I just hung out with Alan at a cool breakfast place this afternoon. It was hilarious, I am sitting there talking to him, and I look up, there is Ullrick! He looked silly, wearing a tiny blue shirt on his huge body. I went over and said hi, I got to shake hands with his girlfriend, who seemed very down to earth and sweet (I saw her feed Ullrick a bite from her fork, it was cute!) He was also hanging out with a guy who could have been named "Biff."
When Alan showed up I felt very anxious. When I hung out with him the first time I hadn't seen Charles in 5 months. But now I have seen Charles, and rememered the bond we had. The idea of developing a new bond, another that could be broken, really stressed me out. And I am yet to see his apartment, (he has confessed to being a packrat.) But the anxiety faded after we sat down and had coffee. Charles called while we were there, so I got to think of my ex, the guy I am dating, and my crush, all on the same day.
I really do enjoy his company. I think he enjoys mine too, though he seemed less smitten today then he did the other night. But then again, I was also less smitten today. He also has to study pediatrics, so I know he was preoccupied, but who knows, red flag? Responsibility? Who knows.
I think I am worn out. I think I should try to give up one of my trips. I am just burnt out. I am going to do that, I am going to put a trip up for someone to pick up.
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Therapy Lesson
One of the most powerful things I learned from my therapist is something I need to excercise right now. When I accomplish something I need to pat myself on the back, or reward myself, not start thinking about everything else that needs to get done.
Not only did I go through a six consecutive day workweek, the three days after I did my nails, went on a date, went to a psychiatrist appointment, broke up with my boyfriend, got an eye exam, hung out with my friend, and now I have pulled three large boxes of junk out of my room, rearranged my room, put up decorations, sorted through the boxes of stuff, put away the christmas decorations, wrapped 2 presents, did 3 loads of laundry, took out the garbage and recycling, did the dishes, and spackled and sanded in the kitchen.
So here goes..."Wow Diana, you should be proud of yourself...you have accomplished alot!"
Pre-therapy I wouldn't have given myself any praise. I would have told myself "it's about time" or I would beat myself up for not accomplishing more on the list of things that need to get done. It's no wonder I would get so paralyzed. There is always more to get done, so if I offered myself no praise when accomplishing things, only further criticism, I can see no reason why I would want to even make an effort.
So again..."Way to go...you not only got this all done, you got it done on days off when something very sad took place. You not only got it all done on days off when something sad took place, you did all of that after working six consecutive days. Diana, you are officially a ROCKSTAR!!!"
Not only did I go through a six consecutive day workweek, the three days after I did my nails, went on a date, went to a psychiatrist appointment, broke up with my boyfriend, got an eye exam, hung out with my friend, and now I have pulled three large boxes of junk out of my room, rearranged my room, put up decorations, sorted through the boxes of stuff, put away the christmas decorations, wrapped 2 presents, did 3 loads of laundry, took out the garbage and recycling, did the dishes, and spackled and sanded in the kitchen.
So here goes..."Wow Diana, you should be proud of yourself...you have accomplished alot!"
Pre-therapy I wouldn't have given myself any praise. I would have told myself "it's about time" or I would beat myself up for not accomplishing more on the list of things that need to get done. It's no wonder I would get so paralyzed. There is always more to get done, so if I offered myself no praise when accomplishing things, only further criticism, I can see no reason why I would want to even make an effort.
So again..."Way to go...you not only got this all done, you got it done on days off when something very sad took place. You not only got it all done on days off when something sad took place, you did all of that after working six consecutive days. Diana, you are officially a ROCKSTAR!!!"
Friday, January 12, 2007
Burn out
The picture of my eye below shows more than my dialated pupils, it shows unkempt eyebrows, acne, dark undereye area and puffy bags- I'm worn out!
I worked six consecutive days, did laundry, went on a date, went to a psychiatrist's appointment, broke up with my boyfriend, went to an eye appointment, and hung out with my old roommate Emma, and I have to go back to work the day after tomorrow.
I really wanted to clean my room. It takes time for me to get into it. Now I have promised my sister Linda (who just got ENGAGED at the Bellagio by the way) that I will go to some landscaping expo with her tomorrow. I just want to stop moving, I want to stop speaking to people. I just broke up with Charles! Oh my god!
I have been not-depressed before, and how did I get back to being depressed? I burnt myelf out. I am scared that that is where I am going. But I have to be there for Linda, there is a 30% or more chance she might choose me as maid of honor. I have to show her I wont let her down. I can't let her down tomorrow...can I?
I think I should stop fretting and just go to sleep. I think the fact that I fell asleep at 1:30 last night and got up at 7:30 in addition to two consecutive days drinking and OH YEAH the fact that I just broke up with my boyfriend, could all have to do with my feeling worn out. I have had a busy week!
I worked six consecutive days, did laundry, went on a date, went to a psychiatrist's appointment, broke up with my boyfriend, went to an eye appointment, and hung out with my old roommate Emma, and I have to go back to work the day after tomorrow.
I really wanted to clean my room. It takes time for me to get into it. Now I have promised my sister Linda (who just got ENGAGED at the Bellagio by the way) that I will go to some landscaping expo with her tomorrow. I just want to stop moving, I want to stop speaking to people. I just broke up with Charles! Oh my god!
I have been not-depressed before, and how did I get back to being depressed? I burnt myelf out. I am scared that that is where I am going. But I have to be there for Linda, there is a 30% or more chance she might choose me as maid of honor. I have to show her I wont let her down. I can't let her down tomorrow...can I?
I think I should stop fretting and just go to sleep. I think the fact that I fell asleep at 1:30 last night and got up at 7:30 in addition to two consecutive days drinking and OH YEAH the fact that I just broke up with my boyfriend, could all have to do with my feeling worn out. I have had a busy week!
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Well, I did it
I still feel short of breath. Hurting him feels like hurting myself.
It went okay, I guess. He said he could never hate me. But he disagrees with me.
This is the right thing, right? Right, I guess. But I feel like he is already my family. I want so much to let him cry on my shoulder about that bitch who hurt him. Oh, and not only did I just break up with him, I cheated on him twice! (no, I will never tell him that.)
Ow, my chest really feels tight. I just want to hold him and comfort him. I just want to take away all of his hurt and stress. I wish I was able to cry, because I really need the release. Ouch.
It went okay, I guess. He said he could never hate me. But he disagrees with me.
This is the right thing, right? Right, I guess. But I feel like he is already my family. I want so much to let him cry on my shoulder about that bitch who hurt him. Oh, and not only did I just break up with him, I cheated on him twice! (no, I will never tell him that.)
Ow, my chest really feels tight. I just want to hold him and comfort him. I just want to take away all of his hurt and stress. I wish I was able to cry, because I really need the release. Ouch.
Here goes...
I will be at Charles' house in 45 minutes.
He was very cute on the phone. I said I would bring him something to eat, and I asked him if he wanted healthy or unhealthy. I said I would get healthy for myself and unhealthy for him. He said "You want to get unhealthy for me so I will die" It was very cute. I am very fond of him. I am glad that I feel that warmth towards him right now, because that guarantees that I will be warm in the way I do it. I have a cold streak in me where I could be very heartless about it, but I don't want to do that to him.
Uh...here goes...
He was very cute on the phone. I said I would bring him something to eat, and I asked him if he wanted healthy or unhealthy. I said I would get healthy for myself and unhealthy for him. He said "You want to get unhealthy for me so I will die" It was very cute. I am very fond of him. I am glad that I feel that warmth towards him right now, because that guarantees that I will be warm in the way I do it. I have a cold streak in me where I could be very heartless about it, but I don't want to do that to him.
Uh...here goes...
My night with Alan
Tonight was my date with Alan. We went to a fancy restaurant with GREAT food, then we went to a movie- "Dreamgirls" <--- his idea! Then we went to a dive bar afterwords.
He said I was really pretty. He said I was "a precious jewel" (he used a different word than precious the first time, I wish I could remember it, it was so cool. He also said I was pretty like the beach. No one has ever said either of those things to me.
Yes, I kissed him. I intended not to, but when it was happening I just didn't bother to say anything. So now I have officially cheated on Charles twice. There goes my record of being the girl who doesn't cheat (I have only ever cheated on my boyfriend who was in Juvie when I was 12, and on a very controlling boyfriend who I tried to break up with monthly)
He said I was really pretty. He said I was "a precious jewel" (he used a different word than precious the first time, I wish I could remember it, it was so cool. He also said I was pretty like the beach. No one has ever said either of those things to me.
Yes, I kissed him. I intended not to, but when it was happening I just didn't bother to say anything. So now I have officially cheated on Charles twice. There goes my record of being the girl who doesn't cheat (I have only ever cheated on my boyfriend who was in Juvie when I was 12, and on a very controlling boyfriend who I tried to break up with monthly)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Break up postponed
I spoke to Charles on the phone tonight. Apparently he returned home to learn his stuff was in storage, the owner of the townhouse was in a lease to own situation, and apparently couldn't afford the morgage payments when they began. I guess they didn't bother to tell him until he called to tell them he would arrive.
And his car has broken down too, someone was supposed to come fix it, but left him sitting at his house all day and then rescheduled.
And his voice, it was so low and quiet. Was I going to go to see him and just add to everything that he has lost his girlfriend too? I was going to call him back to get directions, and I decided to check up on his state of mind. I said "you've had such a rough day, are you sure you are up to an arguement?" he responded "do we have to argue?" (as if after 3 weeks of being blown off, with 5 months of little communication I would be in a hurry to hang out with him, expecting nothing) Of course when he said that I said "Yes, we do." We postponed the meeting for thursday which sucks, because I have a date tomorrow with Alan, and what kind of impression does it make for a girl to have a boyfriend in the first place, but then to have postponed the breakup for another day, it makes me look like I am two-timing Charles.
In a way I am cheating on him, we havent yet broken up, yet I am talking on the phone with a boy, even hanging out with him, in hopes to one day be more than friends. I can live with myself though, I'm not trying to have two relationships at once, Charles and I have had no relationship, and when I made an effort to invest in it, he just blew me off. We would have broken up a month ago but he wasn't here for me to do it in person, and thats what you are supposed to do, right? Your not supposed to break up over e-mail or the phone, right?
I don't feel (very) guilty, I really tried to make it work with him, and I came up against a brick wall. I have to believe that this is a cultural thing, because who blows off their girlfriend, doesn't speak to her for 3 weeks, doesn't even tell her when he will return home, and actually thinks that she will want to hang out with him without arguing? No one could be THAT clueless!
I just want to get this over with!
And his car has broken down too, someone was supposed to come fix it, but left him sitting at his house all day and then rescheduled.
And his voice, it was so low and quiet. Was I going to go to see him and just add to everything that he has lost his girlfriend too? I was going to call him back to get directions, and I decided to check up on his state of mind. I said "you've had such a rough day, are you sure you are up to an arguement?" he responded "do we have to argue?" (as if after 3 weeks of being blown off, with 5 months of little communication I would be in a hurry to hang out with him, expecting nothing) Of course when he said that I said "Yes, we do." We postponed the meeting for thursday which sucks, because I have a date tomorrow with Alan, and what kind of impression does it make for a girl to have a boyfriend in the first place, but then to have postponed the breakup for another day, it makes me look like I am two-timing Charles.
In a way I am cheating on him, we havent yet broken up, yet I am talking on the phone with a boy, even hanging out with him, in hopes to one day be more than friends. I can live with myself though, I'm not trying to have two relationships at once, Charles and I have had no relationship, and when I made an effort to invest in it, he just blew me off. We would have broken up a month ago but he wasn't here for me to do it in person, and thats what you are supposed to do, right? Your not supposed to break up over e-mail or the phone, right?
I don't feel (very) guilty, I really tried to make it work with him, and I came up against a brick wall. I have to believe that this is a cultural thing, because who blows off their girlfriend, doesn't speak to her for 3 weeks, doesn't even tell her when he will return home, and actually thinks that she will want to hang out with him without arguing? No one could be THAT clueless!
I just want to get this over with!
Monday, January 08, 2007
I am so happy to be tired and under stress!
I suppose the time to review the year is often done around new year’s, but I didn’t feel the need to do that, since every day is a day to review how far you have come, every day is the beginning or end of a year. Today I am sitting near the pool, in the sun in Tulsa, just like I was at new years a year ago in my post “Of course I end up standing next to the naked guy.” In that post I discussed getting drunk and making out with a boy, and how renewing it felt, and just last week I got drunk and made out with a boy, which felt very renewing. Last new years I faced the world as a single girl, and now I will soon face the world as a single girl. And last year in January I met a dreamboat named Charles, now this year I have met a man named Alan, who is turning out to be impressive.
The parallels are a good thing, because my good time in sunny Florida was an inspiration to have more fun in my life, and although the partying did not last (a good thing I am sure) my year was much better than the year prior. It would be a wonderful thing if this year went better than the year before, because last year was pretty good.
This is two years now that I have been writing a blog, and two years that I have been in therapy. I think going to therapy is the best thing I ever did. If I hadn’t gone to therapy, I could have faced my life as a woman with mental illness, always adding more and more medication, but never really escaping my painful past. Now, having done the work of therapy, I see myself as a woman who has had a difficult life, with the added difficulty of genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression, but who is unlearning the unhealthy thinking patterns that lead to further depression and anxiety.
Just look at me, I am taking care of myself as best as I can, not because I hate myself, but because I love myself and deserve it! Back in the day I wanted to lose weight because I considered myself worthless if I wasn’t beautiful, and I couldn’t even tell how beautiful I was. Today I want to lose weight because my heart and body deserves to work efficiently, and I want a good quality of life, because I deserve it. Years ago I took Metabolife, something that made my anxiety WORSE and that contained ephedrine, which has proven to be unhealthy for my body, but I still took it, I loathed myself so much that I would hurt my body in order to lose weight, instead of losing weight to help my body.
I can’t believe I am writing this about myself today. I was so sick, so sick. I thought I would never be happy again. I wanted to kill myself, because I thought life wouldn’t ever get better, but it did! I am so grateful that I stuck it out, that I had faith that life could be better, that I can see a future for myself, I never did back then. I am so proud!!!
The best part of having my blog is this very moment. I see that a few dozen people read my blog. I imagine they are attracted to it because I discuss issues like depression and suicide. It makes me so happy to imagine that someone who feels suicidal might see my blog, because I am living proof that a person can be as low as wanting to kill themselves, but if they just hold on, and just take tiny, tiny steps to make life better, sometimes that step is just not killing yourself, sometime that tiny step is just getting out of bed and going to work. I am proof that just by doing that. By having faith in medicine an psychology, you will get better!!! In fact, I think I will add some tags to this. I hope so much someone who is at the bottom will see this and see that just because they are underwater, there is air! Its up there, you just have to know its up there, keep moving, inch by inch, up there, getting help from medical professionals who study what makes people get to the point you are at, and just don’t give up. Don’t give up.
If you have been hurt or neglected in your life, its not your fault. It’s totally unfair. Know it and own it that it was unfair for you to be hurt, and in addition know it and own it that you will not hurt and neglect yourself. They shouldn’t have done it to you, and you shouldn’t do it to yourself, extending that pain out forever.
Today I feel tired and pretty blah, but feeling tired and pretty blah is a dream come true in comparison to being depressed. I feel under a lot of stress, I have to break up with my beloved boyfriend, my work schedule is heavy, and working out and losing weight isn’t as easy as I want it to be, but again, being stressed is a dream come true compared to being anxious about every little thing that could happen, worrying all the time that people hate me, worrying about money, worrying about everything, feeling guilty all the time. I’ll take the stress based on actual things, thank you very much. I might be having a hard week, but my life, looking at it with perspective, is going very well.
The parallels are a good thing, because my good time in sunny Florida was an inspiration to have more fun in my life, and although the partying did not last (a good thing I am sure) my year was much better than the year prior. It would be a wonderful thing if this year went better than the year before, because last year was pretty good.
This is two years now that I have been writing a blog, and two years that I have been in therapy. I think going to therapy is the best thing I ever did. If I hadn’t gone to therapy, I could have faced my life as a woman with mental illness, always adding more and more medication, but never really escaping my painful past. Now, having done the work of therapy, I see myself as a woman who has had a difficult life, with the added difficulty of genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression, but who is unlearning the unhealthy thinking patterns that lead to further depression and anxiety.
Just look at me, I am taking care of myself as best as I can, not because I hate myself, but because I love myself and deserve it! Back in the day I wanted to lose weight because I considered myself worthless if I wasn’t beautiful, and I couldn’t even tell how beautiful I was. Today I want to lose weight because my heart and body deserves to work efficiently, and I want a good quality of life, because I deserve it. Years ago I took Metabolife, something that made my anxiety WORSE and that contained ephedrine, which has proven to be unhealthy for my body, but I still took it, I loathed myself so much that I would hurt my body in order to lose weight, instead of losing weight to help my body.
I can’t believe I am writing this about myself today. I was so sick, so sick. I thought I would never be happy again. I wanted to kill myself, because I thought life wouldn’t ever get better, but it did! I am so grateful that I stuck it out, that I had faith that life could be better, that I can see a future for myself, I never did back then. I am so proud!!!
The best part of having my blog is this very moment. I see that a few dozen people read my blog. I imagine they are attracted to it because I discuss issues like depression and suicide. It makes me so happy to imagine that someone who feels suicidal might see my blog, because I am living proof that a person can be as low as wanting to kill themselves, but if they just hold on, and just take tiny, tiny steps to make life better, sometimes that step is just not killing yourself, sometime that tiny step is just getting out of bed and going to work. I am proof that just by doing that. By having faith in medicine an psychology, you will get better!!! In fact, I think I will add some tags to this. I hope so much someone who is at the bottom will see this and see that just because they are underwater, there is air! Its up there, you just have to know its up there, keep moving, inch by inch, up there, getting help from medical professionals who study what makes people get to the point you are at, and just don’t give up. Don’t give up.
If you have been hurt or neglected in your life, its not your fault. It’s totally unfair. Know it and own it that it was unfair for you to be hurt, and in addition know it and own it that you will not hurt and neglect yourself. They shouldn’t have done it to you, and you shouldn’t do it to yourself, extending that pain out forever.
Today I feel tired and pretty blah, but feeling tired and pretty blah is a dream come true in comparison to being depressed. I feel under a lot of stress, I have to break up with my beloved boyfriend, my work schedule is heavy, and working out and losing weight isn’t as easy as I want it to be, but again, being stressed is a dream come true compared to being anxious about every little thing that could happen, worrying all the time that people hate me, worrying about money, worrying about everything, feeling guilty all the time. I’ll take the stress based on actual things, thank you very much. I might be having a hard week, but my life, looking at it with perspective, is going very well.
Talked to Charles
Today I was on the plane wondering when the heck Charles would be back. When we landed I turned on the phone, and had a message from him! He's back!
I called him back and told him I wanted to set up a time to talk. I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone or in person, he said "in person, I want to see your face."
This is going to be very hard for me. Just hearing his voice I just wanted to let him apoligize and say "Your right, I love you so much, I miss you" and forget it ever happened. But I wont. I am going through with it, I am not going to cave. I can do this, I deserve better then I have gotten and what I would get if I continued the relationship.
We will talk on wednesday.
I called him back and told him I wanted to set up a time to talk. I asked him if he wanted to talk on the phone or in person, he said "in person, I want to see your face."
This is going to be very hard for me. Just hearing his voice I just wanted to let him apoligize and say "Your right, I love you so much, I miss you" and forget it ever happened. But I wont. I am going through with it, I am not going to cave. I can do this, I deserve better then I have gotten and what I would get if I continued the relationship.
We will talk on wednesday.
The cure for irritabilty and tiredness
This morning I felt like death. I sat in the car for a few extra minutes because I felt too tired to get out. In the plane I trudged through the beverage service then sat down. I thought about what I should do in the workout department, if I felt this rough, maybe I need more rest. I was very unsure of what to do.
I took out a cup and started drinking water. I drank a liter and a half. After drinking this I not only stopped feeling like death, I started to feel GOOD! Yes, that is probably it. All of the problems I have been having since I started working out has been dehydration.
Thank god :) Tomorrow I am going to work out instead of taking a light walk like I was considering :)
I took out a cup and started drinking water. I drank a liter and a half. After drinking this I not only stopped feeling like death, I started to feel GOOD! Yes, that is probably it. All of the problems I have been having since I started working out has been dehydration.
Thank god :) Tomorrow I am going to work out instead of taking a light walk like I was considering :)
Saturday, January 06, 2007
They don't call me CRABtree for nothing
It is so hard to find a balance with eating. I can eat twice a day's calories in one day if I just let myself eat all the fattening things I want. But, when I am trying to lose weight, if I dont pay attention to what I am eating, I will only eat 900 calories!
It is obvious why eating twice a days calories is a mistake, but so is eating 900 calories. It will slow down my metabolism, and likely lead to bingeing in the long run, due to hunger. A diet expert described it as "Dieting hard vs Dieting smart" to eat 900 calories is dieting hard, like holding your breath underwater. Dieting smart is to eat a healthy diet that is good for your health and manageable for the long term.
Today was one of those holding your breath underwater days. I ate cereal, a bag of tuna, an apple and a ham sandwich, and I was ready to call it a day and not eat anymore. Then I saw my captian eating a salad and I could not take my eyes off of it, it looked so delicious. So I went and got a bagel, and I felt much better. It is such a great feeling, to feel satisfied and nourished after you have been hungry. When I would eat all day I didn't get to feel that satisfaction of knowing my body has all the nourishment it needs for the moment. Eating was such a constant, so I didn't feel that extra enjoyment of a satisfying healthy meal.
But even if I have eaten enough today (I haven't counted but I am hopeful) there is still this agitation I have been feeling since I have started working out again. I have been feeling tired and cranky, and I remember now that this is the reason I have quit working out so many times before. Not only was I tired and cranky, I would become stupid, and heaven knows I can't make any more mistakes than I already do.
So if I am increasingly agitated since I started working out, then whats wrong? I have some theories. One, I may be dehydrated. Two, I may need a little extra sleep, at least while my body adjusts to this increase in activity. Three, excercise may be lifting my depression, and increased brain activity could increase my anxiety (it makes sense, anti-depressants seem to increase my anxiety.)
All of the above sound possible, but I have another possible theory...withdrawl. If I was using food to calm my anxiety, and now I don't have a steady stream of it, I am being forced to feel my anxiety. Maybe my expectations of my moods were unrealistic. Maybe I unreasonably expected myself to not be annoyed by the passengers, so I drugged myself with food to meet that expectation. But I have to say, I have been PRETTY ANNOYED lately.
Oh, who knows. I just really want to keep excercising and eating right. Maybe I should see a doctor and find out if they have heard of crankyness when a person has enough calories and sleep, but who's body is losing weight.
Oh well, I ought to go to sleep before I make the crabbyness worse.
It is obvious why eating twice a days calories is a mistake, but so is eating 900 calories. It will slow down my metabolism, and likely lead to bingeing in the long run, due to hunger. A diet expert described it as "Dieting hard vs Dieting smart" to eat 900 calories is dieting hard, like holding your breath underwater. Dieting smart is to eat a healthy diet that is good for your health and manageable for the long term.
Today was one of those holding your breath underwater days. I ate cereal, a bag of tuna, an apple and a ham sandwich, and I was ready to call it a day and not eat anymore. Then I saw my captian eating a salad and I could not take my eyes off of it, it looked so delicious. So I went and got a bagel, and I felt much better. It is such a great feeling, to feel satisfied and nourished after you have been hungry. When I would eat all day I didn't get to feel that satisfaction of knowing my body has all the nourishment it needs for the moment. Eating was such a constant, so I didn't feel that extra enjoyment of a satisfying healthy meal.
But even if I have eaten enough today (I haven't counted but I am hopeful) there is still this agitation I have been feeling since I have started working out again. I have been feeling tired and cranky, and I remember now that this is the reason I have quit working out so many times before. Not only was I tired and cranky, I would become stupid, and heaven knows I can't make any more mistakes than I already do.
So if I am increasingly agitated since I started working out, then whats wrong? I have some theories. One, I may be dehydrated. Two, I may need a little extra sleep, at least while my body adjusts to this increase in activity. Three, excercise may be lifting my depression, and increased brain activity could increase my anxiety (it makes sense, anti-depressants seem to increase my anxiety.)
All of the above sound possible, but I have another possible theory...withdrawl. If I was using food to calm my anxiety, and now I don't have a steady stream of it, I am being forced to feel my anxiety. Maybe my expectations of my moods were unrealistic. Maybe I unreasonably expected myself to not be annoyed by the passengers, so I drugged myself with food to meet that expectation. But I have to say, I have been PRETTY ANNOYED lately.
Oh, who knows. I just really want to keep excercising and eating right. Maybe I should see a doctor and find out if they have heard of crankyness when a person has enough calories and sleep, but who's body is losing weight.
Oh well, I ought to go to sleep before I make the crabbyness worse.
Friday, January 05, 2007
It feels so good to be so wrong!!!
Not only did Alan call me, we had a marvelous conversation! I was caffeined up, and was my natural self. Very peppy, positive, kind of corny, and honest with who I am. I told him that I liked hollywood movies that are easy and non-challenging to watch, and I was able to tease him a little, calling him a hipster and telling him not to judge me for my movie tastes.
I like him, and I feel so bad about hurting Charles. But maybe thats why Charles wants to wait to talk about it, maybe he plans to break up with me too! I hope things go well and we can be friends.
I am so happy about making a new friend too.
I like him, and I feel so bad about hurting Charles. But maybe thats why Charles wants to wait to talk about it, maybe he plans to break up with me too! I hope things go well and we can be friends.
I am so happy about making a new friend too.
Oh well
Well, my instincts tell me I will never hear from Alan again. At the end of our conversation the other day I told him that I have Charles, but intend to break up with him as soon as he gets back. He sounded surprised, but appreciative that I told him. I said I would call him today, but when I called there was no answer. My gut just tells me that's on purpose.
Oh man, I can't really be disappointed, because I am so disenchanted about relationships and I am sure some of my anger at Charles would be misdirected towards him.
Waah.
Oh man, I can't really be disappointed, because I am so disenchanted about relationships and I am sure some of my anger at Charles would be misdirected towards him.
Waah.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
I know the answer
The trick to not screwing things up with Alan is to think of him like a buddy. The whole point in these early stages is to just have fun. I should be thinking nothing of him as a partner in hard times and only think of him as a partner in fun.
I have a blast with my pilots. I can think of him as a pilot, one who I get to make out with. I sure hope there is chemistry that way...I would hate to have another fiasco like that. Oh well, if there isn't chemistry I always have my neighbor ;)
I have a blast with my pilots. I can think of him as a pilot, one who I get to make out with. I sure hope there is chemistry that way...I would hate to have another fiasco like that. Oh well, if there isn't chemistry I always have my neighbor ;)
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
A phone call
So you know that Alan, who's number I got last night? Well he called me...the next day! Today!
It was weird. All of the things I have wanted in a guy, he seemed to be into. He works out 3 times per week, he does a 100 mile bicycle event every year. Not just into excercise, but bicycling! He is in a band, so he has that creative part of him, and he plays guitar, which would totally fit into my family. What else? He is passionate about music, which I no longer am, but would love to date someone who is, so he could make me hip again ;)
Most of all he seemed really well-adjusted. I, of course was sitting thinking about how he was too good for me, but that sort of thinking wont get me anywhere. I did tell him about Charles, and that I have every intention of breaking up with him, and his response was very cool, cooler than I was about it.
I hope that I am not so weighed down with baggage that I would miss an opportunity like this. I would never have the courage to talk to him, but my roommate did. And then I would never call him, but he called me. So I am already in a position that I wouldn't regularly see myself in, so I am a little clueless on what to say and do. I think most important is to be appealing and confident, and not to sabotauge myself.
Aye Yae Yae!
It was weird. All of the things I have wanted in a guy, he seemed to be into. He works out 3 times per week, he does a 100 mile bicycle event every year. Not just into excercise, but bicycling! He is in a band, so he has that creative part of him, and he plays guitar, which would totally fit into my family. What else? He is passionate about music, which I no longer am, but would love to date someone who is, so he could make me hip again ;)
Most of all he seemed really well-adjusted. I, of course was sitting thinking about how he was too good for me, but that sort of thinking wont get me anywhere. I did tell him about Charles, and that I have every intention of breaking up with him, and his response was very cool, cooler than I was about it.
I hope that I am not so weighed down with baggage that I would miss an opportunity like this. I would never have the courage to talk to him, but my roommate did. And then I would never call him, but he called me. So I am already in a position that I wouldn't regularly see myself in, so I am a little clueless on what to say and do. I think most important is to be appealing and confident, and not to sabotauge myself.
Aye Yae Yae!
Ha ha
yeah, so it's 3:10 AM. I just made out with my neighbor, and got some guy named "Alan'"s phine number. A good roommate would have stopped me before going upstairs to make out with him, but NOOOOOOO. Bad roommate, bad. Its all her fault.
BAAAAD
BAAAAD
Monday, January 01, 2007
Powerful Motivation
Today I ate well, and then ate a 1380 calorie box of christmas chocolates. I have been anxious the last couple of days and I just played on the computer mindlessly eating chocolate after chocolate after chocolate.
I thought for a second what I must look like eating these chocolates. In my head I look like Giselle Bundchen eating chocolate after chocolate after chocolate, and as we all know, Giselle Bundchen is so georgeous that she would look good doing it. Then I thought of the fact that I do not look like Giselle Bundchen, so I decided to see what I do look like.
I had my roommate take my picture, in my stretchy pajamas, staring at a computer screen, eating a chocolate. Not a nice sight. I contemplated posting the picture, but it was simply too ugly. Damn, damn, ugly.
I think the picture will help. When I am feeling like pigging out I will look at that picture and know that is what I look like. Then I will pick up carrots, drink some water, or best of all, work out.
Hmmm, I should take a picture of my bedroom too!
I thought for a second what I must look like eating these chocolates. In my head I look like Giselle Bundchen eating chocolate after chocolate after chocolate, and as we all know, Giselle Bundchen is so georgeous that she would look good doing it. Then I thought of the fact that I do not look like Giselle Bundchen, so I decided to see what I do look like.
I had my roommate take my picture, in my stretchy pajamas, staring at a computer screen, eating a chocolate. Not a nice sight. I contemplated posting the picture, but it was simply too ugly. Damn, damn, ugly.
I think the picture will help. When I am feeling like pigging out I will look at that picture and know that is what I look like. Then I will pick up carrots, drink some water, or best of all, work out.
Hmmm, I should take a picture of my bedroom too!
Nightmares
I forgot to take my medications last night, and my dreams were just awful!
I dreamt that I was sitting in a room and a math teacher handed me a graded pop quiz with 20% on it. I freaked out, I had been registered for these classes but not going or studying (you know, not being in school and all.) This is a recurring dream, not so much now as a few years ago.
Later in the dream I had returned a luggage cart to the rack to collect my quarter, and quarters kept coming out, more and more at a time, so I just kept taking them. When they stopped coming out a man who had been standing next to me arrested me for taking more than the quarter that was due to me. I protested that I was taking the quarters so I could report it to the company (which I was contemplating doing) but they wouldn't hear of it, and I was in trouble. It was possible I was going on probation, but no matter what I had a crime on my record, AND I was failing all of my classes. I realized this was all too awful and started blinking my eyes, and yes, I woke up.
But when I fell back asleep I dreamt that I had parked my car in a specific place, but when I looked for that place I ended up far away. It was cold and there was very deep snow, so I knew I couldn't get it on my own. I was somehow kidnapped, and with my friend's young cousin. It was known that I would be raped. We were driving in a car and I knew that we were approaching where my car was parked. The kidnapper answered a phone call and I whispered to the girl "If I tell you to run, run." The kidnapper then put down the phone and said "if you run than it will be the little girl getting raped." I got SOO angry and I reached over the little girl and said to him, while he was driving, "I am going to kick your ass, I don't care what happens" and right as I started to punch him "RIIIIIIIIIINGGG!" my wake up call. I got up, took my medication, and drank a cup of coffee, thankful.
I dreamt that I was sitting in a room and a math teacher handed me a graded pop quiz with 20% on it. I freaked out, I had been registered for these classes but not going or studying (you know, not being in school and all.) This is a recurring dream, not so much now as a few years ago.
Later in the dream I had returned a luggage cart to the rack to collect my quarter, and quarters kept coming out, more and more at a time, so I just kept taking them. When they stopped coming out a man who had been standing next to me arrested me for taking more than the quarter that was due to me. I protested that I was taking the quarters so I could report it to the company (which I was contemplating doing) but they wouldn't hear of it, and I was in trouble. It was possible I was going on probation, but no matter what I had a crime on my record, AND I was failing all of my classes. I realized this was all too awful and started blinking my eyes, and yes, I woke up.
But when I fell back asleep I dreamt that I had parked my car in a specific place, but when I looked for that place I ended up far away. It was cold and there was very deep snow, so I knew I couldn't get it on my own. I was somehow kidnapped, and with my friend's young cousin. It was known that I would be raped. We were driving in a car and I knew that we were approaching where my car was parked. The kidnapper answered a phone call and I whispered to the girl "If I tell you to run, run." The kidnapper then put down the phone and said "if you run than it will be the little girl getting raped." I got SOO angry and I reached over the little girl and said to him, while he was driving, "I am going to kick your ass, I don't care what happens" and right as I started to punch him "RIIIIIIIIIINGGG!" my wake up call. I got up, took my medication, and drank a cup of coffee, thankful.
Happy New Year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am writing this on the airplane, ten minutes after the beginning of the new year in my time zone. However, I am traveling to a time zone when it is not the new year yet. So the question is, what new year do I celebrate? Well I have the solution, celebrate both!!!
The new year from my time zone is the one that matters to me I think. I got so excited, I turned on my computer (which has a second hand on the clock) and saw that it was 3 minutes to the new year! I gathered 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist and rang the flight deck call button “can I come up for the countdown?” I ask the captian, “sure” he says, and I stand with my hands full, waiting for the door to unlock. Nothing. So I ring their call button again but hang up, because it is too hard to hold all of this and the phone at the same time. I get nothing. Then they chime me “The F/O would like a cup of coffee” the captain tells me. Okay, so I grab the cup of coffee, and am now balancing a laptop, cup of coffee, 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist in my hands. I am not sure how I called them after that but I finally got up there.
I quickly handed off the coffee and diet sierra mist to them and opened up my computer “are you ready for the countdown?” I said cheerfully. “It’s over” they said. “Huh?” and after I got the computer screen back up, there it was, 0:00:07. “It’s all your fault- I missed it getting your stupid coffee!” I said to the F/O. And then we poured the diet sierra mist, the captian had orange juice, and we toasted to a new year.
Now for the next time zone’s new year I am considering doing a countdown over the PA with the passengers, but I am scared they will be silent. MMMMM, I’ll let you know what happens.
The new year from my time zone is the one that matters to me I think. I got so excited, I turned on my computer (which has a second hand on the clock) and saw that it was 3 minutes to the new year! I gathered 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist and rang the flight deck call button “can I come up for the countdown?” I ask the captian, “sure” he says, and I stand with my hands full, waiting for the door to unlock. Nothing. So I ring their call button again but hang up, because it is too hard to hold all of this and the phone at the same time. I get nothing. Then they chime me “The F/O would like a cup of coffee” the captain tells me. Okay, so I grab the cup of coffee, and am now balancing a laptop, cup of coffee, 3 cups and a can of diet sierra mist in my hands. I am not sure how I called them after that but I finally got up there.
I quickly handed off the coffee and diet sierra mist to them and opened up my computer “are you ready for the countdown?” I said cheerfully. “It’s over” they said. “Huh?” and after I got the computer screen back up, there it was, 0:00:07. “It’s all your fault- I missed it getting your stupid coffee!” I said to the F/O. And then we poured the diet sierra mist, the captian had orange juice, and we toasted to a new year.
Now for the next time zone’s new year I am considering doing a countdown over the PA with the passengers, but I am scared they will be silent. MMMMM, I’ll let you know what happens.
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