts with me (polite, but a bit tortured about it) pisses me off because I am sort of painted into a corner where the only way I can act is the same way with her (When I am relaxed and a bit bubbly she gets sort of taken aback) Living with someone who sees me that way cant be good for me. And its not good for her to live with me either. I am sort of coldly indifferent to her feelings as a reaction to how she unfairly percieves me, so I am not proactive in making her happy, I only go out of my way if it is to shut her up. (that is a bit of an exagguration, I am nice to her- I am mildly messy however)

Emma moving is good for both of us. I don't imagine we will be friends, mostly because trying to have a conversation with her is torture when she wants it to be (one word answers, contrary for no reason) but maybe we will like each other more when she is gone.

mood: light

40 comments:

Satan said...

This is a lot more 'stream of consciousness' than your normal posts. Looking for meaning in the situation? Nice.

Diana Crabtree said...

hoo-roo

Diana Crabtree said...

I was just on the phone with an australian phone worker dealing with internet stuff and he hoo-roo.

I haven't been as motivated since the "Oh god" post, so I just push myself to write, even if it isnt polished- not that I would exactly call many of them "polished"

Satan said...

hoo-roo, usually pronouced 'oo-roo' with a slow drawl, tends to be used for goodbye.

I think it's an excellent piece, the motivation is tangible.

We have mass demonstrations here today over workers rights. Every union is Sydney is traipsing past our front door in opposition to our bloody minded right wing government. 'The workers united will never be defeated' is my soundscape today.

Diana Crabtree said...

Thank you sunshine- I mean darkness

I am impressed that people are united like that there- as you may know here we are split in half (and oddly the word "union" is negative to many people)

Yeah, it says victoria, hurstbridge on my statcounter- are you on a business trip?

Satan said...

You can call me Moonshine if you like - sounds alcholic.

Unions are seen as negative here as well. Something to do with the types of government we have in power one thinks. Our very silly populace gave the government a majority in the upper house and now they can pass whatever legislation they want. They are trying to going to get rid of things like minimum wage etc. The unions are worried.

I where I always am - maybe you're benig visited by more than one aussie.

Satan said...

Lately I have benn typing lek absulote siht. Whats rong itwh me.

Diana Crabtree said...

moonshine

Satan said...

shine on

Diana Crabtree said...

Usually you come up as Victoria, Melbourne now it's Victoria, Hurtbridge. I also get hits from New South Wales, but not from you.

As I am sure you know, the same sort of thing is happening here. I am so sad to hear its happening other places too, but come to think of it I guess I knew that.

The pendulum swings.

Satan said...

You must be getting a route service. I'm certainly in sydney each and every day and night and day and night and day and night, ad naseum

Diana Crabtree said...

I always thought you were in Melbourne!

Satan said...

hehehe - now that's funny.

Goes to show that we really are cyber people. Who knows where the hell I really am. It feels like Sydney but maybe I'm in Fiji.

Satan said...

Although, Melbourne seems like hell.

Diana Crabtree said...

My stepmom who loved Australia lived in Melbourne I think- she loved it (but what would a yankee know? ;) )

Lets pretend we are both in Fiji

Diana Crabtree said...

You know I was going to repair the "stream of conciousness" -ness of my post but fuck it! I dont wanna

Satan said...

Don't do it, it's charming...

Yeah, Melbourne is the art captial of Australia, it's absolutely beautiful. The weather is really bad. Today in Melbourne - Rain, Sun, Rain, Wind, Cyclone, Heatwave, Hail, etc

Cool we're in Fiji - pass me the sunblock, I don't want to burn (think about it!)

Diana Crabtree said...

I am glad you are charmed. I had to finally let on that I have imperfections ;)

Diana Crabtree said...

burn...heh heh

Satan said...

You have imperfections? Bloody hell, I outta here. How dare YOU!

Yes we're all wearing SPF 10 Billion down here in hell.

Diana Crabtree said...

Uh oh. I have very fair skin, so I use SPF 10 Billion here, on earth, far from the equator...

I am scared to know what will happen if I go to hell. And of cockroaches.

I am sorry to have surprised you by revealing an imperfection. Most people are surprised when (if) they find out.

Diana Crabtree said...

They see my J Lo (jennifer lowenstien) body and assume I am flawless

Satan said...

It will be char-grilled Diana served at the cockroach BBQ. Actually the cockroach problem seems to be over. Still get the occasional creepy crawly but not very often.

You should see MY imperfections. They've written whole books against me.

Satan said...

Mmmmm.... Jennifer Lowenstien body. Mmmmm.

Diana Crabtree said...

Have you seen the Vanity Fair photo of tony curtis nude? Whenever I read "Jennifer Lowenstien" I think of his wife in that photo. She looks really beautiful and sexy (for a 60+ year old!) LMAO!!!!

Diana Crabtree said...

Imperfect? Satan? Yeah right!

Satan said...

No I haven't seen the photo. I'm not sure mine eyes would survive Tony Curtis nude. I'm sure there are plenty of very sexty year old women out there. I'm not really in the market though.

Satan said...

Placing the exclamation mark at the end of 'Yeah right' just makes it look as though you emphatically agreeing with me. Go easy.

Diana Crabtree said...

Just because you are on a diet doesn't mean you cant look at the menu.

Think: "fine wine"

Diana Crabtree said...

I meant it affirmatively that satan is imperfect.

In real life I know you are flawless

Satan said...

You're absolutely correct. I'll go out at lunch and get me some perve action on some biddies.

Diana Crabtree said...

Look, but don't touch

Satan said...

I'll also get myself some police action.

You're right I am floorless, I can never go to low.

Diana Crabtree said...

Ah ha! you detacted my Aussie accent ;)

Diana Crabtree said...

Satan, Hate of my Death,

I want to get my circadians back in order, so I am going to pop a valerian and read a book.

Diana Crabtree said...

As always you have made me smile- always appreciated :)

Satan said...

Enjoy the rythmns baby, enjoy the rythmns.

Catch ya another time.

Diana Crabtree said...

And I want to torture you by making you work

Satan said...

Ha! Never, Ah haha hahaha hahhaaa

Doh! Look at that pile of paper work. SHIT! Better get to it.

Diana Crabtree said...

Sorry to make you work- revenge for hitler