Saturday, June 04, 2005

Purging

My eyelashes are soaked with tears right now. I just watched Spanglish, a sweet movie about families, with a stunningly beautiful actress Paz Vega who looked remarkably like my stunningly beautiful mother.

It's not the stupid movie of course, it's not the time of the month, it's the culmunation of the terrible stress of May coming out. I know it's good. Anytime I can cry it's good. I just am unhappy that this wonderful vacation has to end. It has felt so wonderful to be in my home, alone, and to be so ugly, to be so shamelessly lathargic, and tomorrow I have to re-enter the real world, where I think I am being judged, and after the second half of May, I learned I sometimes am.

I know I am not going to walk into a snake pit tomorrow, the grand majority of our pilots are beautiful and fun, My experience with those assholes is really the exception, I have nothing to fear. I know that Emma doesn't hate me, she isn't constantly complaining about me (and if she is it is the same kind of venting I do about her.) It's not Emma, or the pilots, or the passengers for that matter, that I am dreading returning to, it is that fucking feeling. That feeling that I am being evaluated. That feeling that I am being judged. My god it wears on me.

I should feel thankful that there is a name for this. If Social Phobia is common enough to have a name than it must be common enough to have been studied. If a phobia of flying can be cured, or at least made manageable, than maybe this can too. I am so glad I am in therapy (when I started I was not aware of just how much I needed it- I just knew I was having a hard time cleaning) I am so glad I have a psychiatrist appointment in a week. I know that things are changing for me, I can feel them. And I know feeling pain is part of the bargain of being healthy.

I don't want another night of staying up late getting things done. I want a good night's sleep tonight. That means I have to finish up packing and load all of the boxes back in my room- I still am yet to have created a place for everything- I am not beating myself up, just illustrating a symptom. I want to get back to being healthy. I was feeling great when I was eating healthy & excercising.

I feel better having gotten this off of my chest. I feel better having cried. I feel better remembering that I am moving in the right direction, bumpy as the road may be.

Mood: calm (and dont want to go back to being anxious!)

7 comments:

Diana Crabtree said...

Before becoming suicidal, I was ambitious, I pushed myself. Afterward, to stay alive, I stopped, I accepted myself as I was, a fat, eccentric, flight attendant. As I have gained more strength I have been able to push myself again, but I liked the sweet, accepting me better. How do I learn to accept myself and still accomplish things?

Anonymous said...

In part by knowing and really believing that those of us who know you and care for you accept you exactly as you are.... sweet and accepting has its place...but so do determined and demanding....determine what you want...demand to get it and do what you need to to get it....
you ARE gaining more strength, day by day....

Richard

Satan said...

Another victim of Mr James L Brooks, I see! He plucks heart strings the way some people play a mandolin.

I did enjoy the very fat (I can't believe they used those Camera Angles) Mr Sandler.

Sorry? was there more to that post...

B said...

I totally think I have the social phobia too. Probably not as bad as you because most of the time it does not prevent me from leaving, but I am constantly thinking every person is evaluating every inch of me. Every person, as if they actually gave a shit about me... lol
As much as you loved the vacation, I think getting back to the norm will also help you get to feeling better, and because staying in bed is horrible for depression I think it will also help with that.
Love you... Keep safe my sailor ;)

Jay said...

I'm sure I don't have to tell anyone that I loved Spanglish.

Anyhow, May is over, hopefully June will bring sun and good times aplenty.

Diana Crabtree said...

Satan, I think Jay would agree with me that Adam Sandler looked H-O-T HOT in the film. He wears it well.

Diana Crabtree said...

I think Satan may be right (except for the A.S. thing) I should look into more of those movies...that cry was as good as a bottle of wine!