When is the last time I wrote a post I was proud of?...awhile. Since my anti-depressant was increased I haven't felt the necessity to empty out my brain onto the page, life has felt pretty good. It isn't a struggle to get through the day anymore, in fact, I am able to coast through days that a year ago would feel like a ton of work.
I suppose I can count my blessings. So I am not quite as deep as I am when I am depressed, who cares? When I am depressed I can't accomplish anything so what good is the most creative mind if nothing comes from the ideas.
I am also not quite as driven, that is a shame. I finally have the energy to put my ambitions to work but now the push to accomplish them is less. Then again, my biggest ambition right now is to buy a condo, and I have the confidence to do it now, when before it felt like a far-off fantasy, so maybe it just seems like I am less driven because my goals seem much less lofty.
One big downside of the medication increase is I am much more forgetful. I think things must be moving faster in my brain so they are quicker to slip away if not committed to memory. It could be that my anxiety is increased with my brain activity, it is just in the form of being hyper, instead of extremely worried. It's a small price to pay I imagine, especially since I will have to learn post-it note skills for old age anyway.
This, and many of my current posts, lack the structure that comes naturally to me in many of my posts. Partially because I don't have a specific idea of what I am going to write. It's my journal so I am not beating myself up for it, especially since I know that I will have something to be happy about during my depressions. They make me deep. There is a lot of growth that can take place during the depressions, and then during the not-depressions I can relax and enjoy the growth and rest period. It would be great if I could one day see the depressions as "just a phase" and blow off the feelings of low self-worth and extreme worry. I will have to learn some way to cope when they happen, it doesn't do me any good just hoping really hard that they wont.