A week ago I was walking through the airport and felt a moment of pride. In 2002 when I was at the bottom, so low that I had a plan on how I would end my life, I agreed to give life a chance. Part of the agreement was I wouldn't do things the same way anymore- I wasn't going to be ambitious anymore, but I was willing to ride life out for awhile before making my "final" decision. I walked down the hall past huge, beautiful airplanes and reflected on how close my life is to the life I dreamt of having when I was young. I may be a little fatter and a little poorer than I imagined I would be, but then again, aren't we all? I felt so glad that I didn't give up- even though I saw nothing ahead of me but more pain.
That week, I read a post that related to my thoughts on the concourse. I was inspired by OG's attitude as she faced adversity. Her attitude kept her calm in crisis, so she could manuver her way out of it. I admired her attitude and faith, and said to myself "thats what you do when times are tough." Who knew I would faced with the opportunity to follow the example so soon?
When I learned Emma was moving in one month I couldn't form a thought I was so worried. I decided to sleep on it (not easy when your heart is pounding) but after posting about it and chatting with Satan for a bit (you heard me- Satan) I calmed down and was able to sleep. The next day I reflected on the thoughts I had while walking through the airport and OG's post and knew I had to embrace this as a positive- an opportunity to actively improve my life, even though I didn't choose to have that opportuinty at this moment. At thirty thousand feet my mind got to planning. And when I got home my body followed suit.
Things are going really smoothly with the moving process- both personally and with the process itself. Emma's mom left a message on the machine saying "I think you should choose happy instead of sad" which led me to assume Emma wasn't sure how to feel about this. I wrote her a "goodwill" card and gave her my copy of American Beauty (which she has told me literally 3 times that she wants if I am going to get rid of it.) In the card I wrote that she should choose happy. She is a person who wants to make life better, and isn't afraid of change, and that is admirable. She seemed to appreciate it.
I put the bills into files and tried to switch over the utilities to my name. I made a desision to only ask her to clean her room (I think the cleaning is the worst part of moving- and moving is hard enough.) I have already got all the bills programmed into my bill payer (proactive? me?) and Emma has already put in an application at an apartment :)
More great news, thanks to a GREAT presentation on my part (go Diana!) the owner is going to let me take over the lease 100% so I don't have to commit to anyone (making a pilot/flight attendant crashpad much more possible) and Emma's friend needs a temporary place to stay until november so I have 3 months to find a really solid, dependable roommate :)
Courage in the face of change is not a strong point for me (I am okay in a crisis, but after its over I fall to pieces.) Emma had the courage to make a change- scary as it may be, because how things were wasn't working. I had a choice to feel like a victim of circumstances, or embrace the change- and I am SO PROUD to have picked the latter!
mood: excited for the future :) (good anxious ;) )