I am growing more and more upset by the minute. I have expressed to you how I felt, but it seemed you thought my frustration was about simply missing you, and having you gone. Maybe to fool myself I let myself go along with that way of seeing it, that I was “getting tired of the circumstances” but it is not the circumstances that I am upset about, it is your investment in our relationship, and possibly the nature of our relationship altogether.
My roommate has a boyfriend in Morocco. They Skype once a week and e-mail a few times a week. She has a very difficult time missing him too, but they are a part of each other’s lives. I have had long distnce relationships before. The difference between them and what we have is they were actually relationships. What we have right now is not a relationship. It is “I love you” and “I miss you” over the phone once every week or two.
I know that one thing that you love about me is that I am sweet, and want to make you happy. But to think that I would accept you leaving for 5 months without any communication of substance is absurd, absolutely absurd.
At first I was almost excited about your trip. You were going to travel to a beautiful, exciting country, doing meaningful research and I, as your girlfriend, got to be in your “inner circle.” I would get to see photographs of beautiful landscape in the different villages, I would get to read stories, good and bad, about the people you met on your journeys, and I would able to be a source of support when you were feeling stressed. When my friends and family asked how you were doing I could brag about the work you were doing, and you and I would grow closer from the distance “absence makes the heart grow fonder” they say.
Instead I have felt like a nobody. I have felt like the stupid girl you have hanging on a string that is there to cheer you up when you have a chance to call, but cannot call you or have any way of getting a hold of you. Now when people ask about you, instead of feeling proud I feel embarrassed. I feel like a person who lets herself be ignored by someone who supposedly “loves“ her, but keeps on going back for more.
Every day that I don’t have any communication with you is another day I grow apart from you. I have gone through stages, and I am afraid my feelings are fading. I have lost all enthusiasm for the relationship because I am receiving no rewards from the relationship, the only thing the relationship consists of is being alone, and 5 minutes of “I love yous” every week or so.
Having my feelings fade to this point is giving me some objectivity I wish I didn’t have. I am beginning to question the substance of our relationship. Is it possible that our relationship is actually only infatuation? That we are two people, who need affection, and who found an appealing person to give and receive that affection with, but that that is the extent that our relationship is?
++++++++++And then it was time for the plane to land++++++++++++++++++++++++++