Friday, June 03, 2005

Sweet Solitude

I can't believe that I ever thought I didn't like myself. I like myself alot. I am my own favorite company. I am blessed this week because Emma is out of town and I have an extended period of days off. I am completely, and utterly alone- and I could not be happier!

The difference between an introvert and an extrovert is where you get your energy from. Extroverts get their energy from other people, introverts from being alone. For years I tested as 50/50. At times I like being the center of attention, I LOVE being adored! But as the years have passed I need that less and less. I am happy to watch and enjoy my friend being the star- and actually I have begun to dislike attention, including positive attention. I think that genuinely comes from self-esteem, I am getting better at guaging my value based on my own opinions, not on how I am recieved by others, maybe the love of attention was actually some validation I was looking for.

It is hard to explain what this lovely feeling I am feeling is. All my self-conciousness is dropped off. I am not concerned about how I might appear to anyone (I am very self concious that people are always evaluating me- oh yeah- thats called social phobia!) Wow, thats what it is. It is a temporary reprieve from the pain of social phobia. I am not able to feel this way when I have the whole day to myself and Emma will be home at the end of it, because I know she will be coming home, so I feel like I have to be ready, to be presentable, to "appear" normal. But not now. My hair is in an afro. I have coffee breath. I am wearing jeans with a silly pyjama tank top. And no one will ever know (well they wouldn't have- had I not posted it on the WORLDWIDE web) hee hee

I do love this feeling, and I wish I could have it at least once a month, but that doesn't mean I should live alone. Phobias are curable with Desensitization. Its when you expose yourself a little at a time to the phobia it gets weaker and weaker. The longer I go with out interacting with people, the stronger it gets, which is one of the reasons my job is so good for me, I do tons of public speaking, I have to directly speak to people and tell them what to do, and the interactions are temporary and relatively short, so if I feel I have been percieved negatively, I am rid of them in an hour.

If I had the choice of living alone again I would choose not to. If I ever get married I want to be used to sharing space, and a few years ago I went without a roommate for a month, and I got lonely! If Emma did move I would, however want a flight crew member to be my roommate, because then I would have more times like this week, where I could know I would have the whole day alone, and free from the percieved judgement of the world, like I am now....ahhhhhh!

mood: zen

J / Joan Armatrading lyrics / Me Myself I

Me Myself I

by Joan Armatrading

I sit here by myself
And you know I love it
You know I don't want someone
To come pay a visit
I wanna be by myself
I came in this world alone
Me myself I

I wanna go to China
And to see Japan
I'd like to sail the oceans
before the seas run dry
I wanna go by myself
I've just room enough for one
My myself I

I wanna be a bigshot
And have ninety cars
I wanna have a boyfriend
And a girl for laughs
But only on saturdays
Six days to be alone
Just me myself I
Me myself and I
Just me myself I

Don't wanna be the bad guy
Don't wanna make a soul cry
It's not that I love my self
I just don't want company
Just me myself I
Me myself and I
Just me myself I

I sit here by myself
And you know I love it
You know I don't want someone
To come pay a visit
I wanna be by myself
I came in this world alone
Me myself I


Anonymous said...

Hi Diana

I frequently play this song on stage, so I can really identify with your post:

One Man Guy

People will know when they see this show,
the kind of a guy I am,
they’ll understand just what I stand for,
and what I just can't stand,

they’ll perceive what I believe in
and what I know is true
and they’ll recognise I’m a one man guy,
always was through and through

Yeah I’m a one man guy in the morning,
I’m the same in the afternoon,
One man guy when the sun goes down,
I whistle me a one man tune

One man guy, one man guy,
only kind of guy to be,
one man guy, I’m a one man guy,
and the one man is me

People meditate, hey that’s just great,
trying to find an inner you,
and people depend on family and friends,
other folks to get you through

I don’t know why this is a one man guy,
I don’t know why this is a one man show,
but these three cubic feet of bone and blood and meat
are what I love and know,

cause I’m a one man guy ........

I’m gonna bath and shave and dress myself and
eat solo every night,
unplug the phone sleep alone, stay way out of sight,
sure it’s kind of lonely, yeah its sort of sick,
being your own one and only is a selfish dirty trick,

cause I’m a one man guy.........


Diana Crabtree said...

Cool song. Please post a link to it if there are any.

Anonymous said...

You can find it, along with all the other lyrics to the songs of Loudon Wainwright III at:

The song is called "One Man Guy" and it's in the alphabetical list to the very right.

I also really love "Suicide Song" and "Glenville Reel," they're written to be played right in order, first one, and then right into the other with no's just a new song in a new key....