Monday, December 11, 2006

I am ready to break up

When someone is addicted to alcohol or drugs, their personality changes, they will manipulate the people who love them to defend their habit, they will love their habit more than they love the people in their lives, and they will be absent from the people who love them, sometimes physically, but even if they are physically there, if they are drunk or high they still aren't "there." The death of my mom and having my alcoholic dad as the only one there to raise me made my own mental stability very fragile. Fortunately at the time I was able to build emotional defenses to survive.

Unfortunately those defenses are still there. I have been able to wear them away over time, with the help of medication and therapy, but some still remain. Although I have gotten better, it takes a long time for me to trust someone, and once I feel I have been wronged, those defenses snap right back into place, and once this has happened they may never come down again.

Right now that is how I feel about Charles. I am just ready to break up with him. I feel like our whole relationship is a fucking joke. I have spent 3 months just missing him, and wishing I would hear from him more, but it took until now to realize just how little he has communicated! He has sent me NO pictures. He has e-mailed me NO stories of things that have happened. He has told me next to nothing about his research, and he actually LOST the pictures that I e-mailed him! And it's not like I can get in touch with him! His phone doesn't have voicemail, and it is nearly never on. I sent him the e-mail from 2 posts ago, and while I received a phone call from him, he obviously hasn't read it yet, because he said the same old shit "I love you BAY-BEEE," words that once sounded like music to me, but now sound like a reminder of what an empty shell my relationship is right now.

And it's not like I haven't told him how I feel. I have told him so many times that I need more communication from him and all I get is "I miss you so much" and "I love you." Which fill me up at the time, but it has taken me until now to realize his actions don't match his words. If he missed me as much as he says, he would write to me at least as often as I wrote him.

I know that the man is prone to stress. He has the weight of his whole family's economic survivial on his shoulders. He is doing the research for a PhD on very little money, and he has lived in a "Foriegn" country for 4 years (and the U.S. is no walk in the park when you come from somewhere with a different lifestyle.) But he claims that after he talks to me he is always in a better mood, so why not talk to me on a regular basis? When he first left I wrote him long e-mails, but not hearing anything back hurt, so I didn't want to keep sending them.

One of two things may be happening here. One may be completely cultural. All countries have different definitions of what a good "relationship" is, and I know so little about his culture that I could not tell you if this is acceptable or not. But in my culture it is not acceptable, so there needs to be a happy medium. I have tolerated cultural traditions of his, so he will have to tolerate mine.

Two, our relationship might be not enough for the long term. We might be two lonely people, me because of my childhood, him because he is so far from home, who relish the feeling of being loved by someone we find appealing. Him, I find appealing because of his accomplishments, intelligence, and that he is so down-to-earth. (I think) he finds me appealing because of my looks and sweetness (and I am sure being a native is an appealing trait in a partner to someone from a different land.) Maybe that is all our relationship is. We do have discussions now and then, but most of the time it is just sweet talk. It is glorious, but that can't maintian a relationship.

And even if it is neither of the above, I can see now how I could be treated in the future if he gets busy. I could be put on the back burner, expected to just sit quietly and wait. Thats how I feel right now. I feel like someone there to boost his mood and his ego when he wants it, and expected to sit, FAITHFUL and alone, for months, and not feel that I deserve anything more than those scraps thrown at me when he can.

Damn. I have already started daydreaming of our beautiful and smart daughter and her responsible and charming younger brother. It saddens me to imagine that this relationship could not only not last forever, but could even be coming to an end.

In the past I would dump the guy right now and move on. I will not do that this time, I am going to give the relationship a chance. But I can't start a new habit of expecting less than I deserve, I can't settle for less than I deserve.


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