Sunday, January 22, 2006


I have just finished watching a TV program about runaways in Portland, OR, many of whom are Heroin addicts. Whenever I watch a program about kids from messed up childhoods or in trouble with drugs I get into an unpleasant headspace. I empathise SO MUCH. I knew people like this when I was young. I remember thinking some people I had come aquainted with were cool, unaware that a big part of their "originality" was actually a result of altered brain chemistry from the drugs. I am glad to recognize that TV programs like this trigger depressed and anxious feelings in me, having this knowledge I can know to avoid them, or be prepared for the after affects.

I have recognized another trigger today...the potential for a real relationship. Rafael, the half Italian half Puerto Rican gate agent is revealing himself to be rather appealing. I can see myself becoming less and less composed, this nervousness I am certian is a turn off, he even mentioned noticing it. He said I sound "different on the phone, more mellow."

I am on my period, which I am sure is keeping me from feeling my sexiest and my best, but a big part of it is when I really like someone I feel nervous. I HAVE unconciously sabotaged things in the past, by being bitchy or over the top, and I am REALLY HOPEFUL I haven't done that already. I called him today at 3, and it's 6 now and no call back. Get over it Diana? Maybe. I am still afraid I was too bubbly on the phone message, and a combination of that and yesterday will turn him off. But if he is turned off because I am a little dorky he doesn't like me that much anyway so it's all good...right? Damn it. If he is still interested, which I think he could be, I HAVE to calm myself down or he WILL lose interest. That mellow me is the real me, this anxious me is the bane of my existance.

And lets just say he does still like me, and maybe continues to, I would have to tell him one day about the fact that I take medication and go to therapy. Shouldn't I tell him that before we have sex? But I dont want to wait TOO long for sex, but I want to wait awhile before telling him about the depression and anxiety. You do realize we haven't even been on a date yet.

I wish I was attracted to Daniel, the man I will dub the Kenyan Prince. I feel very comfortable talking him. Maybe I am not attracted to him because I feel comfortable with him. Probably I am comfortable with him because I am not attracted to him.

Whatever the reason, I feel awful right now. I don't feel like the sexy, confident woman I felt like a week ago. I AM on my period, who feels great on their period? I wish SO MUCH that I didn't call him during the first impression stage while I am on my period! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

mood: kind of "psycho", LOL

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