Monday, July 02, 2007

On the fence

On a half dose of Risperdal I am overwhelmed by anger. I am angry at the rudeness of people, I am angry at the leaders for their greed and willingess to kill innocent people. I am angry that my dad chose tequila instead of taking care of me when I had no one else in the world. I am angry that men's brains are wired to understand systems, instead of understanding people, and are so selfishly focused on competing with, instead of helping their fellow human beings. I am angry that the American economic system is stimulated by people and the enviroment being exploited. I am overwhelmed by anger, and that makes me angry. Can you imagine what it will be like when I have no Risperdal at all?

But then there is the flipside. Risperdal is raising my prolactin levels, and so I think my hormones are telling me I need a family. I want a family so desperately. I want to be madly in love with the father so the kids have a stable, healthy home to grow up in. This is nearly impossible in the condition I am in, I am angry and bitter, and at the same time have marriage and kids overtaking my mind. A lethal combination that will scare off any person, especially a man.

I think I will have to go off 100%, because going back on could give me tardive dyskinesia and diabetes, and of course a fat ass. Maybe my personality will be unattractive to men, but at least I won't want one so desperately. (And unless I get a better job, I can't afford a child on my own)

OH! That should really be my new life plan. To get a good paying job, so I can afford to adopt a parentless child. A man should not be in my life plan. It should only be a bonus if it happens, but I should no longer hope for it.

Yeah, I'll stop taking it.

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