Every now and then I am getting the urge not to break up with Charles. It would be so easy, just go along with his perception, that I am "overreacting" to a situation in which he was "powerless" to do anything, and then I can go back to the daily "I love you BAYBEEEEE" which, coming from a man you admire greatly, is like a drug.
But still, even though there could be enough steam in the relationship to keep it tugging along for awhile more, doesn't mean we should stay together. It will be so hard. I hate hurting him, so much that I would rather say "yes baby" to everything he says than tell the truth, but I can't be unwilling to hurt him at my own expense. The sad thing is, it's my history to do that, to bend my feelings in order to stay in a relationship that doesn't serve me. Again, that is habit, learned by my relationship with my dad.
I think it will also be hard to change to friendship. I hope, I guess, that he will want to keep some distance for awhile. It would be easier for me to pretend he never existed, I have the scary ability to do that, but that would not honor him or myself, and I really do admire him, and want him in my life (right?)
He really blew it.