Every day is an ice cream day, but today is a BIG TIME ice cream day!
I didn't take my medication last night because I was already in bed (on a loft) and I thought it wouldn't be a big deal- I could take it when I got up to go to the bathroom- but I never remembered. My day went okay- I didn't feel like I did around my birthday or anything, but then I went off the deep end.
I was on Spider's blog trying to do a "communication experiment"- it was as dorky as it sounds. (no, thats not even the deep end) well I am sitting there doing a rediculously dorky thing and that is pointed out (actually no one really said dorky, they said "funny" -which it was) and you would have thought I was an 8 year old in a schoolyard I was so upset...I realized soon enough that I was being silly, but felt bad enough that I wanted to leave the situation. I made a joke about it and even though I knew it was stupid I took a shower and felt all pitiful and hurt. When I got out to put on deodarant I remembered about my medication and took it.
Emma has friends over and everything she said stung like she has just bullied me intentionally. Emma responded to something in reference to me with "I don't know" ooh! how harsh! and I felt genuine offense! The experience today was yucky. Spider also got shook up from the process, she was seeing it as making up with someone who she percieved meant her harm, and I couldnt tell she was getting more and more upset until it was all over.
In spite of all the unpleasantness I sure got a reminder of how I am without my medication! Remember when the curator was so snotty to me in the museum library? At this point I don't know if she actually snubbed me or if she was having a bad day. I can't believe I was spending every moment of my life this upset and seeing it as being normal! (well I knew it wasn't normal but I thought it was just the way my life is) I can see, from the fact that things have changed since I have increased my dosage- that this is how life should feel! It should feel hard- not uphill! A month ago when I woke up and saw the houseplant in my room I felt dread at the sight. The houseplant meant I was awake and had another uphill battle ahead of me. Now I am not excited to get out of bed for work, but I do and I get there...and I have been waking up on my days off at the early dawn hour of 11:00 instead of my noon to one wakeups a few weeks ago.
The house is filling with people. I am typing on the computer instead of sitting with them and chatting about people I don't know. I am sure I seem like a dork but my medication has kicked in so I am okay with that- not bawling in the shower. I am so glad I am in counseling and that I have medication.
I am also glad I have ice cream. And ice cream cones. Ice cream cones are better than bowls. With a bowl you can eat 3 big scoops in 10 minutes and hardly notice you had any. With a cone you have to lick and savor it. If you have 2 ice cream cones (the equivalent of a large bowl) you feel decadant and wonderful.