I don't want to be attractive! I don't want to go out in public! I don't want to I don't want to, I don't want to!
I went to a reggae/dancehall club tonight. I met THE sweetest, lovelyest, shinyest guy, a Kenyan PhD student, A DEAR named Daniel. He was SO SWEET AND SHINY! So why exactly wasnt I attracted to him? I found him VERY APPEALING, but not "into him." Could it be that he would treat me kindly? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
The truth is, I am not sexually attracted to him, I can just deal with that, and it's good for me to admit it, because he is WONDERFUL enough to make a girl VERY HAPPY, and I would hate to waste his time. I sure wish I was attracted to him!
Jesus Christ! I am feeling REALLY upset for some reason right now! Why? Why? I'm so confused! What if I am REALLY attracted to him and that freaks me out and THAT is why I wasn't feeling strong sexual chemistry!
I am seriously feeling panicky right now! What is going on?
I am proud to say I DID tell him that I wasn't feeling that attraction to him, but then I mentioned all of the wonderful things about him, which there seemed to be many. I am proud I let him know, so I wasn't leading him on too much. I danced sexy with him but when I asked if he wished I hadn't he said no. He was SO sweet and respectful of my feelings! Oh my god he seems just so wonderful!
Oh, and to make every thing just feel like meant to be magic...he gave us a ride home, and in his car stereo...Milli Vanilli. I LOVE Milli Vanilli.
I am going to go to bed now. I can't breathe. I wish I was sexually attracted to him! I REALLY REALLY DO!
mood: anxiety attack
PS I know where the anxiety may be coming from. I DONT WANT more friends! I don't want a full social calendar! I don't want to be the life of the party. I can't manage all of that. I need a quiet, managable life, with a little flavor mixed in now and then. OH MY GOD I am so upset.
A great thing for sure, he breaks the stereotype I have of African men. I see them as pushy and seeing themselves as superior to women. Judge me, I don't care, those are the things I feel, I can admit that they arent fair. He breaks that stereotype. he is a jewel.