Sunday, July 29, 2007

I get tired

I have been getting a lot less sleep on my trips the last few weeks. The trips have been fun, but the sleep limited. Yesterday I woke up at 5AM, got off work around 11AM, and went straight to Target to get invitations for the bridal shower I am throwing next month for my sister Linda. I then went to a coffee shop I like and made invitations out of 20 blank cards and a calligraphy pen.

Next thing I went shopping with Linda, then stayed at her house making little baggies full of hershey kisses until 1:30AM

Today was less of a good day. I am behind on one dose of anti-depressant (because my toiletry bag was left behind on the plane) and I am tired from 4 days of sleep deprivation.

My cousins are in town, but lately my anger has returned about my dad, not so much about the past, but the realization that we are still playing the "daddy-daughter game" where we pretend that we are a normal family, nothing has actually been resolved, all thats different is it is much less offensive for me to play along. My anger got re-sparked a few weeks ago when during a conversation with my dad, when I was sharing my struggles with depression, he made a comment that suggested I had a normal, healthy upbringing. Although delicate about it, I felt it would be undignified for me to let that go, and he had made some comment about me "venting" alot to him as a child, which was his interpretation I guess of me sobbing repeatedly for years "Dad! Stop drinking! I need a parent in my life!" When I explained to him the reality of the situation I think his response was satisfactory, but that didn't stop the reminder in my head that my dad doesn't feel as bad about my lost adolecence as I do. He doesn't see the damage he did- and yet I am forgiving him.

No, I am not wrong to forgive him, I just have to address this part of my life in therapy. My dad will forever be an aquaintence, he will never play the role of father to me, but I should still keep him in my life. FYI, in writing this I feel so overwhelmed with anger. My dad behaved very indifferent to me, as if I was his nagging wife and not his daughter. That was the most painful part, he used to really love me, and then he started drinking and decided I was a bitch.

So I was reluctant to call there today, at 5PM I called and learned that dinner took place at 3PM (huh?) but its all resolved now. I have another day off (yay!) and will go tomorrow. Hopefully after I have renewed my driver's licence (finally) and mailed out the invites and care package for my sponsor child.

More complaining- last night when I was chatting with Linda I confessed some of my anger about people. We had a little wine, and I dont think she intended to but Linda was critisizing some of my ideas, which really hurt my feelings, because I have a little "tough love" in me, and I am very self concious about anything that makes me sound remotely like a republican. I think it was a knee-jerk response from her, the kind you would use in a debate on the opposite side as you, and it hurt a little.

Then, to add to the unpleasantness yesterday my neighbor acted worse than usual. There was a mistake he made a month or so ago where he mistook me for another friend when I called. So he tried to invite me out drinking last night (even though I have told him I dont want to do drinking activities with him) and what I thought was a joke, I said I was his friend, and he said I was his friend, and I assumed (obviously) that it was a joke- since he was the one who called me.

I got home to see he wrote me an e-mail saying "its saturday night and I bet your sitting in your garbage house on the internet" He sent 2 emails afterwards apologizing for acting like an idiot, but I still sent him an e-mail saying to fuck off, and that it's funny to get insults from someone with "such superior coping choices" as him. He wrote back and said I was right and he wont "bother" me again. And I think thats fine. I don't like having drunks in my life in the first place, once they become hurtful what reason do I have to keep them around? Some people say addicts can reform, which is true, but it's more common that they just get worse.

At 5PM today I took a 2 hour nap. I felt like I couldn't stop myself. I know all this laziness today is because I am sincerely tired. Maybe my day could have been better spent, but I know this isn't depression, its fatigue.

No comments: