Sunday, December 24, 2006


I have been doing very well in taking care of myself these last few days. I have made low fat choices and excercised daily, and I have felt really good as a result of it.

I have figured out a better word than "crush" to describe my feelings about trainer Derek. He is less of a crush, and more of a "muse." His body is an exageratted symbol of exercise. I wont say "health" because to have a body like his I think you need steroids, but his body is obviously a result of a lot of exercise and low-fat foods.

At first I was a little upset by the fact that he was flirting so hard with me, but now I appreciate it. It feels so good to have someone be so overt. Sure, it might have something to do with putting artificial testosterone in his bloodstream so he is so horny he might burst at any minute, but it still feels good to receive the attention.

It's been a long time since I have felt that strong sexual draw. I want to feel that again. No, Derek is not the one for me, and I am not so unrealistic to think that he would honestly be interested in me, I mean, I am like 30% fat, LOL. But I want to feel that. I want that lust. I want to be in a relationship that has personal connection, but also that magnetic draw.

And I also can see that I really want a man who is interested in health. I have my babies to consider here. I want chicken breast and vegetables with brown rice to be the norm in my household, not fatty, high cholesterol foods. Again, Derek is not an example of someone interested in health, if he takes steroids, but he is a symbol of a man practicing some healthy behaviors.

So thank goodness I have found this effective muse in Derek. But it's really not about Derek. He is a catalyst. In 2002 I was non-functioning and suicidal. Then I worked my way up to being functional, but still with suicidal ideation. Now I have worked my way up to being not depressed, now the next step up is to thrive. I was on my way up there when Derek appeared.
Working out and eating well are things I want for myself, it was a matter of time that I would start doing them. Hell, I met Derek because I decided to join the gym he works at. So he is not the reason I am suddenly taking off like a rocket, he is a tool I am using to accelerate the process of the inevitable.

It exites me. I can be a person who works out regularly and eats a healthy diet. I always wanted to be that person, I suppose I just didn't believe that could be me. But now I believe I can. I lost 20 pounds with Weight Watchers, so who says I can't lose 20 more? I used to work out in high school and college, so who says I can't do it now? I just have to believe that I am the person who lives that way. I guess thats what Derek did for me, he treated me like I already am that person. I liked how that felt.

It's not Derek making my life better, it's me making my life better by making better choices. It was a matter of time that I would discover that I can have the life that I envy in others if I make the right choices, but I am greatful to have been given the muse in Derek to set these events in motion.


KansasSunflower said...

Good for you for making a commitment, Diana! I think it's natural to have that feeling for your trainer. They're so buff, and if he's flirting with you...well, I'd feel the same way. It's amazing to me that you lost 20 pounds on Weight Watchers! That's awesome! From what I remember, you don't need to lose more, but exercising has definitely increased my metabolism and has helped the weight come off quicker.

I long to feel the "lust" too, but after being with someone for 8, almost 9 years...well...the "in love" part becomes "love". I wonder if there are couples who still throw each other down and really go at it like they did when they first began after all that time.

Good luck on going to the gym, Merry Christmas, and Feliz Navidad! :-)

Diana Crabtree said...

Thank you for validating that I am normal, even though I know better! :)

Oh, I definately need to lose more. The things I said before were letting you know I am overweight, but still see myself as beautiful, and that you should too, because you are not overweight. But whether we are overweight or not, excercise is good for mental health, so, good for us, right?

Merry Christmas!