Friday, December 08, 2006

Woah! Did I just press "send" ???

Hi Charles.

I think we should rethink you moving in right away. I just don't feel that our relationship is strong enough right now for us to take a big step like that.

Right now the only way I know I am in a relationship is that I am not allowed to date or have sex. Thats the only way I know. Otherwise I feel no different than someone who is single. I am faithful because I am loyal, not because I feel fulfilled in my relationship. I don't.

It is more than just missing you or feeling lonely. I have no idea what is going on in your life. No, I don't tell you either, but that is because there is no reciprocity. I wrote long letters at the beginning, and then didn't hear from you at all. Now I have sent you a long e-mail, but that was a week ago and I have heard nothing. I need more than an "I miss you" and "I love you." I need for us to be a part of each others lives. I need to know the little things. I need to know about the little boy you saw in a village who reminded you of yourself. I need to know about the fun night you had with your sister. I need some conversation, and it doesn't require money for a phone call, e-mails will do. Skype would work well too, but you havent shown any interest in that.

I really feel that I am not a priority in your life. I sort of feel like you have taken my love and willingness to be boyfriend-less for months and taken me for granted. I feel totally on the backburner, someone only to be appeased with a few "I love yous" but not something that is a priority. Here is an example: I had your picture on my phone, my desktop and on Yahoo log-in. You lost or deleted my pictures so I had to send them again. You didn't even feel the need to look at my picture in all of that time.

Maybe this is all a sign? I don't know. I want to stay together until you come back, but maybe we need to really examine what we are doing here.

I really do love you, and I hope things will work out.


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